Hi! My name is kyte. I'm 28 years old and I'm new to this community 😄 How are you ALL beautiful people? I wanted to share my experiences here to random people so to whoever can give me advice or share their thoughts who I'm not close with who I think are better people to talk to because it won't affect anything in the relationship like to avoid bias. If you know what i mean. Anyway, I think; random people i don't know who would be able to tell me what i needed to hear, what i needed to learn, so I'm able to understand my situation more and maybe find a better way to see my situation with a clear head.
This story is SUPER long, To the admin of this group I want to apologize in advance, but it's hard for me to stay in topic because I feel it's important to share as a basis to what's behind the curtains for the readers to have a better understanding, so I will need to add segments because each story has a story behind it as well, so basically this is a BIG thing I've been carrying to myself ever since as I can remember. I'm wondering what I would've done differently to make things better and so on.
Let's start by introducing myself. I'm the third child of the family and to those who are not aware, the third child are usually the ones who are invisible and is always between things. Like we're literally in the middle of things. We take the pressure. The blame. The issues. All these emotions. I'm not saying i hated being the third child, but i do feel tired at times about it, Afterall, I'm still a human with feelings, but what can I do? We're a blessing from God and my wonderful parents brought me here. So, I just did what I can to make my family happy. My parents had an early start building a family, but what I admired about them was they still finished school and we eventually migrated in California (Legally) because they wanted a comfortable life.
As a thank you for my parents I made sure my main focus was to finish school and basically see how much achievements I can bring home and show my parents. -- The story behind this is unfortunately, my older siblings didn't finish school because both of my older sister and brother had early families as well which caused my mom to be super like SUPER strict on me and my little brother which I don't blame my mom for but me and my lil bro understand because my mom just wanted what's best for us. -- Another side story: My older sister got pregnant early and had to leave her child with us before she, my dad and older brother went to America (my niece is the one that was left with me, my mom and my lil bro which i treated my niece like my little sister because me, my niece and my lil bro grew up with each other)--
After a few years, I finally finished high school, my daddy told me he can finally bring me with him as my graduation gift. When I came to America it was a bit hard for me to settle down because of the culture shock, but I learned as much as I can every day. Of course, my goal of finishing school did not leave my system, so I made sure I graduated college with awards and eventually had a good paying job at a Nursing Health care setting management. It made me cry because finally I saw how happy my parents were and even if they didn't tell me that they were proud of me (maybe because it's an Asian thing) at least it makes me happy that my dad's family won't say that they have an additional disappointment in the blood line. (my dad's family is a family of doctors, nurses, dentist, military, navy, teacher)
I think I grew up being an overachiever is because I got tired of how much my dad's family and my parents would compare us to successful people and I just wanted those hurtful words out of my system. So, I pushed myself to be the best and encouraged my siblings because I want what's best for them as well. Since me, my lil bro, my niece grew up together. I'm the one who acted as the "older sibling" and I learned how to manage that position for my lil siblings (lil bro and niece) since I didn't have an older sibling image growing up when my older siblings went to America first.
When we were all here in America; I definitely had that vibe where my older siblings aren't close as how we were when they we in the motherland which I understand because we didn't grow up together. But I still appreciate them for trying to embrace me when I came in to live with them. When the rest of my family finally came here in America. I was so excited that finally we're complete. I'm not sure what happened but for some reason my family have different views when it comes to bonding. We do go out and celebrate special occasions, but after a few years I can feel our bond being broken. Maybe because most of us work and tired?
There was a time I thought maybe having a family meeting and me venting about my feelings would make them understand my frustrations and their frustrations and find a way to fix our issues. Unfortunately, I felt that I made things worse by talking to them or being real to them. This when I learned that "closure" , "heart to heart talk" is something my family doesn't like because they said that I'm being a "drama queen" that I'm "overreacting/ OA". Because of this I grew up keeping things to myself and ended up looking for other people's advice until eventually I couldn't take it anymore and left the family house when I was 27 years old.
My American Boyfriend pleaded to me that it hurts him seeing me cry about things about my family problems and he said it's not healthy for me. My man's family even told me they will welcome me and support me with whatever I needed which was very new to me because I never had this experience where someone finally sees me and took me seriously. I was hesitating to leave the house because I didn't want to upset my parents since I'm also helping the family financially. I was so scared because I never did something like this EVER. I'm always following what my parents tell me. Whatever my family ask; I just do it. There was a time my older brother complained that he's always driving my mom to places like errands when he can't do what he wants with his family. So, I told my dad about me learning to drive so I can help more in the family, so my brother won't complain and that would lift whatever responsibility he has at home. I basically, felt responsible and didn't want them to lose support. It makes me sad thinking about that because I really wished things happened differently, but myself is telling me that it's time that I need to think about myself for once. My best friend who's like my sister also encouraged me to go live with my boyfriend's family house because she as a Latina understands what I'm going through.
