u/Effective_Rhubarb564

don’t get me wrong it’s also this stupid ass lame ass fucking dumb ass mullet that makes me look like a lesbian ( getting rid of this shit THIS WEEK at least I can’t take it anymore. fuck whoever talked me into this I just look like a masc woman now and it’s demoralizing) ( there is nothing wrong with looking like that but IM NOT ONE I’m not a woman I’m not attached to lesbianism)

but I guess being nice to people in public also gets you misgendered? is being nice to people something women only do? do I have to be a fucking asshole to be seen as male I don’t fucking get it. I’ll still be nice people because I’m not a twat but being in public is straight up a humiliation ritual for me at this point

I’m just so tired of my masculinity being censored what fucking woman has a mustache oh my fucking god lol I need hrt NOW!!!!!! IM TIRED OF YHIS SHIT.

I go to school Get misgendered all day my family fucking does it to AT LEAST for a long time strangers never did but nope! whatever I guess. can’t even have that.

like yes bro call me Mrs while I’m helping a random person yessss because I definitely look like a fuckign woman yassss feminism slay women with a mustache 🥺🥺🥺🥺 suck my fucking dick I swear to god they can smell on you that you’re a tranny And they do it to piss you off on purpose

om sorry if I’m being insensitive obviously I am a feminist and I get women can look any way but . Oh my god. if I do all this just to get she/heredI should just go fem so Im not fucking CONSTANTLY stared at. There’s honest to god not enough words in the English language to describe how deeply demoralizing and dehumanizing it feels to be a non passing trans person. Just god fucking dammit bro I gotta keep going I can start hrt soon but shit like this just makes me so mad and upset. Because I used to pass to strangers but now I don’t.

and it’s cus of this dumbass cut like before I dodnt get gendered at all now it’s either MRS MA’AM SHE HER LESBIAN! or people being like IS THAT A BOY OR A GIRL? OH ITS A GIRL ZOMG SLAY!

at least I can get rid of this god awful hair cut soon, I’ll explore my style once I look consistently male ( also I have a stache cus I’m intersex, no, it doesn’t help me pass. cus I’m too goddamn short for it to matter) I honestly like my cut idk why I’m calling it shit, but if it makes me look like a girl then I don’t want it lol.

I’m just venting sorry cus if I don’t rage about this now I’m gonna rage on the clock and I can’t do that lol. I also can’t really rage with friends because they’ll hug box me and say I pass. Ok but I literally don’t because if I did I wouldn’t get misgendered😭 that’s. That’s kinda how that works yknow. And idc if I look masc for a woman either cus that ain’t my goddamn goal.

I kinda wanna put myself out there again, but not really anything serious I just want a confidence boost lol about 2 years ago, I used a dating app for the first time, and I got tons of attention

i used Taimi, and I’ll probably download it again just in case it someone actually cool is on there lol. but as the title says yeah no in my area calling Taimi a ‘queer dating app’ is just spreading misinfo imo lol. they don’t care about boundaries either because I’d put in full caps that if a man messages me I’m blocking him, also misgendered me too of course 🫩bi polyamorous folks are fucking awesome otherwise but these people suck ass bro and drive me crazy whenever I use it. like it honestly got to me mental health when I was like. 18 and first using them.

i also pass a lot more since last time, I wanna find women with fluid attraction.. and at the time I also used HER and I had the most results on there. keep in mind I’m not taking this seriously I wasnt even making first moves they just came to me lol. I also presented as a butch Woman on that app at the time though, because I was also experimenting to see what would get most results. I didn’t personally identity as such at all I was just curious

i dont wanna do that again though, cus I’m very much not sapphic.. would it be ok for someone like me to even be on the app if that’s the case?

im not gonna be offended if lesbians like my profile cus.. duh its LITERALLY for them and not everyone reads bios. But like would it be weird if i went on there and was like, ‘hey I don’t wanna use Taimi bcus it’s trash, I’m enby tmasc and looking for bi or pan women’ like not that EXACTLY but would it be offensive or wrong for me to be on there? I don’t wanna seem like I’m ’intruding‘ in a space that doesnt belong to me. its just that Taimi is genuinely unusable for me 😭 if it wasn’t I would just stay on there.

