so i ended up talking to him about how when he said he’d cut if i cut. and how it made me feel worse. ima just simplify it and sorry if i dont make sense. but he asking me why he cant if i can, and i said its because i dont want him to get hurt (especially because of me) in which he called me a hypocrite. and i told him im aware but it still makes me feel worse if he does, he responded by saying that he fees the same way when i do. the fact is i understand that, and im hyper aware of it which doesn’t help. anyway he was saying how he would cut because he didnt from the time before (my last post) and i kept telling him now, in which instead he started scratching at his arm really hard (to a point of which i could hear it) and he wouldn’t stop and was saying he’d find something to actually cut later. after i got him to stop saying that stuff and stop scratching at his arm he ended up telling me that the reason he said and did stuff was because he didnt want me to think i was alone, an i told him i know im not alone and him doing it just makes me feel like i deserve the harm i bring upon myself. yet he didnt listen and i ended up giving up. and he made me promise too him if i ever did it again that he would have to see how bad, and that he would get too do it too. which has gotten me overly stressed as ive been clean a month total. and i have the feeling and want to relapse but im scared of what he’ll do because he said he gets to do it worse to himself.
idk anymore and im trying so hard not to relapse.