So, I left. I gave my family time to deal with their emotions until we were able to talk. I knew I hurt them, and I punished myself for that mentally and physically. I've always wanted my family to be happy but at the same time I needed to leave the family house because I needed to breathe and to work on myself. The reason why I left or what pushed me to leave was I felt unappreciated and hurt where it was always an issue whenever I wanted to hang out with my boyfriend even when we're following my curfew. Believe it or not, I put a boundary to my boyfriend and spoke to him that we are not able to have sex because i wanted him to wait until I'm ready and I'm happy that he's able to wait.
Basically, my boyfriend is a decent man, and my parents can trust me because I have so many things I want to do with my life like travel the world with my man and family before I build my own family when I know I'm financially stable. but I guess that was not enough for them. Me compromising with them like making sure the house is clean before I hang out with my boyfriend for a few hours was a problem to them. I want to mention that I'm a homebody. Whenever I go out it's always with my family members. I never experienced going to my friend's house and have a sleep over. if it's a sleep over it would be with a cousin.
After I graduated and finished school, got a manager job; I finally was able to date legally, I told my boyfriend about my family background, and I appreciated him for making sure whenever he takes me out on a date it's always mostly near the house or he makes sure I'm home on time.
When I left, It took a while for my family to understand a little bit why I left even when I hear from my niece that they blame me for leaving that the house wouldn't be dirty or look like a hoarder's house or a squatter house if I stayed.
When I moved into my man's family house. I was not able to stay still. I made sure their house was clean, I'm always offering to help my man's family like doing errands even when my man's family told me I don't have to do all of that for them and that them seeing my man happy and laugh is the most thing that's important to them because they know that my man had bad experiences with his past relationships which made me make sure to love my man and do what I can to make him happy. It took a while for my man and my man's family to trust me when I asked them that I wanted to reconnect to my family like I wanted to take them out to eat and basically the usual that I do for my family before. Afterall even with my family's flaws and views about me, that didn't stop me from loving them even when I had to do it in a distance. They're still my family and I'll always be grateful for them for bringing me here in this world.
MAIN POINT:
Anyways, here's what i needed the readers to look into because I genuinely don't know what else I can do. Basically, the other day, my older brother reached out to me via text which was weird to me because he normally doesn't text me unless he needed help or information. I asked him if he's ok like if everything is ok and he said was asking for money about $400 for his bills mostly for his BMW car payments because he already asked mom for a little bit of money for his other bills. But my problem was I'm not able to help my brother at the time because most of my income goes to bigger bills and my bonuses are at a set date, so i don't have it yet. Plus, me and my man recently decided to update into a bigger apartment with my man so my Husky and cat can have their own room and we can also use that room for guests. So, I looked for alternative resources that I know will help him in the meantime as long as he keeps up with his payments and mindful about how much he spends since he's the only one working in his family.
Since this was the only time, I'm able to talk to my older brother I decided that maybe this is the best time to vent to him and maybe at his age (37 plus) he's able to see what I'm trying to say and give me wisdom. Plus this concern I have was also a concern from my other family members. I vented that I feel angry and not comfortable about how he enabled his partner's attitude. Like she has no work which I understand in a way because they have my nephew who's 8 years old but I've seen my mom do a lot when we were little back in the Philippines maybe she's still learning to be a mom? Basically, I'm always looking for possible reasons why my sis in law is like that.
But there are situations where I can’t think of any possible reason or way to understand her. For example what my niece mentioned when my sis in law used the bathroom and didn’t even change the toilet paper into a new one when my niece even made it easier for my sis in law to reach which is at arms length that’s located in the back of the toilet seat. My niece said that she would see my sis in law go to the bathroom and then come out real quick head back to the kitchen and get a piece of hand towels and she’ll head back to the bathroom and I guess she’ll be using that when my niece literally set up a whole basket of tissue rolls behind the toilet seat rack so whenever it needs to be replaced it’s just there. Arms reach.
Another thing was what my mom mentioned when my mom needed a ride to her dental appointment or anytime of errands she has to go to and she has no extra money for uber because everybody in the house is at work and it was my mom’s day off so naturally my mom wanted to ask my sister in law. But for some reason my sister in law has errands to do or had to go somewhere. Like there’s no way my sister in law always has “something important“ to do whenever my mom needed a ride. She knew it wasn’t a coincidence.
I think this because I witnessed it myself when I didn’t know how to drive yet and my sister in law was the one around so when my mom asked for her help about fixing the parking of the car. I heard my sister in law sigh and say “Ano ba yan” like “ugh” (not sure what’s the English word for that maybe “oh my gosh?”) so I know how frustrated my mom was when she was telling me about that.
And for some reason they (my older brother and my sister in law) nitpick on me, my niece and my lil brother about something. Like whenever my mom buys us food or whatever they have a problem with it. Like I don’t know if they’re jealous or something but my mom does her best to balance everything like whenever she gets something for my little brother my mom would get others something too.
