I have CPTSD from childhood and my father made it worse.
I 21(M) was abused for years as a child, but not by my parents. For some background, we had moved to be closer to my dad's family when I was five, and would visit them pretty much every weekend. On its own, this was fine, and as a child, I actually really liked doing this. Getting to see my grandparents was amazing, and I loved spending time with them. The issues arose when my aunt (dad's sister) started bringing my cousins as well. Two boys, one being 5 years older than me, and the other being 17 years older than me. The older cousin started living in the trailer in my grandparents' backyard, so I didn't see him much. Since the younger cousin and I were closer in age, my parents and grandparents would leave us to hang out.
Originally, it was fine; we would play games or color or play with the animals, but then, as my cousin got to be around 12 and I was 7, he started abusing me. I won't get into detail, but I was sexually abused and raped by him for about 3 years every time we would go to my grandparents' house (which was almost every weekend or longer around holidays).
When I was 10, my mom suffered a stroke, which left her unable to work, drive, or speak. Following this, we moved halfway across the country to be with her family. I was so occupied by my mom's health that I couldn't think about my own problems anymore. She's pretty much okay now, but I remember having to take care of her for years and going with her to speech therapy and growing pretty attached to her. I'm pretty sure the only reason I wasn't being abused anymore was because of moving away, but the impact stayed. I couldn't sleep alone until I was almost 12. I wasn't comfortable with my dad hugging me. I was completely introverted at school and to this day have an extremely bad CPTSD.
ANYWAYS, I didn't tell my parents what had happened to me until I was about 14. When I told my mom, she broke down in tears. She apologized to me for not knowing and not being there to stop it from happening. She set me up to go to counseling and continues to give me lots of support regardless of her own health issues. My dad has never been the easiest to talk to about mental health or trauma, and we don't have the best relationship. I was worried about telling him what happened because it was his nephew that did it, my family on that side is kind of messed up, and my cousin was known as the golden child... makes me wanna cry thinking about that. Well, I ended up telling my dad because he couldn't understand why I was going to counseling. When I told him, these words came out of his mouth: "Are you sure?" and "Well, what do you want me to do about it?" followed by a shrug. I remember it to this day. He got angry, but not at my cousin. At me. He started yelling at me about how I was forbidden from telling anyone else, let alone the family. That I would ruin everything if I told. I internalized that meaning that it was my fault, I'd ruin the family if I sought help, so I never did.
I guess I just wish my dad were supportive of what I'd gone through. I'm 21 now and still struggle daily to have confidence and trust others. I love my mom dearly and continue to seek her support.
Recently, my cousin had a baby with his girlfriend, and my grandma has been calling nonstop to tell me about it. Every time she brings him up, I feel the pain come back over and over. I don't want to avoid her, but I also can't tell her the truth about what happened. It would break her heart, and I know it's not, but it feels like it would be my fault.