u/Eastern-Pin-9886

I honestly just need to vent in a place with people that hopefully understand. I’m 21 now and I’ve struggled with what I believe is ARFID my whole life pretty much. I’m not actually diagnosed and have never brought up eating issues with any doctors despite it being a constant struggle because I’ve always been underweight and I just hate how every single one would make me feel ashamed for it. I don’t even want to be skinny at all but I struggle to gain weight, my parents were also super skinny when they were younger so I think it might just be that contributing to it a lot, genetics and all. I’ve gained some weight the last few years thankfully but not enough to my liking to feel normal. Anyways. A couple years ago I had a really bad globus sensation that lasted for a week due to what I believe is acid reflux. I already had a bad fear of choking before but that incident made it so much worse. I just refused to ever eat solids again after that. Been living off blended soups with a bunch of veggies and meat and Boost very high calorie shakes. It’s definitely better than starving at least and I’ve gone to checkups and I get my bloodwork checked regularly for the endocrinologist and everything always comes back normal and I haven’t lost any weight either. Just stayed the same. I want to gain more and I could easily if I just drank the Boost shakes more but I’ve been dealing with a separate health issue lately where I think I just have such bad allergies it causes drainage in my throat and makes me not want to consume anything. Anyways. I just feel so alone. And I haven’t told any doctors about my diet. I’m honestly scared to do so for fear of shame. And I’m scared to ever try solid foods again. But also scared that something can happen living this way. I don’t even mind it honestly. I genuinely eat better now than I did before. Before all I ate was junk food and now all I eat is the shakes and veggies and meat/fish just blended. I have zero problems with taste just texture and a fear of choking. I just feel so alone. I’ve been hiding it from my friends too and the idea of entering a relationship and having to open up about this makes me avoid dating as well. Thanks to anyone who reads this.