I (23M) changed for my gf (23F) became a better man — and lost her anyway. The guilt is destroying me
Eight months ago I started dating a girl I met at university. Our connection was immediate and we quickly became a couple. But my previous relationship, which had ended 9 months earlier, had left me deeply wounded — my ex cheated on me and faked having cancer for 3 months. We had been together for 5 years.
So I developed severe anxiety, and the beginning of this new relationship was very difficult. I had jealousy crises, panic attacks about her leaving or cheating on me. I threatened to leave when I was scared of being hurt, or I’d pack my things. I talked about my ex constantly, compared her to my ex, said hurtful things. I was stupid. I never wanted to hurt her, but I triggered her own traumas in the process.
During the relationship I knew I had to change to keep her. I made every effort to make it right. I started seeing a therapist. I swear on everything I hold dear that I loved her so much, and I was so aware that my mistakes were terrible, that I genuinely changed. I wanted to be better. I wanted to fix things.
So for months I did better. I gave the best of myself. I tried to heal the wounds. Every day was less hard. We had been through the difficult times together.
And then, after months — just when I was finally giving her what she needed, when I had dealt with the worst of my issues — she started to disinvest from the relationship. She said she couldn’t be 100% present anymore.
So I kept questioning myself, kept trying to show her it was worth it. I kept giving. But she was slowly unraveling the threads of our relationship, one by one.
One day I told her she couldn’t tell me she was lost and drift away at the same time. I asked her to go all the way with whatever she was feeling — to end it if that’s what it was.
She left.
A week later, after no contact, I reached out and told her everything — how much I wanted things to work, how happy I could make her if she could just overcome this block. She ended the conversation by saying she knew I was different, that she had seen all my efforts and was grateful for them — but that she couldn’t move forward anymore. That she was stuck in the past. That she couldn’t control it. That she was frustrated with herself.
I feel like I destroyed the thing I cared about most in the world. The guilt is immense and it’s eating me alive. I can’t move forward. I’m torn between hope of getting her back, crushing guilt, and the necessity of moving on.
I need your help guys
Has anyone been through something similar — where you genuinely changed, but too late? How did you cope with the guilt and move forward?