[I HAVE A CONFESSION]: idk what we were, but it changed me
hi HEHAHQHWJSK may chika ak,, i don’t even know if this counts as a confession or just me finally admitting that what happened between me and this woman affected me deeper than i expected.
i met her during internship. at first it was just a harmless crush. you know when someone is SO pretty & smart ?? and suddenly your entire duty becomes brighter because they’re there? ganon lang siya nagsimula. cute little crush lang. i genuinely thought lilipas din. plus super nonchalant niya, cool exterior, minsan lang mag smile sa interns, masungit tingnan actually HAHA so pag siya ang naghahandle sa section namin, di ako nag ffunction properly, iba yung kaba ?? ramdam ang kabadingan ganon basta di ko siya matignan, makausap
tas eto naman si beh, idk san ako kumuha ng lakas ng loob ichat sha but I DID ?!?! super random lang WAHAHA but then we started talking more.
and somehow she became the person i looked for every day.
it wasn’t even one big moment. it was all the small things. umabot sa point na i'd ask her very random questions everyday, to slowly getting to know her favorites, her fears. then came the late night talks. she'd sometimes reply at very odd hours. then there was the teasing. the way i remembered small details about her. the way she called me by a nickname no one else uses. the way she noticed when i disappeared. i always asked her if nakukulitan na siya sakin, she'd say it's fine, still entertain me. then there were the random updates, the gift giving (mostly i gave, but she also did, maybe act of kindness lang haha) then on a v unexpected day, she resigned, last day na pala niya yon. tas super nasad ang ate niyo di ko na siya kinausap WAHAHA tas after a few weeks feel ko ang oa ko so chinat ko ulit, tas nalaman ko may pinapabigay siyang smth for me huhu remembrance chariz
eventually i told her how i really felt and prepared myself na she'd create distance between us na. but she didn't, actually she leaned more somehow. slowly, naging mas open siya, although she made it clear na she didn't mean to make me feel that way (haha opo) and then there were emotional conversations that somehow always happened pag nagtatampo ako sa replies niya (wAo?!) tas mag sosorry yan sha mag eexplain bat ganto ganyan hwhahwh
and i know some people will probably say “baka friendly lang siya.” honestly? maybe. maybe she was. i also wondered if ganun siya sa iba. if may nakakausap din siya halos everyday na ganon.
but there are moments that still sit in my chest because they didn’t feel casual at all.
like when i asked her if she thinks we’re close and instead of answering normally, she said she "thinks" we are, so i asked her why she isn't sure, she said she couldn't just conclude bcs what if i didn't feel the same way daw
or when we'd talk abt future things. seeing each othwr again someday. letting me “tour her” around places. i thought nga joke lang nung una, but she reminded me abt it. feel ko tuloy she genuinely saw us still having a connection years from now hwahaha actually when internship ended i tried to ask her na mag coffee last naman na, she said not to worry bcs magkikita pa naman kami someday hwhahahaha
there were also weeks na we won't talk, then just pick up where we left off, still called me "miss" or the nickname she used
and the thing is… nothing outright happened between us. nothing grand. no crossing obvious lines. which honestly makes it harder because i can’t even categorize what this was.
all i know is i started caring too much. :(
to the point where every silence from her affected me (real lawl). every little interaction replayed in my head. every time she pulled away slightly, i’d feel it immediately. and every time she came back, i’d melt all over again.
it’s so painfully wlw coded too because why are women so emotionally intimate 😭 why do some connections feel like they exist in this space between friendship and something more?
sometimes i think maybe we met at the wrong time. sometimes i think i imagined everything. sometimes i think she felt it too but chose not to let it become bigger than it already was.
update: di na kami nag ttalk hahaha it's been monthsssss. idk i just decided to disappear on a v random day too. nagbabakasakali na mawala yung feelingz ba whaha kaso potiks ano nA dala parin kita lods