just, if i WERE to take it serisouly I feel like I could actually find at least a buddy on HER, taimi.. not so much

other dating apps like lex, hinge, are either dead or not enough queer people on there for it to matter. Keep in mind I’m in a red Appalachian area. so that’s why it’s between Taimi or HER ( also my most results)

i just really don’t wanna do anything rude like I’ll stick to taimi, and again I get it’s a sapphic dating app I’m not gonna get offended if people misgender me or see me as a woman ill just block if needed be. but, I get bi and pan women on there are yknow.. looking for that kinda relationship 😭 I just feel like I’m still false advertising and that it isn’t ok

but I’ve also heard of trans men and mascs using her so im just wondering what people have to say

i have a few examples of this: people who clearly see me as a woman but don’t wanna lose woke points so they unironically refer to me as an ‘afab’ and a ‘non biological male’ ( I’m intersex so have fun with that lol) obviously I know they see me as a woman but there’s really no reason to argue imo until I pass. only then will they take me seriously

another example i have of this is some dude the other day on here got pissed at me for posting a vent and basically said my dysphoria is a skill issue and that I’m not a ‘real queer’ because.. I don’t wanna be with lesbians? because I’m not a woman? nor do I consider myself necessarily adjacent to lesbianism. idk man the phrase ‘lesbians can like men’ will forever boggle in my head. funniest shit ever. ( yes i understand tmasc and tboy lesbians im not dissing them. I’m just saying the statement alone is deeply hilarious. I just think its funny they where rude as fuck while saying nonsense like that. like I’m not sorry u can’t convince me im a bad person because im not sapphic dude lol)

like they called me a ‘female man‘ and shit like I genuinely couldn’t tell if this was a terf troll or someone just really chronically online 😭 nothing about my post was trying to shit on tmasc lesbians like I honest to god just feel bad for them really because they seem to lack basic reading comprehension and lash out at things.

in general, I just don’t really vibe with the idea as a whole that some people seem to have that’s like ‘gender isn’t real and it’s all just vibes lol’ like.. ok if that was true why have I never seen a man who looks like me? why do I have dysphoria then if it’s all just vibes? like I’m nonbinary but even I get people can feel gender intensely and that’s not going away. but I notice folks like this ONLY ever heckle trans people they never go after a cis woman for liking pink or a cis dude for liking sports.

my point is though, what I’m trying to say is.. how is any of this fundamentally different from what conservatives say to me? like it sounds like some shit my dad would say to me lol I just struggle to figure out how this is supposed to be progressive I guess? I think it’s called crabshoe theory but I may be wrong. I just wanted to complain especially being told I’m apparently not queer because I’m not a lesbian lol.

like I’ve had TERFs especially constantly refer to me as female and shit and idk I struggle to comprehend how it’s apparently ok for a trans person to do that suddenly just cus they added an asterisk like “but you can still call yourself a guy or a man! But you’ll always be female and you have to accept that’s how people will be attracted to you!’

like, sure dude, I guess being called every lgbt slur under the sun since I was a child due to things I didnt even ask for, every other day someone loudly screaming in my vicinity ‘is that a boy or a girl?’ being the only person like me in a room usually.. nope you heard it guys some nerd on Reddit who’s apparently the ceo of queerness has something to say lol

and it’s just, ok if words dont mean anything and labels don’t matter then.. what’s wrong with me being trans the way I am? I’m just trying to be a boring schlubby dude(ish) thing, If none of it matters, what’s so wrong about me being The way I am? That’s how a spectrum works, correct? Some people fall under more extremes than others?

also if this post is offensive or rude in any way I will take it down, I just wonder if anyone has any interesting things to say or relatable experiences. I just feel like with trans people especially people like the IDEA of supporting us cus it’s cool or edgy or they find us hot but god forbid u don’t fit their cookie cutter mold

but also i wanna say one more thing, ( sorry i edit my posts A LOT because i really wanna address all points ) i do get at the end of the day this is usually done in good faith. but, i dont know, it still sucks. j don’t think it’s some egregious crime against humanity but its difficult because it’s hard figuring out how to approach these kinda situations I think

I’m sorry, I’m just feeling really insecure and upset about this. and I wanna specify I have nothing against lesbian or sapphic relationships

I just don’t wanna be in one. someone I knew recently who was into me is wondering if they’re a lesbian instead of bi, and I very much support them regardless, but it kinda killed any attraction I could’ve had to them. it makes me upset honestly that I’m apparently not male enough for someone to be into me and still consider themselves bisexual instead of lesbian. I think they knew this bothered me because I explained it as, I don’t wanna be someones exception, I don’t want them to lie to me via using progressive language to try to win me over. if someone is exclusively into women they can go find a woman and leave me alone.

