I got broken up by the man I love through text, and its impact is something I would carry with me forever.
I got broken up by the man I love through text, and its impact is something I would carry with me forever.
I don’t really need an advice. Please allow me to share this. I have lost the love of my life, my best friend, and now I have no one to actually tell this to.
It only happened this morning.
Please do not copy / repost outside Reddit. Seriously.
He wanted to talk in person but I insisted that he should at least give me a gist. A bullet-point summary would suffice. I don’t deserve to be left anxious, thinking I did something wrong, and wait several days before I could actually see him in person.
I had a hunch. I just didn’t want to believe it. I gave it the benefit of the doubt that maybe the pessimism is induced by the bad, bad anxiety — that, now that I actually think of it, he caused.
Even with hesitation, he followed through to my request. I read. I listened to his reasons. I didn’t take it personally. I wanted to truly understand him, because I didn’t want to end up hating him just because I didn’t get the outcome I wanted.
I didn’t make it about myself.
I didn’t take it against him.
I didn’t make it seem bad.
I didn’t argue.
I didn’t try to change his mind at all.
Honestly, I saw it coming.
I just didn’t think it would happen much sooner.
The messages, the litany of his reasons why he needs to do this written on a screen, were ultimately for him, so I have something to look back to as point of reference to truly understand him.
I took what he said at face value.
I didn’t even feel the need to verify.
I just trusted his words, and respected the decision to end the relationship.
It made me realize a lot about myself.
I love him so much, I humanized him and his actions.
I didn’t care, at this point, whether or not those reasons are true.
To set aside the pain this situation gives me to understand him as a human, not seeing him as a boyfriend, or lover, or any title, is a manifestation of my love for him.
Most of his break up reasons are circumstantial. He isn’t in a good place right now, and as cliché as it already is, he apparently needs to focus on himself.
Alone. Without me in the picture.
I only had one question; one, personal, quite selfish question that I desperately needed to be answered by him, with complete honesty.
I asked: if the circumstances are different, and he is in a better place, living a better, much comfortable life ideal to him, would I be someone he’d actually want to be with?
I just needed a yes or no. It was a question he doesn’t need to think about at all.
And I didn’t have an answer.
He reasoned himself out of it— he cannot answer it because he already is thinking about a lot of stuff. One question about my value in his life was too overwhelming, he decided to keep it unanswered.
That’s it. That, itself, is an answer.
Loud and clear.
I am the disposable one. I am the least priority.
In everything I do, he is always considered.
I always think about how my choices, decisions, and actions will affect him and people he value. I always look at the big impact. If there is something I am proud of myself, it’s how I love so purely and wholeheartedly. It’s a double-edged sword; but if it’s pure and non-transactional, it’s always a win. Pain and grief are just the caveat, as nothing is ever truly free.
But I gave it to him out of my own volition. He didn’t force me at all. I loved him, because I wanted to love him. I chose to be with him. I could’ve been anywhere else with anyone else doing anything else, but I am here, because I consciously decided to be here and give love to the person I chose.
Now, I am just dealing with consequences of my own actions. And, you know what? I am actually okay with that.
I have to hold myself accountable.
I cannot control my lover, or rather, my former lover.
And I am okay with that.
It hurts me that it took him this long to realize our relationship isn’t something that will do him good, with his current circumstances.
Yet, I am also grateful that he realized it sooner than later.
I know it’s bare minimum, but I am thankful that somehow he was honest about it, even if that’s questionable. It’s not my problem anymore whether it is or not. Whatever this is, it speaks more about him more than me.
I wouldn’t say this doesn’t hurt.
It hurts like a motherfucker.
I wanted it to work so bad.
Perhaps, this is another reminder that I can’t get everything I want.
It’s not because I don’t deserve it.
It’s a redirection towards the path of better things I deserve.
Destruction must occur to create space for better things I actually deserve.
Not getting what I want is a redirection towards much worthy things I deserve; it is not a dead end.
I will trust the process.
Come think of it: I have always figured it out.
Why am I so worried?
In the end, I still won— even if the outcome was different than what I really, really wanted.
You know why?
I came out as a better version of myself, compared to its version coming into the situation.
Now that I know better, I thank the experience, and hope that he gets what he wants out of this.
My journey continues.
I would like to sleep for now. I am tired.
This better be worth it.
(29 year age gap. F, gen z. M, gen x.)
Not written by AI. I wrote this trying to tire myself to sleep. If you made it this far, thank you for your time. It’s nice to be heard. 🤍