how to stop self-destructing?
mentions of ed and sh
i (18) think i might’ve gone through my first manic episode. i have a history of mild depression and anxiety, but no history of mania.
i’m a freshman in college and didn’t smoke or drink before attending, but began to use both heavily during my second semester. i broke up with my ex-boyfriend in december but was on-and-off with him until mid-march. around this time, he left for boot camp and i found out that he had started dating somebody new while still trying to repair our relationship.
i was really attached to him and he was a big part of my support system. i was already in a bad place because my dad died a year ago and i had never really 100% came back from that. at this point, i was drunk more often than not and started to self-harm.
at this point, i had stopped showing up at my job and stopped attending my lectures. i pretty much spent all my time just sitting in my dorm and getting trapped in my head and crying. on weekends, i would either go party or meet up with guys i found off of dating apps. towards the end of my spring semester, i stopped eating and lost about 20 pounds in a month since i would sometimes just drink instead of eating anything. i never really cared about my appearance or validation from others before, but now it’s like it’s all i can think about. it’s like i can’t live with myself if im not desired. i feel like im just an empty and hollow person and all i really have is what’s on the outside.
during my last week in the dorms, i got really drunk and really high and ended up passing out in the bathroom for half an hour. my roommates called the cops and having to lie to the emts and officers was sort of a wake-up call.
i feel like ive ruined my life and i dont know what to do. i don’t really have anybody in my life who would understand. im trying to get back on track and i’ve been cutting back on drinking, but it’s really hard to live with myself when i don’t have any distraction. it just feels so pointless when i know that i was never really meant to be anything great.