Our relationship started about 3-4 months ago on valentine’s day, in January it was pretty obvious we were into each other and things at first seemed to be fine, but then perspectives of our relationship started clashing and we’ve been fighting every 2-3 days because of it.
We process things very differently, from my perspective these are petty or small arguments but to her they’re too much. I had a talk with her about it and she expressed her frustration about our constant arguments, so we agreed to try our best to reduce them. (as I’m writing this, I’ve come to realize we didn’t define exactly how we’d reduce the arguments)
The thing about her is, she has a lot of trauma from family constantly arguing with her, she only knows how to communicate by yelling because she wasn’t taught another way. I was raised identically, but I grew and healed a lot thanks to my realistically optimistic friends. She hasn’t healed, hence I’ve talked to her about it all the time so we both can grow together as we both understood that we both have a lot to learn.
She was constantly battling her pessimistic behavior, thoughts, etc thanks to our conversations. It felt like I was making breakthroughs with her once every week, watching her slowly start healing would make me wanna start crying a little - I was watching somebody who literally hated the idea of healing and optimism improve themselves and try to love themselves in real time, it was incredible and I was (still am) so proud of her.
However, we’d still have clashes every few days, and I do blame it on the fact we didn’t define HOW we’d stop it.
As the days went by, I noticed her attitude started to get more and more intense. I had a talk with her about her anger issues so she could accept she has anger issues, afterall the first step to fixing something about yourself is acknowledging that you have it.
In short, I basically said “You often use your anger in situations where you don’t need to use your anger. Yes, all of your emotions are valid but there are many better alternatives that don’t stress both of us out. Using your anger to solve things is like pointing a gun to your head in order to shoot the person behind you.”
She responded by telling me things home “You can insult me if i go too far” “I give you the permission to hit me if I unjustifiably yell at you” “You can genuinely curse me out”
I was shocked, but I understood this came from her childhood trauma and I told her I wouldn’t do anything she told me to do, at most I’d be a little rude about reminding her of our conversations - something I only did once in the past 6 weeks. I usually calm her down by reminding her that no one’s here to hurt her and I don’t have any intentions of causing any harm, etc etc. It works because it turns her anger and defensiveness into sadness and vulnerability, something that I can comfort her through.
One day, we had another argument, this time over text, seemingly it sparked out of something small but she seemed done with everything.
In the moment, I had an anxiety attack (I’ve been growing depressed myself) and was leaning on to her. Instead of trying to comfort me through it, she continued the argument and it ended up almost making me pass out due to stress. She did try to help me by giving me advice and such but I wasn’t thinking rationally and started being a bit rude and emotional, I don’t remember what I said and I’d hate to come off as narcissistic for not remembering, but I do remember that i didn’t insult her and instead I was just very overwhelming for her in the moment. I told her in the past that when I get in that state, the only thing that can really help me is being reminded that I’m loved and just being loved through it - she hasn’t exactly been able to do that for me due to her own issues, and during the attack I mentioned how her being too exhausted to deal with me isn’t a good reason to not help me through an anxiety attack. That set her off, she started calling me so many names, insults, etc and then eventually she told me she was done with improving herself and that she doesn’t give a shit anymore to even care for anything (something along those lines, every time i try to remember it’s very fuzzy).
It’s been 3 days ever since.
The first day we didn’t even talk until 6pm and she wouldn’t stop talking about how she regrets ever trying to improve or trusting me with anything sexual (she has a past with that too and just to be clear we haven’t had sex). She also wouldn’t stop talking about how much she’s given up and how little she cares - she even cut herself (told to me by our mutual friend, who noticed her hissing whenever she tried to touch her arm).
The second and third days our communication has been just updates on eachother and asking what we’ve been doing or how we are. She doesn’t like it when I try to jokingly flirt with her or even just be a bit excited about her (noticed this on Day 2, haven’t done it since because I don’t wanna force it). It’s also pretty obvious she won’t take advice because she won’t care for it, same for comfort over text, not sure about irl.
I decided to be patient and keep my distance so she could relax and i could take my time to figure something out for her.
We agreed on a boundary of not telling our friends our relationships issues unless they get out of hand (AKA abuse). So with very vague details and without even mentioning this was about my girlfriend, I vented to my friend (18M) who’s studying Psychology in university by saying “A person I care about deeply has stopped taking care of themselves and doesn’t seem to care for any advice given to them.”
He told me to act as a safety net for her, to not force her into venting but instead just make my presence known. He also reminded me I can’t exactly control her back into normalcy, it’s all on her and the best I can do is just be somebody she can choose to rely on. I agreed with him, as any other solution would be too forceful or too careless.
I’m gonna see her today and I plan on writing a letter for her, something maybe 3 pages long that’s hopefully encouraging. I won’t write anything about getting better, just things that might get her to naturally change her perspective on things, as she’s currently very pessimistic about everything and somehow always manages to find the worst even in the best of situations. If she lets me, I’m also gonna give her a lot of hugs and cuddling, she asked to fall asleep in my arms the same day we argued before the argument (It’s pretty obvious we’re both physically affectionate lol).
As I’m reading my text, it sounds like I’ve got everything figured out, but in truth I need advice or just thoughts and opinions.
It feels like I’m missing something important and for the love of me I can’t figure out what. Me and the majority of her/our friends are worried.