How to express feelings without embarrassment.
After a while of problems at home and loneliness I've always felt a huge weight about communicating my feelings with someone.Family being distant since I was young was a great disadvantage for my mental health and yeah basically having almost no close friends or anything close to "someone I can trust", I have been shoving all of the negativity/ life questions down my throat without ever speaking about them even the slightest bit.
A good amount of years passing like that, it obviously became a problem that would ruin me. I have been having VERY serious thoughts (yk what I'm talking about) since forever but never actually said it out loud, it feels so embarrassing, I do have a sense of reality and it's not like I have lost all of my sanity and I wanna do it right now, it feels more like I don't have courage and basically hoping for a better tomorrow.
Things started to escalate quickly, I've been doing my worse mentally, so much that I'm almost sure about being depressed. I asked for a therapist at the beginning of October, she is amazing not gonna lie, but whenever I go to the sessions I automatically mask everything, making myself think that everything is great and end up lying to her about a lot of stuff instead of actually communicating about my thoughts. I've thought too much about stopping our sessions since anyway I can't even communicate my own feelings with her but have been too anxious to do that.I try to mention something that bothers me but end up explaining it weird and she kinda looks back at me weird, makes me stop talking completely.
Any advice would be nice! Thank you.