How do I (21F) stop feeling like 'the man' in my relationship with my boyfriend (21M)?
I just want advice on what to do without breaking up. Or just to know if anyone else has dealt with this and how.
So, my boyfriend (21M) and I (21F) got together when I was 17 and he was 18, meaning we've been together for over 3 years now. And I think in those years my priorities have changed. Overall, we have great relationship but over the past year I've felt as if it's impossible to be the woman here. There are a couple things which make me feel like this.
It even comes down to our looks. He's not that short, around 182cm (5'11) and i'm 172cm (5'7). So to me, he's a bit short. And he's quite lanky and has a somewhat hard time gaining weight. Tbh, even though he wants to gain, he just doesn't really try. The moment he encounters a little hiccup(like getting ill for a week), game over. Me, on the other hand, I'm a little chubby, but currently working on it. All in all, I feel like a great dane who doesn't know it's size next to him. Plus, if we were to get attacked or something, there's no way he'd be able to defend me/us. He simply doesn't have that intimidation factor, even when he tries it just doesn't work with how he looks. This is probably more my insecurities talking but I just can't feel pretty and feminine next to him.
And sometimes the way he talks bothers me. Especially when we get into an argument or disagreement, he starts talking in a very soft voice. That irritates me further. I don't want him to be soft spoken in that moment, I want him to be assertive and commanding (for a lack of a better word). Yes, I've told him about that and he always says he'll try but never follows through.
I know it's 2026 and it doesn't really matter. But I study economics/management, and thinking of moving to economics/compsi. And he studies education. So in the future, I'll probably earn more than him. Meaning I might not be able to relax and know he has me. And I'm not saying I want to be a spoiled princess. But I just want him to pay for me sometimes. Like if we go out to eat or for drinks or on a trip. I just want to feel a bit taken care of. And it's not that he's not smart. He has a great mind and picks up on things easily. Even during some mind tests, he was told that he has analytical thinking. He just doesn't feel like trying. That also bothers me, he has such potential in so many departments, but he just sticks to education because he already chose that.
And because his schedule is lighter, he's usually at home while I'm at school. Meaning that he cooks and cleans more, which also makes me feel less feminine in a way. Which is so weird to me because I never used to think like this. I always loved that he loves cooking but recently even that bothers me. I don't even get the chance to cook.
This will be a little TMI, fair warning. I enjoy the whole sub/dom dynamic. And he knows this and likes being more dominant but he just doesn't have that energy. And with me not able to feel feminine, I have a problem submitting to him. I've tried but I just can't. He can't pin me down, doesn't turn me on anymore, which all sucks because I used to love doing it. Other than that, he's great in bed. And ever since I've stopped initiating, we do it like once a month. And I initiated like 90% of the time. How am I supposed to feel wanted when he doesn't show any want? And he just doesn't show interest in that aspect almost at all. I feel like a feral animal sometimes and he just doesn't care???? Like he has no interest in porn (thank god), rarely asks for nudes, no fantasies, gets off like 2-3x/week. That also makes me feel like I'm the guy here.
He also might have autism/adhd, which is something he's recently been researching about. I've had suspected adhd for a couple years now but never diagnosed or properly looked at. And I get that ND people work differently. And I want him to open up to me, to see me as a safe space. But it's like everyday there's something new about him and audhd. And he barely researches how to deal with it. More like how to get diagnosed/symptoms. I can't even talk about how depressed and lonely I feel or my procrastination problem without it sounding like a mental health competition.
I do genuinely love him and do not want to break up. But I have to admit that if I had met him now, I wouldn't get in a relationship with him and only remain friends. But with how well we know each other and we have a relationship that works mostly, I want to stay with him. I wish I could outright say this to him, but he's already insecure about his masculinity. His dad wasn't always present so he wasn't taught the 'manly' housework. He does work around his house nowadays, and he's quite good. Anyway, I fear that if I told him this he'd just shut down or even break up. To be fair, I did bring it up a few times but he thought it was just my weight insecurity. Told me we can start going to the gym again. I didn't have the heart to tell him that that wasn't the whole problem. I know I'm not some goddess who deserves the world and more, but I just want to feel loved and safe in my relationship
And I don't know if this is a problem with me, like projecting or something. But since I'm quite tall and not skinny, I already feel less feminine next to my friends/classmates. Only to come home and not able to feel girly with my boyfriend. All of it is impacting my self-esteem and confidence. And it's all so weird to me since we're both left-leaning and I never cared for more 'traditional' aspects. But I think I grew up and something changed.