what to do if sex repulsion won't go away?
I'm 24, it's been 4 years since i last had real sex or any sexual encounter with anyone.
i have the basic generic gen-z origin story of watching porn since i was 7 and the content escalating quickly to violent stuff. despite that, i was very naive and shy as a child/teen and that led me to being sexually harassed at school for years without telling anyone, and later on turned into relationships with no existence of consent and me putting myself in terrible situations just to keep feeling desired.
the moment i left, sex became something that scares and disgusts me. i desire it. i have libido. i masturbate, frequently. but even when im with someone i trust, or even someone im actually dating, even just kissing them sends me into a spiral bc kissing will eventually lead to sex (in my head). i desire people but when im with them i get paralyzed with dread.
idk. im just desperate. I'm not able to reciprocate my partner's sexual advances despite desiring them, and they won't overstep my boundaries even if i beg and tell them i need them to or we'll do nothing. being touched makes me feel terrified and disgusted. i dont know what to do.