Help, I'm literally Marinette
You know this character from our childhood (I'm 18) from Miraculous that physically cannot talk to her crush because she gets all shy and nervous…? I'm totally Marinette 😄. Don't let this smiley face fool you; I want to jump out of a window because I never thought I would one day be like that...
So, I met this guy in one of my classes, and we became simple acquaintances, but over time and as I learned more about him, I grew a pretty big crush on him, and honestly, my first-ever crush on someone ever. But the thing is, since the moment I registered that I had a crush on this man, my brain like became incapable of holding an interesting conversation or just became impossible to not embarrass myself. I just became so self-aware of everything, and it's so frustrating. First, because I consider myself a pretty social person. I am capable of befriending and having fun with anyone. This happening is not normal for me, and it's freaking me out because how can a feeling strip me of my personality??? Second, I have a very hard relationship with embarrassment or, if we are getting deep, (hi, nice to meet you, stranger on the internet). I have very low self-esteem, which translates into overthinking how people perceive me. So, having a crush makes everything feel x1000 more than it should, and it is taking a toll on my well-being. I think about our interactions all the time. Like, ALL THE TIME. Ok, maybe it's just how it is to have a crush, but remember, folk, it's my first time here! The more it goes, the more I feel like I'm distanciating myself from him even tho we where only acquitances in the first place! At this point, I don't even want to flirt with the guy; I just want to be able to be his good friend because he seems like a genuine good person (also, I have a crush, but whatever), and I want to learn more about him.
Legit, I came here to rant but also to ask for any type of advice, psychoanalysis to me, if anybody relates to what I'm going through... It's kind of ironic that I relate to Marinette now because I used to judge her and the writing so hard.... TT
Also, I wrote a poem (or something like that, slam maybe...?) about all that if the internet wants to read it:
Im paralysed by love
Every eye contact lives rent free in my head for the next days, weeks and even months
Every words is heard over and over before i go to sleep
While I study, eat, read, breath…
Im paralysed by love
and i know this by the way i just contemplate you with out even knowing you
You could be a serial killer, a cheater, a finance bro or even worse podcast bro
But the thing is
I would even know because
Im paralysed by love
Actually I just know your not
surely my first crush would not be like that
surely my first feelings would not be crushed by this reality
Im not paralysed by love, im annoyed at love
Im annoyed at what it made me become
How come my very social self can be freezed up like this?
How come I lose all my thoughts in face of his words?
How come I project everything that I hate the most about me?
I'm not ME when I'm with you so how come I love you?
So many questions run in my head
And while I think about the answers
You just slip through my fingers…
Im paralysed by love
The same way I'm paralysed by fear
because this whole situation is just so
new, intense, incredible but horrible at the same time
Why do I care so much about another human being
So much that I'm paralysed!
By way I say love a lot
but, the funny thing is, it's just a crush