It started a week and a few days ago when I slipped into a state where I thought everyone hated me etc. (I have those regularly)
Then I thought about how my best friend usually does not message first and it made me spiral further until he asked the next day if I was ok, which honestly is a kind thing... but in my mind I just thought "He felt pressure to ask that he doesn't really care", we barely spoke ober the next week and everytime I saw him in uni I saw he was so happy and it made me spiral further.
Until on Sunday I impusivly burst out and sent a message to him about it, that I feel lonely due to barely recieving messages from him. In which I said not cool stuff, accusing him of not caring about me at all.
A few hours later I corrected myself and sent him an more grounded apology + explanation.
On monday he said he would answer in a few hours. But I saw him in Uni again only a few hours later, causing me to once again slip into spiraling thoughts.
Again impulsivly, I sent him a message that I was sorry for everything and it would probably be better if he had distance from me. A few minutes later I realised how foolish and disgustinf that was of me and delted the message and told him I am sorry for that and I should/will wair for the answer later.
Since Monday he has ignored/not messages or answered me again, this caused me to worry something might have happened or he just hated me so I messaged him I don't know what he thinks of me but I hope that he is okay and although I understand he is most probably fed up ewith me, I beg him to tell me if he's okay. Nothing came so yesterday I asked his boyfriend and a few mutual friends if they knew if he was okay.
This morning I got the message he was okay, which calmed me but also made me realise he really doesn't like me anymore which I understand.. and is more than valid from him.
But it hurts so much nonetheless. I know I caused it. I know how disgustinf my actions were and I am/was very arrogant and narcisisstic about it all...
But my whole world is crumbling down, it caused me to start cutting again just ti take some pressure of my mental. I feel like I wikl explode or something..
And I don't know what to do... I have been working on my insecurities but these spiraling spurts keep happening and I don't know what to do anymore I always mess everything up and no matter what I try and how hard I work after a few weeks a new situation comes up that I can't handle loke a normal person because I'm so foolish... I.. I don't know anymore