I am aware that in more progressive areas that lesbian can have an expansive meaning but.. idk it still makes me ( personally) insecure because even with all the reasonings, I just still can’t scratch it in the back of my head that it’s like. oh. I’m always gonna be female first. if someone is gonna be into me it’s because they see me as either a masc woman or adjacent enough to it they just have to ‘win me over’ by using certain language.

to be frank, yes I support these subcultures, but they exist like 1000+ miles away from me and to be completely honest even if they existed near me I’d still feel insecure and upset. idk it just makes me really upset that people consider being attracted to me the same as being into a tomboy. do people who consider being into me the same as being into men even exist?

idk nothing against this person ( completely random person) but what they said pissed me off, they said that me going on t would make me be less insecure and more open to being with lesbians and im just. no? the lesbians in my area besides this one are barely into me. like why would it work like that? if i went on t they would be even less into me. I’m not a woman nor am I adjacent to it. I just wanna fucking run away from it. I don’t want to be seen as a Spicy Crazy Queer ‘Afab’ anymore.

I hate to be melodramatic, but I almost feel.. doomed? I guess? everything and anything I do will always be seen as innately female. me having short hair isn’t just a dude with a mullet. no, instead it’s I’m a Lesbian Woman Making A Radical Political Statemen. I get misgendered all day at beauty School, I get misgendered by my family, even a couple of my friends definitely see me as a woman or an ‘Afab’ as They put it and it’s just.

my life just feels like a huge humiliation ritual. someone I am close to told me I look like a meemaw, a older butch lesbian woman and it just keeps repeating jn my head I know that person sees me as a woman so why the fuck do I keep punishing myself this way? I’m doomed to be female forever, there is no escaping this hell. there is no amount of hrt or surgeries that could fix me. even if I passed 100 percent peole still expect me to be with people who are predominantly into women.

i was doomed since the beginning. it’s like I was told my whole life being a woman is a very narrow experience and I didnt belong. the moment I fucking agree all of a sudden it’s ’but woman can want a penis and be into women and go on testosterone and get top surgery and blah blah blah’ ok but i don’t want to be a fucking woman. im glad all these things are true but makes transitioning pretty pointless in my eyes if im still seen the same as a woman? is this the fucking point?

why am I even trying to pass if i just look like a lesbian while doing it. what the fuck. truly, from the bottom of my heart I know I should just detrans and learn to be a feminine woman. I can’t escape this hell, the only people that could be into are only into women anyways so why am I trying? but I’m also fucking intersex so I can’t be feminine either. but what’s the point of all this shit just for everyone to see me as a butch lesbian or adjacent so such a thing.

hell at my school there’s this girl who I think is into me, she’s only ever been with men. and it makes me so frustrated, I don’t wanna be an ‘experiment‘ I don’t wanna tell her I’m trans I hope she just gets bored and stops flirting with me. I even told people at my school I’m a lesbian because to cishets and most of society there isn’t a difference anyways and I’d rather be known as a lesbian than trans.

just, idk can I get over this? I don’t ever think it’s just dysphoria anymore, I feel genuinely broken. I get so upset thinking about this shit so I just get high or drunk about it to stop the thoughts but they just come back worse and worse. and I’m really so sorry if I seem hateful.

just. I don’t wanna be seen as female first. I’m so fucking tired of it. but I can’t be a feminine woman either I don’t know how. I think I would die. but I do just kinda wanna die to be completely honest. my family will never accept me, I’m never gonna experience romantic love without feeling resentment. I have agoraphobia and I’m also a misanthrope I just hate and dislike people so much. I hate that I fucking have to go back to school tomorrow and get misgendered all day. I’m not suicidal in the sense I wanna die, but if there was euthanization centers that could quietly put me down I would.

I think all I have at this point, besides weed, is that there has to be more lives after this, right? maybe in my next life I’ll be male.

it just feels like being transgender isn’t enough, because does anyone actually see transmascs and tomboys as different from Each other? Why can’t my brain just accept we are in a female body and get over it? I hate it so much all the petnames, all the insinuation from others that I’m innately feminine. but there is literally not one thing I can say I like about being ‘female‘ my body feels robbed and poisoned. Yet it’s what people want from me, it’s how theyre attracted to me. What’s the point of going on hrt and surgeries if I’ll probably always stand out anyways? I’ll always be 4’11 and literally people alwaus fucking point it out

it just feels like I have no one to turn to about this. Is there really any way outta this outside of death or drug abuse? Maybe I’m writing off hrt too quickly, maybe it’ll make a difference. Maybe passing more would make me feel better. I already do pass but not enough. but it doesn’t feel enough. i don’t even think I’m trans really cus it seems like most transmascs and trans men I’ve seen are happy to be with lesbians or straight men or bi people predominantly into women, are they also like me? Like the fact it bothers me so much it must mean I’m just like, actually broken or somethin, right?

