How should I deal with this family (in-law) situation?
There was family drama involving me and my SIL a few years ago; now MIL and FIL want all of us to make peace and have dinner together as a family, but I really do not want to see SIL again. I recently posted on AITA (post got removed) and got a mixed bag of responses w/ majority indicating YTA. That made me re-assess and wonder if I should make peace with what happened. I appreciate hearing everyone's unbiased opinion on: 1) what I did wrong in that family drama, and 2) how to move forward with the in-laws. Or, if my feelings of not wanting to meet SIL again are valid, how should I convey that to them?
Backstory: 4 years ago, my then-fiancé (now husband) and I were in a long-dist. relationship. I made the decision to move to his country. When I arrived, we temporarily lived in a house owned by MIL/FIL, who were not in the same house w/ us. Our plan was to get married and move to a new city in a few months. Meanwhile, we'd use the time get accustomed to living together, make moving arrangements, etc. In-laws were aware of this plan.
Husband had contributed to a small portion of the house purchase, though his name is not on the title deed. Before I came, he was always the sole occupant of that house save for the occasional family visit. I thought about paying rent whilst there but husband said there was no need to since I was unemployed (uprooted life and all that) at the time. In exchange, I did most of the chores and paid for some of our daily expenses w/ my savings.
Less than a month into this adjustment period, MIL and FIL announced that they were coming for a month-long visit, bringing SIL and her fiancé. My stress/anxiety was through the roof because:
I'm extremely introverted and grew up as the only-child in a single-parent household w/ barely any extended family. I'd only met in-laws once before in-person, and never SIL's fiancé, now all of a sudden I had to live with them. For me, in-laws' visit was too soon, too much, too all-at-once.
I'm averse to sharing bathrooms w/ others, and LOATHE showering in a bathtub (I have to shower in a standing shower, and bathe in a tub, separately.) This is obviously a psychological flaw of mine and it used to be pretty severe but I had been working to overcome it w/ some success.
The house has 2 bathrooms - the one in the basement has a standing shower, while the one on the upper floor is a shower/tub combo. Due to reason 2 I was using the former, husband the latter, but I learned that FIL/MIL intended to let SIL+fiancé use the basement bedroom and bathroom, and have me share the upper floor bathroom with the rest of them. Sharing was inevitable and I accepted that, but I would really prefer to be still able to use the basement bathroom.
Initially husband and I tried asking MIL/FIL if they could shorten or delay the visit but they refused, because SIL wanted to come over to use the neighborhood pool. When they arrived, I asked MIL if I could instead share the basement bathroom w/ SIL+fiancé, briefly explaining my mental discomfort w/ shower/tub combo. She said I could try talking to SIL about this.
I then went to SIL but she did not take well to this. She listed several reasons why she didn't want to share, and I offered counterproposals and said I was willing to make every compromise (I asked for only access to the standing shower, once a day or even every other day, at any time of their convenience). In the end she huffed, "Well, I guess we don't have a choice!" I knew she was annoyed but I was too relieved and genuinely didn't think my request was unreasonable at the time.
I thanked her and left, but she apparently stormed up to husband and yelled that she hated "people' telling her what to do. Afterwards, she completely ignored me around the house (e.g. I greeted her, she looked past me like I wasn't there). I felt humiliated and stopped attempting to interact with her too. MIL eventually asked me not use the basement bathroom. I took it as the final decision by the house's owner and agreed. SIL continued her silent treatment.
Current situation: Since then, SIL and I had not seen or spoken to each other (she lives overseas and rarely comes back). Although for the record, even if we hadn't fought, we still wouldn't have kept in touch because I'm just not big on family connections. Also for the record, I NEVER tried to distance husband from his family. I met some of his relatives and am on cordial terms w/ MIL and FIL, who now want me to have dinner w/ SIL.
I'm still hurt by what happened, and my husband understands/supports my feelings. But if I was in the wrong then I'd like to know so I could work on becoming better and figuring out how to approach SIL.