I almost killed someone because of my schizophrenia
Hey guys, my name is mohamed am from Morocco and am 20 years old now
I was suffering from schizophrenia for almost 2 years now without knowing what it is, and it was the worst 2 years of my life
I was convinced in the last years that some neighbors and family members of mine are doing black magic, and can listen to my ideas and affect my thoughts and all that, and that they're trying to make me crazy,
I tried to kill them a couple of time, almost did a mass murder crime, i was going to kill more than 5 people, but they always survive by coincidence
For example, one day i got a knife and went outside at night waiting for one of those neighbors who goes to gym by that time of the night, i met him and i was about to kill him but some random dude showed up and i steped back and didn't kill him, after that event the voices just made it worse, calling me a coward, stupid, crazy and all that shit, but the worse experience was just about to happen
Over time the voices made me loose hope in life, telling me that i need to kill them so this torture stop, and that's exactly what i tried to do, one day i got my big knife and i was about to knock those neighbors door and kill all of them i wanted to kill some members of my family too, but because of luck, i sat for about 30 seconds, and i thought about all of this, I didn't get the right idea but i started thinking about how much my mom would suffer because of what am gonna do and i decided to delay killing them,
And to this i still wanna do it, and I can't get treatment because my family financial state just can't handle it, so am here suffering alone in the dark, it feels so scary and lonely that my only solution now is just ending it
Plz help 🫂