Husband asked for a divorce via text after a decade of marriage. I (39F) am in shock and "freeze mode."
I (39F) worked full time in high paying, married for 10yrs, two kids, under 8. Early this year, I went through a traumatic layoff, and I'm looking for a job for 4 months now. the market is brutal.
Our marriage has been struggling for years. My husband has anger issues and frequently ( every 6 weeks) has outbursts directed at me and the children, and he refuses to apologize. Over time, his constant outbursts and lack of accountability have made me cold, distant, and resentful. I completely own my part in that dynamic.
For most of our marriage, I was the main driver at home, the planner and the organizer. Ironically, when I was working full time, I begged him to step up, and he did some, but only after I broke and had to bring it therapy multiple times, which only built more resentment. Now that I am out of work, he is participating more. I think he competed with me, I had high status job, and more demanding, when I asked for accommodations, he sometimes asked me "is this meeting really important"? last year when i worked late, he said to the children "mom loved her job more than she loves you"
When the kids were little, we fought constantly because he wouldn't spend quality time with them; he didn't like to play with them. He used to have a hard time joining us for family dinners , because the kids' mess irritates him, and he often ends up screaming at them. He only started joining us recently. He loves our kids and enjoys being around them when family friends are over, but he rarely spends 1-on-1 time with them.
As a couple, we lost our connection. There were no dates unless I planned and initiated them. When I stopped initiating, we basically stopped spending time together outside the house, other than birthdays. A few weeks ago—shortly after my layoff, I had a birthday. He wanted to go to a hotel (he likes going on hotels) but I said no because I was deeply concerned about our finances. Instead of finding other way to celebrate, he didn't get me a gift at all, just a cake with the kids.
We recently started couples therapy. I brought up how, after every anger outburst, he never tries to reconcile. He just waits until I bring it up or expects me to drop it and move on. He admitted to this in session but immediately deflected. The therapist tried to play things equally to both of us, but I refused to accept that. He has unaddressed issues (which caused past relationships to fail), but he refuses to go to individual therapy.
During a recent session, he said he wanted to break things up, when i inquired about our family, he accidentally blurted out that he “wants a family,” doesn't like being single—so he would just start a new family after we end things. Therapy has been hard on him, and he had brought up divorce before. But shortly after that session, he officially laid down a plan for a divorce process in a text message. no conversation so far (we live in the same house). He acts like he never sent the message.
I am currently in freeze mode. I can't believe he is willing to break up our family and do this to such young children just because he says "it's too tough on him." I don't even know what to do or how to process this. That's it, I had to spill it.
Give me your unhinged responses to move me out of shock