u/EasternAd9276

As I’ve grown

and become more of the person I’ve wanted to be

it’s become increasingly hard to ignore how much of the person I want to be revolves around you.

My whole life

has changed course

for my decision to stay here.

And it was for no other reason than to stay close to you.

Whether I regret it or not

is irrelevant.

I’ve tried running from it,

running from you,

but you’re everywhere I go

and in everything I say and do.

I recycle jokes you’d say,

mimic your expressions,

and try to feign your confidence,

all subconsciously,

and when I catch myself doing it,

I can do nothing but sit with that.

I’m unsure if I’ll ever move past this.

But I am sure I will play the part I need to.

I’ve done everything perfectly thus far.

Every piece is in place

and I didn’t even know I was doing it.

If I cannot move past these feelings,

then I will let them fade in silence.

I’ve involved you

far more in this

than you ever should’ve been.

I’ll never be able to apologize enough,

but luckily, I don’t have to.

I hope that this distance

if nothing else

leads you to something better than this.

You deserve that much.

It’s a simple story,

one as old as time.

The Knight,

the Princess,

and the Royal Jester,

perhaps better known as the Fool.

You played your role

tremendously.

What you lacked in shining armor

you made up for with your gentle nature.

My role, looking back,

was effortless.

In trying so hard to escape such a fate,

I did what any jester would do,

and made a fool of myself to see you smile.

I’m…unsure what my goal was,

or even is anymore,

as when the Princess arrived,

one story ends, and another begins.

Such is life.

Seeing your happiness blossom, it…

forces me to step back.

Misery loves company.

I wouldn’t make you join me,

even if I held such power.

I don’t understand these feelings anymore,

nor will I likely ever.

It’s…something I’m fine with at this point.

I guess,

all of this to say,

I just hope you’ve been well.

From, the Jester

I like to think sometimes

of if I knew everything that would happen regarding you,

would I still have wanted to see this through?

And,

I don’t get very far with those hypotheticals,

because they aren’t hypothetical.

I remember the first moment I saw you

and I felt a wave of

something.

Importance?

Familiarity?

I don’t know.

But I had a bad feeling.

I just had a bad feeling.

And,

trusting my gut,

I’d listen to these warnings

and nod at them.

I knew they were right.

I don’t know how.

Call it a premonition, but

I knew this wouldn’t go well.

And I pursued this, anyway.

Now,

I’m left waiting for something to happen.

I’m exhausted.

There’s nothing left to do here,

or to say.

I just want to rest

for the next thousand years.

I’ve accepted that

this is something I can’t move past.

The unfortunate truth is that life must persist,

regardless of what you’ve become stuck on.

But I just

have been really scarred by this.

I try not to overcomplicate things anymore,

so I’ll say it straight.

I miss you.

And that’s pretty much it.

I frankly have no evidence that you still care.

I’d be smart to burn this bridge.

And yet,

you were there for me

when my world ended.

You helped me rebuild,

even if you’d only watch it rot away.

I

don’t know how to feel anymore.

I’m so tired,

an exhaustion I know you share.

Why are we all so tired?

When is it over?

I hold on to the truths I know,

and that is that,

for better or worse,

I can’t seem to be happy.

Even if you were here,

that wouldn’t make things better.

I’m looking to escape my mind,

and I really need your help.

I need to see you again.

But I

…

I just don’t know.

I don’t know what to do

or where to go

anymore.

I wish

I could wish it all away.

But

I can’t.

So I wait.

And hope

that somehow

in some way

this can have a better ending.

I’m not sure when I donned this mask,

but I always try to vocalize my optimism.

I am not a very social person.

But I did find myself talking to you quite a bit.

And, from the moment I saw you, I felt a very strong sadness in you,

one that I recognize.

I saw it slip in ways;

casual jokes,

sitting and staring,

your forced smile.

It’s…why I’ve tried so hard to get you to smile for real.

And it always felt good whenever I did so.

Or made you laugh.

I remember one time, you jokingly called me out on my cheerful demeanor, saying you didn’t believe me,

and, in my head, I only remember freezing.

You’d never be able to tell, but,

you really slipped me up there.

And had me worried that someone saw me.

The real me.

And…I was right. Just not in the way I feared.

And, somehow, even worse than I could have imagined.

Does that make sense?

Probably not.

Even so,

I find myself resorting to old habits.

When you tell me of your troubles,

I just promise you it’ll be okay.

You know me by now,

and you know I am a very unhappy person.

But I really hope with the time we’ve spent apart,

you genuinely believe I’m doing better,

and your mind can rest easy when I tell you that we’re both gonna be okay,

when I’m sure we both know that’s likely not true.

I can only hope

that you make it out in the end.

I really care about your happiness,

just as I care about you.

Even if I cannot bare to look you in the eyes,

or if I’ll ever even see you again,

I just

I really hope

you’re happy.

Truly, genuinely happy.

It’s a big world.

We both know this.

I know it doesn’t end with you.

And that’s…particularly upsetting.

This situation is nothing new.

Everyone has lost their person.

And life goes on.

It’s something I hoped I’d get numb to with time, but

every second of every day, all I really think is how much I miss you.

I don’t remember when you became so important to me or even what I was before that.

I’ve become something else entirely.

I’m becoming more of a person,

only at the cost of what little happiness I had.

It’s the kind of thing that never really fades,

you just carry it better.

And that’s…

troubling.

…

This

specific circumstance has caused

far, far too much grief for me to bare.

I’m holding on

purely because you told me to

a long time ago.

“You’ve gotta just keep showing up”,

right?

I’m trying to,

it’s just been really hard without you.

I don’t know why,

and I wish I could tell you why I was made this way.

My brain isn’t right.

And I’m unsure if it’ll ever be.

So, if that is how it must be,

I like to think this is for the best,

that you don’t have to deal with this cataclysmic mess I’ve become.