What's wrong with me?
I (20F) have a lot of emotional issues, I am aware of my symptoms that clearly just screams psychologically concerning that needs diagnosis and help from a professional, something about a lot of unresolved trauma and never feeling safe in a home where childhood felt like a gacha (I don't know which day was a safe day or another day of explosive people going at it).
But that's not why I'm here, just figured I'd say that ahead for background about me to why I'm always second guessing myself and never really knowing what was true that happened or not.
I feel really ridiculous and like I'm probably overreacting and I feel disgusting. For context, my dad is a physically affectionate person (hugging, kissing, back rubs, arms/hand around shoulder, basically anything that's like normal for familial affection) and as a child I used to love that. However, he is also the root of most family problems that cause mental instability for everyone at home. I tried to understand that I can tell he himself is also a damaged person and simply an outcome to his upbringing but he's a grown ass man and we've tried to help him and show him better directions in life.
From being the golden child adored so much for being the smartest and sweetest kid, I became a mean daughter to him due to resentments. Funny I don't think he can see that or realize any damage he caused, he's always been so avoidant of his faults, barely took accountability or even fixed relationships genuinely. I can just tell he wasn't used to proper communication, just silence after a fight until tension melts down to be forgotten. He still tries to be affectionate with me but now I feel disgusting every time he touches me. I hate it when he wraps his arms around me for a full or side his or when he kisses my head, I hate it when he touches my back to tell me that I need to wash up, I hate it when he one time pulled me in and tried to make me sit on his lap (I can still feel his hand holding my arm and pulling me on his lap which I immediately pulled away from, the thought and feeling of me sitting for a millisecond never left my mind. I'm sure he didn't mean it to be sexual or anything, I can't even tell if that really happened or was it all in my head), even accidental touches like sitting next to each other makes my skin crawl.
It would've been easy to conclude that maybe I'm simply just this way simply because I have so much resentment. But this much? I have a complicated relationship with my brother (love and hate) because hr too cannot understand that some banters make me feel upset and we don't always see eye to eye but sometimes we're fine (we have bonding moments, especially when in need of teamwork or me handling his panic attacks or making him feel safe when my dad is around. He was also able to communicate his feelings because I always showed him it was safe to talk about his anxiety especially when he feels like he's falling behind or when he has a new interest or something.). Same as my dad, any form of touch makes my skin crawl and I just hate it. I flinch every time physical contact occurs like when he pulls me when I walk too close to the road unaware of it or when he wants to tag alongside me when I head out I get pissed off.
And it gets so bad that I have to spray my skin/stuff that they touch with alcohol or wash it with water just to feel relieved.
Both of them cannot control their temper nor.are.they good at handling conflicts. They even have their 'man-child' moments that piss me off so bad and I can't do anything about it or else I'm seen as dramatic or just bitchy. But they never once inappropriately touched me or showed any form of sexual stuff. They're uncomfortable about any mentions of it when I'm around. I never had any trauma regarding that, just resentment. Why am I like this?
This isn't even the way I behave around my mum or any other guys or girl friends/family.
Why am I like this? I've been this way since I was like 18 and I don't know what to do about it or what the hell is going on. What if I date someone and get intimate? What's going to happen? Can anyone please tell me anything, I feel like this is all in my head.