Heartbroken
I used to sleep around a lot. I eventually had to stop because it was hurting my partners for me to go off and see other people. I often say that I identify as polyamorous, not just that I practice it, and this was something I voiced to both of them, and at least I thought our relationship would have this idea as something foundational.
But neither of them could stand it. It also wasn't really having the effect I imagined it would. I liked to think when I was out, the two of them were at home spending time together. (one partner joined later, we've been together for like 6 and 4 years respectively) But recently I learned this was not what was happening at all. The newer partner would just sit by themselves and cry. I didn't know how bad it was at the time... Not really.
So when I found out how bad it was for them they didn't ask me to stop, I just kinda did. The connections I made with other partners fizzled out and I deleted the dating apps and such. At first it was frustrating, but after a few months of not seeing other people I started feeling more and more comfortable with just the three of us living in our cute little condo together with our cats and I started feeling like I had everything I needed. And it stayed that way for about a year.
Now though... that same partner has feelings for someone. They said to me that I could go and date other people now, and that they found enough confidence in themselves. But... when they gave me the freedom to engage in polyamory the way I always wanted to, or at least the way I thought I always wanted to, the only thing I wanted to do with that freedom was them. (and do them I did.)
For context, we hadn't been intimate for some time. I started thinking maybe I was ace, or something. That I just wasn't interested in sex anymore at all. I think this probably hurt them more than seeing other people did honestly. Since that day though we've been intimate every night, we kinda have a streak going. and I've also been intimate with my other nesting partner too, albeit in our own way. I'm reconnecting with both of them over this. That's the weird part.
And the other weird part is that I'm filled with emotions that all conflict with eachother. Excitement, jealousy, sadness, hope. I'm a bit of a mess actually.
I had a bit of a falling out with the person they caught feelings for. The details aren't important. My partner didn't think I'd care. I do.
The first two days after they told me were fucking hard. I think I've cried over this harder than I cried when our cat died. For context, I do *not* cry. When I tell you I do not cry, I mean I didn't cry when my childhood dog died. I tried, but like... nope.
But this? This is the thing that finally breaks the dam?
I thought I was incapable of jealousy. what with identifying as poly and all that shit. I didn't feel this way when my other partner fucked his best friend on a trip. I didn't feel this way when he hooked up with someone early on in our relationship.
Why now?
And here's the other neat part, is that ever since they told me about it, I started taking care of myself? Like hygiene has always been somewhat difficult for me but I've been up early in the morning every single day, showered and awake before 7. 5 days in a row.
What the fuck is happening to me? I'm not supposed to get jealous, why now? And even if I did feel like jealousy was all there was to it, I don't have any ground to stand on here after how many times they felt the same way when I went out with other people, whether I knew how bad it was or not.
Edit:
Yeah, you guys this doesn't sound like the healthiest polyamory ever but I figured some shit out.
I thought I couldn't tolerate watching my partner be happy with someone I had a falling out with but I as I crashed into the cold dark waters of the pacific I realized a few things.
- I want to mend the relationship I have with the other person they have feelings for because I care about him, not because it's a prerequisite. I was conflating a need with a condition.
- I'm capable of jealousy after all and that's okay. I will still feel jealous for a while and that's also okay.
When I first moved in with my two partners 3 years ago, I spent the first year and a half supporting the house. Paying the mortgage, all the bills, everything. It was working for a little while, I believed in the dream. They wanted to own and operate a retail space and I imagined it would be beautiful when I wouldn't have to be the breadwinner anymore. But then after-a-while never came.
It wasn't just the money, that I probably could've lived with. It was the fact that I hated this job I had, I was suffering. And both of my partners placed the entire weight of their emotional stability onto me, and when we ended up getting a windfall it was enough money for me to quit that job and focus for a while on healing before finding something else.
But that weight they placed on me was still there. I never did heal. It's been almost a year since we got that money and it's pretty much all gone and I never got a chance to heal.
See, they're the kind of person who for them insecurities was a bit of a personality trait. I thought if I could just love them enough they'd find something resembling self-worth. But they could never find that in me.
3 months ago I disappeared. I had a project I was working on I thought might be something that could bring both us and myself financial independence. I slept on the couch every night, our cat died during that time and that was hard and it pushed me even further into the work.
Some days I forgot what they looked like. I forgot to shower for a week at a time. The fact that I had something to work on was only masking the collapse. I collapsed under that weight of feeling like it was my responsibility to keep the three of us together. So I just stopped trying.
And the same thing went through my head, where I thought maybe while I was gone, the two of them could spend time together without me and again that wasn't what was happening.
Then a week ago my partner came to me and said it's been really hard watching me backslide.
Two days after that they told me who it was they had feelings for. I never let them see me cry, they went off to the shop and I imagined what they were doing together. They said they were just going with the flow for now, that nothings really happened yet, they just kissed.
I cried three times the day after. I hugged our other cat, the one who's still alive, and told him it would be okay and I cried again. I was really trying to tell myself it would be okay.
But... something beautiful was happening to me and I thought it was jealousy. I mean, part of it was. But that wasn't the whole picture. I was feeling things after having been so numb for so long.
When they told me they had feelings for this person they told me something else too. They said they found their self-worth and that if I wanted to see other people I could and they'd be okay with it now. And when I looked at them, that weight that I felt was gone. I looked at them and saw them. For the first time in a really really long time I really saw them. Not as someone who needed me, but as someone who didn't but wanted me anyway.
We've had sex every night since then. We've been talking more openly than we ever have.
I'm hopeful for our future together. Because yeah it hasn't been healthy, and there's still a lot of work to be done for us, but right now? I told them last night that I was falling in love with them all over again but it's more than that.
I love them in color this time.