Rant/Vent. Please help
No one in my life understands but I really just need to vent/put this out.
I (23F) started off with Juvenille Myoclonic Epilepsy when I was 16. I had minature muscle spasms that I ignored until I was 19 because I thought I was overreacting and doctors are expensive. I was unemployed at the time and my sleep schedule was sleep all day be up all night. On Thanksgiving 2021, I had a muscle spasm infront of my parents because my mom broke my schedule because she wanted dinner together, where they proceeded to yell at me and ask what was wrong with me. For 4 years I only had Muscle spasms where I would lose temporary function of my arms, legs or have kinda like the chills. It effected me a lot but I didnt have anyone to talk about. My first Neuro didnt believe me. I had my first Grand Mal alone in my room. I was playing minecraft with some friends online and woke up confused on my floor with missed calls from my friends. They told me they heard me groaning and grunting and my tongue was messed up. When I told my Neuro he told me I probably just passed out. I relaxed and fixed my schedule, I was good for a while minus a small falling down the stairs incident from my spasms. After a while I moved back home with my sister instead of my parents.
I was good for the first year. October, and November of 2024 I had 2 Grand Mals at home where my sister found me confused and daised staring at the wall unsure of where I was. At the end of my Job at the time I had a Grand Mal at work that ended up with my going to the hospital where they said, Youre awake now, nothing we can do. Go home. This one really freaked out my sister as it has been 3 months consistently. Unfortunately with my state, after a reported seizure you're not permitted to drive within 6 months of a seizure.
I had about 3 total last year along with several mini-spouts of my muscle spasms. Now the reason I need to vent and post. About 2 weeks ago, I haven't really told anyone for fear of being fired etc., I was alone in the store of my current job, I was training a new hire and it had been a really stressful day. I felt sick but didnt really pay it any attention. I remembered getting my new hire to final steps of our closing process and then next thing I know, I'm sitting in the work chair with dried blood on my nose and mouth. I messed up my tongue pretty bad and I was genuinely so confused. (I was very lucky that during my post-recovery phase I didnt walk out because we were closed to customers and our doors were locked). I had realized after I sent my New-Hire home, I had a seizure at some point during the process. The next day I found out from my GM that my new hire had reached out to him and asked him if I was okay. I didnt know until then that my New Hire had seen my seizure. Apparently I kept slipping after she mopped the floors about twice, I had urinated on myself during the process, I kept repeating my words and staring off. I was genuinely so embarrassed. I couldn't face that new hire for a week. Mind you this is the same employer that I had had seizures hours before my shift in 2025 without calling off. I was terrified.
I know my health is important of course but being without a job for those 10 months, (6 without being able to drive and another 4 to get accepted to a reliable job) Im terrified of losing it or getting fired. Am I wrong for that? Why do I feel guilty? Im on Keppra to help with my seizures but It also gives me terrible mood swings. Any advice from anyone more experienced/any help is appreciated please.