help me
I have never dated, and that affects me more deeply than I like to admit. What hurts even more is that when I was younger, I was considered good-looking, and as crude as it sounds, I feel like I never “used” that time. Now I feel like it’s gone.
I also used to have a brighter personality. But even back then, I was anxious, and there was always a sadness walking beside me. I always wanted a girlfriend — but more than that, I wanted genuine love, companionship, and emotional closeness. The problem is that I never wanted to appear vulnerable. I was afraid of being hurt.
Still, whenever I took a leap of faith and opened up to someone, I got rejected. Recently, just a few days ago, I was rejected again. Over time, repeated rejection started affecting how I see myself.
On paper, my life is fine. I have a very good job, stability, and things are generally okay. But emotionally and socially, I feel deeply inadequate. Relationships and connection are the one area where I feel completely behind everyone else.
Part of this comes from betrayal. When I was around 17, I experienced severe betrayal from people I considered close friends. I was mocked and shunned after confessing my feelings to a girl, and she rejected me in a humiliating way. That experience stayed with me.
To protect myself from further pain, I slowly built walls around myself. I became avoidant, reclusive, and distant. I pushed people away before they could hurt me again. Over time, I stopped trying — not just with women, but with people in general. I have felt rejected by friend groups and by men as well, not only romantically.
All of this eventually turned into bitterness and an irrational hatred toward women. I blame myself first, but I also blame the internet and the toxic ideas I absorbed online — ideas about hypergamy, “bad boys,” and women settling for “safe guys” later in life. I remember hearing those ideas when I was younger, and they affected me deeply.
The ironic thing is that I no longer even feel like that “safe good guy” anymore. I feel like I’ve become a hateful person — someone angry at people in general. And I know this is unhealthy. I know this mindset is harming me.
But I don’t want to stay this way.
I want to become emotionally healthy again. I want to stop seeing relationships through fear, resentment, and humiliation. I want to feel normal again — capable of trust, connection, vulnerability, and love without constantly expecting betrayal or rejection.