Hi everyone, I've posted here quite a bit because I do find it very relieving to be able to ask my questions or recall my experiences in a space that is neutral but full of those with similar 'problems'.
Anyways to get straight to the point,
My kitty passed away in February and the grief, guilt, and depression that was already building before just pushed me over the edge of this cliff I had been inching closer to. I ended up taking too much of my psych medications just to hope I would feel even the slightest amount of change. I just needed to be just okay enough to get back on track a little. Obviously, very very bad idea, and it nearly caused a medical emergency. After that, I just kinda stopped taking my medications. I felt like a drug addict and it hit hard due to all my experiences with addiction running in my family.
Its May now, and I've still been off my anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, I have been taking my prazosin mainly because of insomnia issues though. After stopping the meds, my mood instantly skyrocketed, I assumed at the time I was starting some kind of mania, and that's most likely what the case was, now though, it feels so short lived because I am fighting so so so hard to keep myself afloat with this low episode.
I feel so sad because of all these reasons, the typical things that make you mad at yourself and then I want to be angry and blame everything else, I catch myself wondering why I can't just "win" sometimes.
Then of course when I get aware of that, I feel horrible cause I sound like I'm acting like a victim instead of taking any accountability. And then the cycle keeps going over and over and over.
Sometimes I feel just unreal during these cycles? I feel as though I have no grasp of what the truth is. My memories of events bothering me, they become blurry and skewed. I feel myself wanting to begin people in my life to tell me what is true about myself, but I'm afraid of what the truth actually is.
I do feel as though I'm ranting and not really making sense, but I just needed to write this out. I need to put it into the world that this feeling of 'being crazy' isn't just me actually being crazy.