I'm a nobody and I hate my life
I’m a 34F and I live off my grandma’s pension. She rents an apartment for me because I just don’t want to live with her, and she fully pays for my life because I don’t have a job. I haven’t worked for 17 months because I don’t want to. I don’t want to do anything at all.
Sometimes I like going for walks or listening to music or reading books. I have great girlfriends that I love spending time with. I like visiting my grandma and eating her homemade borscht. Or visiting my mom and chatting with her and watching YouTube together.
But if there was an option, I’d rather just stop existing. I don’t want to kill myself. I just don’t see any point in anything. I see myself as a parasite and completely useless.
I hate and fear men. Even though I really want a warm romantic relationship and I want kids. I think with the right guy I’d actually be a nice and good enough mom. But I just don’t believe I could interest a great guy because someone like me wouldn’t even interest me. And honestly I don’t believe there’s a man who I would genuinely like, who I could really connect with, and who could put up with me.
I feel like a complete nobody. My existence feels meaningless. I don’t want to be.