u/E-Como

Now that Im writing this it has been 5 full months from the day I received his short email saying “he can no longer be in the relationship with me and that it is time for the relationship to end and the healing process to begin “, ( which he sent after a 15 day period of avoiding seeing me for different reasons, while dragging me to online “ pre marriage “ therapy ( for the show ) , and he really only sent that email because his neighbor had notified him about me stopping at his house when he was out of town that weekend.
21 days before this note he asked me to marry him, after a long term relationship, two days after the proposal, he picked a completely nonsense fight with me over me falling asleep at 9pm!!! while being jet lagged after a trip to France, and he used that as what I now see clearly, an excuse to exit the relationship .
Before this relationship and meeting this man I had absolutely no idea what a fearful avoidant was and I pray to god that no one falls for a FA because the entire process except from their initial love bombing is extremely emotionally exhausting, they keep doing this push and pull thing keeping you at the edge , walking on the eggshell and push you to an state of self doubt, self blame, constant apologizing for things you didn’t do, and living with the fear of losing them, like you keep doing more and more to maybe finally be good enough for them and get the initial version of them back , not knowing that that version didn’t exist and was only a game .
To say that these 5 months were hard is an understatement. He disappeared suddenly without any conversation, and the hardest part was that I have a 4 year old daughter who was very attached to him and was/is to this day confused and traumatized by his sudden absence.
I went through a near death experience with this breakup.. 1) his pretense of being in love to the very last pre marital therapy session two days before his email, 2) the stone cold tone of the email, asking me to return his key (while he had the key to my house and all our stuff at his house, which he didn’t bother to ever return , ) and giving him the space while he is “healing “, 3) blocking my number right after his email 4) complete lack of care and empathy towards a little girl he had gotten attached to himself, let alone me , was such a devastating experience.
On top of all , around 3 months post discard, in the very anniversary week of our first date, when I had finally felt better and back on my feet, I found a box he had dropped off at my door , unannounced, at night, with my picture, my daughter’s picture, and my daughter’s toothbrush and toothpaste and a baby rattle we had gotten as a symbol for the future baby and family we were planning to build. That box throw me back into the hole he had pushed me into, and this time I had a much harder time crawling out ! I didn’t react to it for 3 weeks but then one night I found myself knocking his door at 9 pm to only seeing him as if part of me wanted to see if the box meant he wanted us back, huge mistake since he received my affection but then cold heartedly literally kicked me out of his house and told me he was seeing someone and I needed to respect his privacy!!!
For the most part I do not miss him I do not love him, but my emotions are not consistent , there are moments when I would just want to hear his voice for a second.
I know his real personality was the one who discarded us, and everything else had been a lie, but despite all of that , Im still in pain.

I would like to add that this person was a medical doctor!!! The profession and the character couldn’t be any more incompatible.

I do need help getting over this pain, so if you have any suggestions please let me know.