Could an affair make me happier?
I’m a married man in my 40s with kids, a stable family life, and a relationship that still has love, friendship, loyalty and shared purpose. We are good partners in many ways.
What we don’t really have anymore is intimacy.
My wife has always struggled with affection, touch and sexual connection. Over the years it has become more pronounced rather than less. She is likely somewhere on the autism spectrum and tends to avoid emotionally difficult conversations. Her approach has mostly become “don’t ask, don’t tell” around this part of our relationship.
We have built a life together neither of us wants to destroy. There has been no big betrayal or hatred between us. But there is also very little physical intimacy, emotional vulnerability, or feeling desired.
Ironically, she has had a couple of emotional affairs over the years. Nothing heavily physical, more emotional escape and validation. What struck me recently was realising she had quietly assumed I probably had affairs too, and seemed more concerned about appearances, stability and not knowing details than the idea itself.
For a long time I ignored my own needs and convinced myself I could just live without this part of life. I’m realising now that I probably can’t.
I’m not looking for random hookups or escorts. I’m much more drawn to emotional and intellectual connection than purely physical attraction. I also have a public professional profile and family responsibilities, so discretion matters enormously.
I think what I’m really wondering is whether anyone else has navigated this kind of situation without destroying their marriage, family or mental health.
How did you approach it?
Did opening things quietly help, or just create more complexity?
And if you were someone who had been emotionally starved for a long time, how did you avoid becoming overly attached the moment someone genuinely desired you again?