Am I overreacting
My boyfriend (21M) and I (21F) have been together for almost 2 years. The first year was long distance, but we spoke every day, watched movies together online, gamed together, etc. This past year we started seeing each other in person more often.
Because we were long distance for so long, trust was really important to me. I never asked for passwords, never checked his phone, nothing. I work late and usually only get home around 8:30pm, so most nights we only really had late evenings together to talk or watch movies.
A few weeks ago we were talking about female friends. He first told me the girls in his friend group were only friends with his male friends and that he barely talks to them. Later he changed the story and said they were “just classmates.” That inconsistency made me suspicious.
One day he sent me a screenshot on Discord, and I noticed one of those girls’ names. I searched them up and realized he follows them on TikTok, Instagram, and Discord. When I asked why he follows “just classmates” everywhere, he said they followed him first and he didn’t want them to “feel bad” by not following back. That already felt weird to me because it seemed like he cared more about their feelings than mine.
Eventually I asked to see his phone for the first time ever. He immediately looked nervous and asked why. I checked his Instagram messages and found conversations with those girls that crossed boundaries for me.
One girl invited him to join her and her cousin sometime. He told her he had “something to show her” when he sees her. They were messaging at 3am, and he told her she should text him late at night if she wants to talk because he’s usually awake gaming anyway. Meanwhile, those late nights were supposed to be the only time him and I really got together because of my work schedule.
She also sent him heart stickers with his favorite animal on them. I had made him custom stickers of that same animal myself, and he later sent those stickers to other girls too.
I was literally shaking reading all of this.
What hurts most is that he still denies anything was wrong and says he was “just being friendly.” He also deleted WhatsApp messages before giving me access to his account. Even after we briefly broke up, he immediately went back to talking to them and letting them insult me.
I also found old messages from last year where he repeatedly asked another girl if she was coming to the gym with him. On top of that, I found inappropriate Instagram model links he clicked on, and his explanation honestly sounded unbelievable he explained that he just wanted to see if all business accounts are of these models.
The biggest issue for me now is his attitude toward boundaries. I told him if he wants to be with me, I’m uncomfortable with him continuing these close friendships because of how inappropriate everything became. He refused and said he wants “freedom” and should be able to be friends with whoever he wants. He also told me I shouldn’t call or message him when he’s gaming or out because he doesn’t want to feel controlled. I worry about him and text him while he's busy or out because I care and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.
Meanwhile, he added one of these girls into his Discord server with all his high school friends and their girlfriends. She became integrated into the group while I was barely invited.
Now he says I “degraded him” by questioning his behavior and arguing about it. But from my perspective, he lied multiple times, hid things, deleted messages, and prioritized these girls over my comfort and trust.
I’m not against opposite-gender friendships. I just feel like there should be boundaries and respect in a relationship.
He is my first love and I imagined a future with him but now I don't know what to do knowing he would act like this and get defensive I ask about it.
Am I overreacting for not wanting to continue the relationship unless he cuts these girls off?