I’m unsure if my friend (25M) is being honest about not having feelings for me (26F) and I’m not sure what to do.
I am 26 F and my housemate is 25 M. We’ve been friends for two years and over the course of the last year, I developed feelings for him and was debating on whether or not I should say something. I didn’t want to complicate our friendship, but it was driving me crazy, so a couple of weeks ago I mustered up the courage to tell him how I feel.
Before confessing, I was 95% sure he felt the same way. Our entire friendship is built on banter, but we hold each other in high regard and honestly talk about ourselves. Not once have I ever felt that he’s not being transparent and we talk about our pasts and touchy subjects pretty openly. It’s a comfortability I have never experienced before. We enjoy each other’s company even in silence. And he’s very attentive and aware. I’m pretty hyper independent and will never ask for anything ever, but he’ll carry my bag for me when we’re out and about, hold open doors, walk me home or pick me up from places, pay for my drinks periodically, will move me out of the way if he’s worried about oncoming traffic or strange people, and whenever we’re out with friends, he’s pretty much by my side the whole night. We’re both intense people but there’s a lot of long, soul searching eye contact. If I’m in a minor crisis, he comes over immediately or brings by my favorite drink/snack to cheer me up. He just consistently goes the extra mile with a level of care that I only have with one other close female friend.
Anyway, when I told him how I felt, he was surprised. I was not expecting him to be surprised. I was calm in delivering my confession, but physically I was emotionally disregulated and very shaky. He gave me the longest, biggest hug of my life. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve never been hugged this way before by a previous partner, family member, or friend. If I tried to let go, he’d just squeeze tighter. Long story short, his response was that he loved me like family and that I had come into his life when he was in a very dark place and had brought him so much happiness, I had changed him, and I was a very important person to him but he didn’t feel the same.
At first I thought he might not be physically attracted to me, but he compliments my hair or outfits and has told me that I look “cute” or “cool” on more than one occasion.
We decided to stay friends and it hasn’t been weird or awkward. We just act and are how we’ve always been. If anything, we’re closer now. At first, I took his response at face value because he’s always been honest with me. But when I talk about my ex or dates, I notice a vibe shift. It’s so subtle but it seems like he’s uncomfortable. The other night he choked on his cigarette when I mentioned that I might find someone. Coincidence? I’m not sure.
I don’t know what to do. I’m not a black and white thinker, so this undefined friendship doesn’t bother me, but it is harder for me to move on and be enthusiastic in going on dates with other people. His response and his behavior is outside of my control but I’m not totally convinced he doesn’t have feelings. On one hand, his response could be entirely the truth. I’ve also considered that he might not have realized his feelings since it seems like he’s placed me on a pedestal in his life. Or he’s not being honest with me about his feelings for reasons I don’t know. Part of me thinks I should make the active effort to move on and the other part of me thinks that I should wait it out and see what happens. I’m curious what the Reddit community thinks and what I should do?