At What Point Do I Take Accountability For My Mental Health?
Ok, I want to clarify the question first. I am a very accountable and aware person. I don’t blame other people for the consequences of my actions or my outcomes, nor do I play victim to my circumstances. For reference, I am 20F and have suffered with depression and anxiety since middle school, and a large factor, if not the biggest one, was my single moms financial situation, alcoholism, verbal abuse, and this idea that’s she’s always had that I needed to be made “strong”. My mom had a fairly rough childhood and doesn’t have a good relationship with her mom, and my whole life, she complained about her mother and used that to excuse and justify why she was where she was in life, since she started going downhill.
I have recently gone no contact with my mom, and since I’ve been in college I’ve basically been supporting myself financially and in other ways. Before going no contact, she told me that I need to take accountability for my life, but the thing is my life isn’t bad. I’m literally just a broke college student who doesn’t have a home to go to and a mother to rely on. So I think she’s referring to my financial situation because I told her I’m so busy, I don’t have time to work since I’m more than a full time student (extracurriculars) and I had to quit my job to focus on my very intense premed classes. I’ve overcame hardships and have done so many great things in spite of my mom, and the terrible things that she’s said to me over the years. My thing is now: I’m still depressed and anxious. I do go to therapy, take medication, but something that’s a constant thought is that I never had what other people did in terms of experiences and support. This does bring me down a lot, and I know it can make me miserable in the way that it has my mom like. All I want to do is avoid generational curses and still allow myself to know that it’s okay that life isn’t necessarily “fair”.
So I guess: how do I become okay and accept things for what they are so I can move on and focus on what I need to? And at what point do I, myself, kinda reflect on my depression and anxiety and not blame my mom for my mental health and thoughts that I find always relate back to something she did or said to me?. I don’t know if I phrased this right and explained it well at all, words of encouragement would just be nice.
P.S.
Also I know this is a fairly recent event, we just went no contact a few weeks ago so maybe I’m still feeling triggered.