u/Effective_Coyote7134

When I was younger I had a friend who had her own struggles and at that time I wasn’t going through that much until the day she told me she wanted to sneak out to meet this guy. I didn’t really want to because I know how dangerous and stupid that is but I guess I was also curious and was interested in meeting new ppl. He was an older guy but I guess I never thought much of it at the time because it was just our first time hanging out . It was going decent at first until he brought me to his bedroom and that was the day that something in my brain switched. I started sneaking out more because I guess the thrill and the feeling of being in control was just so good I couldn’t stop. It caused a lot of bad things to happen to me and after the thrill is over I’m left with nothing but disgust and regret. I haven’t snuck out in awhile but I still talk to older guys cause idk guys my age aren’t interested in me and with older guys it just feels different yk? I don’t really like talking about this because I know it must be hard for others to understand and it’s embarrassing. I’m just tired of all this just and it’s all because a guy couldn’t help himself.

I’m not really sure if my assaults are even considered as rape. At 14 I was raped by an older guy due to me sneaking out, I didn’t do much to really stop him because I didn’t really know what exactly to do since this was the first time anything like that had happened. I told him it hurt and kinda pushed him away but he told me to be quiet so I just closed my eyes and tried to imagine a place that brings me comfort . After that I don’t know why but I kept sneaking out with older guys and I don’t know what I expected but of course , it always ended the same. But the thing is it’s just like I keep allowing it to happen because I’m afraid to just say no and I keep putting myself in these situations by sneaking out but I really don’t realize the danger until everything’s over, I struggle with bpd and one of my main struggles with that is impulsive decisions. I guess I’m tired of being the girl that just lays in that cold bed , underneath a man and just wondering , “why does this have to keep happening, will it ever stop if I can’t even help myself?”

I know most people wouldn’t be able to understand so i don’t really talk about the things ive been through , not even to my therapist. I mean how do you tell someone you’ve been raped multiple times without worrying what they’re thinking. It sounds unbelievable, I mean a lot people wouldn’t even believe if I were just raped once but really, they have no idea what happened to me those nights. Yeah I was stupid and reckless but I never wanted what happened to happen. Maybe it is my fault for putting myself in those situations and not trying harder to stop them and sometimes letting it continue but the only reason for that was because I guess it started to become something that kept happening to me so much that it became normal. I’m so scared of everything now and every night as I lay my head on my pillow and close my eyes , all I can remember is laying in those beds with my eyes closed and wishing to be home.