didn’t think my life would look like this
this is going to be long- I need to get it out :( We were so happy and so in love.. I didn’t know he was an addict and I didn’t know things would spiral so quickly. My parents are addicts I know how this goes. I should’ve saw the signs. And I’m heart broken because I’m pregnant with his baby and I’m terrified my son will learn that same pain. I caught him for the first time the morning of my first OB appointment. Should’ve left then. I guess in my defense we’re young 23 & 24 and everyone smokes weed and drinks often. That’s not rare so at first I didn’t realize the severity of the situation. I even was doing it with him for a while. But I’m not addicted so I could just stop and then of course with me being pregnant I stopped everything all together. He said he wanted to change and to stop too. But I’m 7 months pregnant now and it’s something everyday. It’s never fully stopped. He did stop drinking which I’m glad because he’d get very mean and scary sometimes. Now it’s mostly weed or edibles or kratom. to a lot of people it’s not that serious his addictions/ drugs he chooses to do aren’t seen as all that bad since they’re legal in most places. This has made it really hard for me to get help. People don’t understand how bad it gets. Ive even had family members tell me he deserves a casual drink here and there and just not to provoke him. They don’t understand. I didn’t understand what it was like to love an addict/ alcoholic either until I started having to live it. Everyday is another lie. And the next a pledge to do better and fix everything. And the day after that is another lie. If we even make it that far in the cycle. I know a lot of people would tell me just to ignore it or allow him since he’s not technically doing anything illegal and I’ll need him to help with the baby and finances. But they don’t understand. He gets scary and mean when he’s drunk. He’s not himself it’s like he’s barely even there when he’s high. And with his previous history, I now know he’s been to rehab and programs several times. He’s dabbled in harder drugs in the past- pills hallucinogens coke molly- idk idek what some of the stuff is. But I know if this is his starting point that’s where he’ll end up back at. I’ve tried to get him to stay the path for me and the baby and his daughter. But every single day he lies. Tonight he will cry in my arms until we’re both soaked in tears telling me how much he wishes he was better and wants to change and be who we need him to be. And tomorrow on his way home from work he’ll turn off his location and go buy something whether it’s kratom or an edible or a preroll or a beer. He’ll come in and honestly at this point I try to ignore it. I just want peace. Every time I get upset it’s not good for the baby. But something will come up. He’ll just be acting extremely oddly and it’ll be hard to ignore. Or like today I guess he forgot he hid an edible under his hat. He took it off and it fell to the floor right in front of me. I asked what it was and he took off literally running to hide it only to come back and stand right in front of me and lie saying it was nothing. And then that nothing was a receipt. And then it was nothing again. Eventually it spirals out of control till there’s a big argument and finally he’ll tell the truth or something like a truth. Maybe it was an edible I don’t even know for sure. All that to say. I need to leave him. But it’ll be pretty impossible to find a job at 7 months pregnant. And I won’t be able to work once the baby is here. I can scrape by I think, without him. I’ll go without things but I could make it work I think. But I hate to live alone. It’s so depressing. 4 walls become a cell with no one to talk to, going so long without speaking your voice cracks when you respond to the cashier at check out. Your thoughts are loud and the silence is loud. I guess that’s one of the more selfish reasons I don’t want to leave. Also because I really love him deeply. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s the one if he didn’t struggle with addiction. I’m also worried about birth, postpartum and caring for and providing for a newborn alone. My family and friends might drop in and show up here and there but they’re not really reliable and they’re focused on their own lives more-so. I’m scared what my mental health might do to me dealing with it all alone. And some days I’m scared what he might do to me if I stay. It feels like a lose lose situation. Being a child of addicts and ending up with an addict. It’s like re traumatizing to where I honestly feel like a deer in headlights. I’ve seen this all before and I know how it ends. I’ve felt this hurt before. My whole life actually I’ve had drugs chosen over me, never felt like enough, had my life destroyed by drugs I never touched. And now my son might experience that too. I feel guilty and weak and lost.