I don’t really know how to explain this without sounding like a bad person, but I need to get it out.
My (23F) sister(33F) is pregnant and instead of just feeling happy for her, I feel this really heavy mix of grief, anger, and resentment. It’s gotten to the point where I feel like the less I see her, the better I feel—and that makes me feel horrible.
I’ve been trying to understand why it’s affecting me this much, and I think it’s a mix of things:
- I feel like its triggering my adoption wound
- And most of all… it’s making me feel like I don’t fully belong in my own family
I’m adopted, and I think this situation is triggering something deeper. Seeing her pregnant, seeing my mom so happy and connected to her in that moment—it brings back this feeling of being on the outside, even if no one is actually excluding me. (if so I exclude myself because I can't deal with all those emotions that I feel)
There’s also this really painful detail: my mother mentioned to her to use a second name she might give her baby, and it’s the exact name I always imagined giving my future child. (my grandfather's mother name). Hearing that honestly hurt way more than I expected. It made me feel like something that was “mine” got taken before I even had the chance to have it. And now I feel like if I used it later, it would look like I’m copying her.
On top of that, I feel this kind of anticipatory grief. She’s going to have this experience with my grandparents, and there’s a big chance I won’t get that same moment in my life. That feels unfair and sad in a way I don’t know how to process.
I feel really overwhelmed by all of this. It hits me so strongly that I cried myself to sleep last night. And then I feel guilty, because I know I should just be happy for her.
The hardest part is that she’s going to be staying with us for a while, so I can’t just avoid everything. I don’t want to damage our relationship or act cold, but I also don’t know how to be around her without feeling all of this.
The thought of bringing that to her or talked about it to my mom make my feel guilty / egotistical.
I guess I’m asking:
- Has anyone felt something similar?
- How do you deal with feeling like you don’t belong in moments like this?
- How do you manage the jealousy and grief without letting it turn into resentment?
I don’t want to be this kind of person. I just don’t know how to handle what I’m feeling right now.
PS: I'm going to therapy tomorrow to talk about it.
UPDATE :
First of all I wanted to say thank you to all of you for sharing your experiences & expressing your kind words to me. It means a lot. ❤️
I did talk to my mom about how I felt & she understood how I view the situation. She also have and older sister & she told me that she felt the same ways. She also told me that I was projecting too far ( by putting myself in my sister’s shoes and imagining how I would feel in that situation, and then applying that perspective to my sister, who probably doesn’t see things the same way I do), witch is true.
I felt heard & understood and I feel lighter now. 😇
Thank you all again.