Whenever they’re short on money I would notice that they would tell my nephew to ask for money to my parents like that’s what irritated me. Why use the child for your need when you can team up with your partner and maybe do better with budgeting instead of spending money on unnecessary stuff like the electric scooter? Because apparently the walking distance from the family house to the school of my nephew was a bit much for my sister in law? Which was also what caused my older brother be on disability for it because he had an accident when they went out with those electric scooters. Then when they got the disability check they spent it on what my sister in law wants like the branded jewelry or the $100 plus porceline Japanese dolls instead of saving or setting that for their everyday needs and for my nephew so they don’t have to depend on my parents? My niece and I would even see my sister in law trying to hide the packages they order online because they prolly know my parents would say something.
I wanted to be clear that i understand that it’s their money and it’s their life but when you look at the people like my parents who are affected that’s when I have a concern about because that would mean my parents would need me to shoulder whatever the family is short on and I’m not even able to grow my savings like it’s literally a cycle. I just find it unfair where I’m always there for them but when I’m the one asking for help which is my last option I know they’re not able to because I’m one of their sources financially. I don’t get the math. I have no problem helping out but if it’s causing me and my goals in life and it’s stressing my parents then what’s the point of me doing my part?
That BMW car they recently signed on my after the electric scooter incident? I wasn’t sure if they’ve thought about that financially knowing that my older brother is the only one working. Why brand new? Why not used? Something that isn’t a burden for their budget? I had a LOT of questions but then again that’s their life and their decision I was just so irritated by their irresponsible decisions because that caused me to carry some bills in the house which delayed my plans for important things I’m also taking care of. Is this what it feels like to be a cash cow? My friends talked to me about that and that’s what they thought about my situation.
Even when I felt this way I never complained to them because I know this is what we do for family. But what my friends told me that I shouldn’t let other People take advantage of me and I should set boundaries, but I never listened to that because I don’t want my family to think that I’m selfish or I don’t care, so I ended up carrying everyone’s financial situations.
Anyways, after me venting to my older brother about how I felt. As expected with his dismissive nature he didn't like what i said and I felt and told me that it's better if we distance ourselves with each other and to never call him older brother anymore. Even after me expressing that just wanted to find a better way to fix things with him. He refused and even mentioned to never talk to him, or invite him to any special occasions anymore. He brought up the past and mentioned all of my flaws and also my other siblings and parents which is ironic because before he would tell me to not use whatever I did good for them against them whenever I can't get what I want or didn't go as planned.
I apologized about how he felt about those situations and addressed every single thing that he mentioned to me. I also told him that even when he felt that way he would still be my brother and he can always reach out and I'll help whatever I can. I told him I love him but he didn't really addressed what I told him and stated blame shifting things on me and my other family members. He told me that I'm a narcissist and that ever since I graduated and got a better job, he said that I think highly of myself and I looked down on them because he didn't finish school and didn't have a good job. That statement he told me hurt because it felt not enough. He didn't even address when I told him that I was hurt about what his partner said behind my back when I left the house. Where my sis in law said "wow, buti nga pinapalabas pa siya." best translation i can do is: " wow, they even let her go out".
My older brother brushed this off and continued to tell me that it was not a big deal to him that I left, it just meant that he had to do more at home. Like first of all, why don't he stop enabling his partner being lazy? It's so embarrassing because it's not just me who noticed that, but my man asked me if something is wrong with my sis in law. Like is she on a disability or something? I told my man "nope". I asked my man why he asked. He told me it's because when we were at my older sister's place for a birthday celebration of my dad and lil bro. My man noticed that everyone is helping out even my man is helping out on cleaning after we ate while the kids are at the room playing (my niece and lil bro is with them so they're on watch duty), while my man sees that my sis in law is at the living room the while time on her phone when my brother claimed that she's taking care of their child, but it's not what we see MOST of the time.
Second, I understand that my older brother loves her, but what we're concerned about is we don't see her giving that energy back. When I vented to my older brother, he said to not care for him and if we don't accept her then him and his partner will leave. I was flabbergasted. Uhm, it's been years that you guys are depending on our parents with whatever you guys are short on which is one of the reasons why I try to offer help the best I can because I don't want my parents carry all of those problems. Like you guys are already in your 30's with a child and still living under our parent's roof. The least you both can do (Not just my older brother) is to help out around the house, right?
Lastly, there's really no one l could talk to in my family regarding these issues we've been having for years because they would just tell me to let it go and not mind them. So, I basically grew up feeling overwhelmed, over pressured, the need to keep up in life and always do good in what I do.
My friends and their families noticed so they asked what's going on and I mentioned to them what happened and they assured me that I was not a narcissist and a wanna be victim that my brother accused me of because what they definitely seen from me was that I always put other people first than myself. That I shouldn't feel guilty doing things for myself for things that I want to do to excel in life. They told me that my brother should feel embarrassed because he's older than me like he already has a child and he should be the wiser and the collected one. They also mentioned that him blaming others for their success because he's not doing good in life is not my fault.
Anyways, I have so many things to say but maybe when someone asked me a question about something then maybe I have a story that will connect to the question.
My life has always been like this not until I moved in with my man. I’m just sad that even till this day my family is like that, and I really wish I can do something that would change and help them. I don't know why, but I feel alone in this when it comes with family.
I mostly work so I may respond in a few days or so, but I’ll respond and will see what your advice for me are. Thank you everyone!