Was this sexual assault?
I guess I'll start by saying I've been really bothered about the idea of sex ever since I left my ex (summer 2025), my whole life I've always been weird about it but being with her made it worse after we broke up? Or I'm just maturing past being a hormonal teenager, but I've been thinking back a lot more on this one experience with my ex that horrified me even at the time, but makes me sick now. Disclaimer, my recollection is VERY fuzzy, since it was so long ago and I was so out of it.
I believe this was around winter of 2024...? my ex had just turned 18 and I was 16 and we had just smoked some weed in her car. I remember that we started making out, and I believe I was okay with her using her hand to finger me (gross description, I didn't know how else to word it) but I was SO high by that point I was hardly even aware that she was doing it. At some point I was basically unconscious, my eyes were closed and I was leaning against the door and when I came back to I was horrified and immediately pushed her off and started crying. She was always a lot more aware when we were under the influence than I was, because she had a much greater tolerance than I did.
She immediately stopped and asked if it was okay, but then she started making ME dote on her and reassure her because she felt bad. I really still don't know how to feel about this. On one hand I feel that she was unaware that I wasn't entirely conscious and that I'm thinking about it so negatively because we aren't on good terms anymore, but the memory of it is still so sickening to me. I don't really have anyone to talk about this to, so first post on reddit.