Moving in together after long distance and suddenly income difference is a problem
Hi everyone,
We've been long distance for 3 years. He's in Seattle, I'm in Boston. We've made it work with visits and FaceTime but we're finally closing the gap. He got a job offer in Boston starting next month and we're looking at apartments together. Here's where it gets complicated. I make $165k in tech. He makes $78k as a project manager. When we were long distance this didn't really matter because we had our own places and our own expenses. But now we're trying to figure out how to split rent and living costs. He wants to split everything 50/50. So if we find a place for $2400/month, he'd pay $1200 and I'd pay $1200. But $1200 is almost 20% of his take home pay and only about 9% of mine. That seems really unfair to me. I suggested splitting proportional to income so he'd pay maybe $900 and I'd pay $1500. He got really quiet and then said that makes him feel like a failure and like I don't see him as an equal partner. He said his ex girlfriend always made him feel bad about his salary and he doesn't want that in this relationship.
Now he's saying maybe we shouldn't move in together if I'm going to make it about money. Which is not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to be fair but also I can't afford to subsidize his lifestyle when he makes good money, he's just making less than me. We've been so excited about finally being in the same city and now this is putting a shadow over everything. I don't know how to bring up money without him thinking I don't respect him or his job.
I just want us to be fair but I don't know how to say that.