u/EchidnaSevere2067

2/6/87

Dear Kitty,

I don't think I'll send this to you, and I don't think you'd take the time to even open it. so I'm keeping it tucked under the dodgy hollow part of my damaged wooden closet - you know the bit. My vague hope is that one day, in a kinder time, some historian with too much time on his hand will pry this message out of what'll probably end up some millionaires property and at least someone else will know about how I truly feel about you.

To clear the air it's been a year since the attack in your bedroom, and no, the scar hasn't faded - and it still aches from time to time. it's remained a deep red gash, 9 inches long, 2 thick and god some days I can swear it feels like that knife was never taken out. I think you were lucky enough to get away without one, just some bruises that would fade after a few weeks and a complete mental disassociation with my name and the soft way you'd always let it roll off your tongue.

Chelsea.

I can hear it even as I write this, the way you'd let the final syllables of that word drag out, allowing me to engage in the fantasies of what we could one day become the beauty that existed in the air only when I heard you utter it. Your soft blue eyes, the way your head would tilt ever so slightly when you got comfortable and just how fast that adorable fist could clench down when it needed to. When I'd say that I tamed your fire I meant it Kitty, I'd bare the heat no matter how much you'd burn. I didn't forget it kitty, no matter how hard I tried.

You were never outside with me kitty. when that man climbed through your window, like a psycho in one of those deranged dramas you always have on in the background (I remember those too) your first fear was that the police would know about this. that everyone would know about us.

when you shot him it wasn't to keep me safe kitty, it was to get rid of any witnesses. Of what we were doing there, or the shame that struck you every single time you stared at my soft lips, which now become more cracked day after day. You needed an alibi, and I needed evidence. Evidence that you felt the same way as me. Evidence that your refusal to even look at me after the attack - you weren't even the one that got hurt - was symptoms of some strange PTSD adjacent disorder and not just because you were willing to pick me off your skins like some disgusting scar.

So now my heart aches for you kitty, and I think your name more I'd say it, and far more than you'd be willing to. Even then you'd force it out wouldn't you? Cut it off early so that I can't even indulge in the fantasy that for just one day you wouldn't feel ashamed when you hear my name. Maybe you regret that you burned a bond that was deeper and rich than any you could ever imagine with those soulless eyes, and eyes ready to pounce at any prey that dare linger on them for more than a second.

Theres a side of you you'll never know Kitty.

I know you'll never reply Kitty, and I also know that i'd still be done enough to stand by my front door every morning, praying you'd one day write my name so I could cherish it like some deranged anti-signature, evidence of existence for a woman that can't help but wonder who's really waving back in the mirror.

don't be a stranger - Chelsea

(this is bad because I don't write lol I'm doing a maths degree JUST to avoid essays. I was just listening to Phoebe Bridger's on loop and was suddenly taken into the body of a sad sapphic woman when I'm only ONE of those things. sprinkled some lyrics in there hehe)

I think you'd let me

take you outside

shoot you in the head

As long as I said please

So maybe I'm selfish

polluting your soul

Throwing aged bones

To get out of sleep

and maybe one day

I'll be brave enough

let your soul not chase me

And drive home alone

listen to the radio

pretending every word

Wouldnt be any different

If you werent by my side

and you'll bark at me

and spare a bite

I know I'll play mad

but wish you went further

for now we'll play games

the sun will set

and you'll sit on my lap

things will never change

you'd lift it for me wouldn't you?

Tears in my eyes, tears in yours

our sick twisted fantasies

because it'd always end like this

the two wrecks

a regular at your bar

The one that couldn't start speaking

The one that couldn't stop

The only one to lift your gun is the one you'd trust

Not to pull your trigger

I don't want to be conscious to see it

see your tongue down my mouth

See your smile as you've done your deed

And pretend I'm nodding too

I don't want to laugh at your jokes

Pretend that I know you

Smile in a crowd of strangers

And lift my glass to carve my soul

I don't want to be your perfect friend

wink at a picture and flatter you in screens

Have everyone know my name

And chant it as it loses it's meaning

I don't want to be your poetic shipwreck

The villain that pierced your soul

Or your saviour that holds you down

I want you to blink and I'm gone.

I don't want to be your rot

scratching your soul and darkening your blood

you'll wish I was a shadow

and I'll fade into one.

Ill take a few shots more

A wish I'll wake up in another body

A good friend, good lover, good son

And wait for it all to click

And if I don't wake up

Let it be for the better

Let me be forgotten

Or remembered as your ghoul

​

every day since we became friends I can't even look at you. We're the exact same person and sometimes I look at you and think wow, I hate you. I hate one of my closest friends. But you've done so much for me and I cling to you every day but you just remind me of myself too much..

Youre five years older than me, I'm 19 next week and you're 24 so I thought it'd be nice, having a friend thats a mature student. But all you do is remind me that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try in five years I'll still be autistic, Ill still be struggling.

We like the same music, and every time either of us opens our mouths something stupid comes out. The only difference between us is that you talk about your feelings. Every thought that you've ever had, you verbalise it, and you want me to do the same.

So I know everything about you know, I know how you seperate yourself from your parents, I know how when you were eighteen you jumped in front of a train to end you're own life, and now that Im in my last few days of being that age part of me wishes I could have that bravery to just let the train take me away. But I dont. Ill just turn into you, going through the motions spending every day more miserable than the last. Being stuck in your feelings.

You accepted that you were different a long time ago but I still hear you cry wishing you were normal, I don't want to accept I'm different I dont want to accept Im autistic and part of me gets angry at you for that, you just remind me I'm different by just being there.

Last night I think I lost the ability to fake a smile for just another day, and I had to walk home for 30 minutes, this country still hot despite the intense weather and you had to do the same, and I just let the sadness of the world crush me in. I don't like your friends and I don't think you do either. I think you deserve better friends and I think you deserve one better than me. But neither of us will, we're just going to be miserable every single day of our lives, no matter how much either of us delude ourselves.

I want to tell you it'll get better for you, but I believed it'd get better for me. and now I'll be 19 and me and soon I'll be 24 and I'll be you. And I dont think you'll ever be happy and I don't think I'll ever be happy. I don't think it's in us.

in five years I'll wake up. Ill think I'm doing well. Ill look in the mirror and I'm you. Same unearned confidence. Same unearned anxiety. and I'll give you the grace nobody gives you, you give me the love nobody gives you. We can be happy for a second but we both know that one day we'll be in graves, probably near each other.