god I just feel so selfish for this, some people go their whole lives without people being attracted to them or wanting them. I don’t think romance is the end of the world even. But I will never experience it as long as my brain is like this.

im not mad at other people, I very much wanna clarify why would i be mad at others? It’s not anyones fault, its not my fault I don’t think bht maybe it is. I know I need to see a therapist but I don’t have money for that. I’m just feeling so burnt out and wanted to vent somewhere so here we go.

and, once again, I am genuinely really sorry if I said anything rude or invalidating to anyone I’m just talking about myself. I will be ok because I have to keep moving forward but I’m so tired. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and it’ll stop hurting.

just, why does it feel so wrong? my body is like a prison and everyone admirers the architecture that quite literally imprisons me.

can anyone here at least tell me there aren’t seen as female first? That they just live their life like a dudes? Is it actually possible? Will passing make people who otherwise see you as a woman start to view you differently?

i hate to say it but I’ve almost gotten to the point that I have a hard time taking my own transness serisouly, i cant help but just seem myself as a delusional female that needs to learn how to accept herself. But god I can’t find one good thing about being a woman, I’m not even seen as a woman or a man anymore. just some third sexed being who you can do whatever you want to. I can’t even just cop out and detrans and give up because id basically have to get lazer hair removal because of all my body hair + learn how to use makeup and I don’t wanna do either. but god being seen as a masc woman is just straight up humiliating i cant find one thing to like about it.

and I wanna specify one more time there is nothing wrong with any of the groups of people ive mentioned but. Im sincerely asking this, in good faith, is there just something wrong with me not wanting to be a butch lesbian? Is it wrong of me that I wanna be a hetero man instead and have a girlfriend who sees me as such? I’m enby so it’s a little more complex than that, but also not. Am I bigoted or somethin? i genuinely don’t wanna be hateful. but why does it feel so bad and why does it make me feel like shit?

am I just being caught in a spiral? how do I get out of it? I think writing all this down has already weighed off a lot off my shoulder, and if I’m being an ass PLEASE call me out I can take critique I promise but idk this is a lot just. Be kind to me at least. I’m not asking for ass kissings just kindness

I’m thankfully not as screwed as you would think, because i go to barbers school, I can get it changed whenever I want. I’m gonna let it grow out for about a month and see what I wanna do but I may do sooner if I get one more fucking comment on it I swear to fucking god.

I knew I fucked up getting a mullet idk why I let anyone talk me into thinking that’s a good idea. I like the cut, but there’s either clearly something feminine or at the very least queer ( and therefore, feminine on me) before I just had regular short hair and didn’t get gendered at all. now everyone and their mom seems to have a goddamn opinion of my hair and or me.

first of all, it’s gotten me harassed as a grocery store i go to, then one of my teachers at my school was talking about how she ’hated it’, that same day a man told me to ‘make it a pink mohawk instead‘ and that I’m ‘brave for having this cut’ ????? holy shit piss off

then, when I turned 21 a couple of days ago while I was trying to buy some shit at a store, these two girls where like ‘I love people like that fr is that a boy or a girl’ WELL I DONT FUCKING LIKE YOU PISS OFF

today I got she/hered for the first time in months by a stranger, a fast food employee, and while I was waiting in line these two dudes behind me where like ‘I wish she’d dye her hair blue instead’

holy fucking shit I’m actually about to snap. Why is everyone all of a sudden acting like they’re inbred? How would you fucking like if if someone talked about you right in front of them? you wouldn’t fucking like it either would you? Idc if they mean it in a positive way, why the fuck would I even bother transitioning just to look like a queer woman? I may as well just detrans and learn how to be feminine and just be a queer woman like that instead so all of the harassment fucking quits.

like, are these people trying to rage bait me or something? Do they wanna offend me so they can laugh at me? Do they wanna start a conversation with me? Why can’t they just come up to me and compliment me or whatever instead of acting like literal toddlers? Cus I’m NOT fucking going out of my way to start a conversation with you can come up to me and interact with me like how we learned in literal fucking pre k. seriously if someone can answer why this is happening I’d really appreciate it because I feel like I’m being gas lit on how basic social manners work.

but no bro I show other people my id on my birthday and they were like ‘I thought you were a man 😨’ WHICH FUCKING IS IT it actually makes me so mad bro because when I just put a little mascara hair on my mustache I pass. Which I understand this is all extremely privileged for someone pre t to be able to experience to be frank. I also live in a red area with not many butch or masc women but fuuuuuck I can’t just show up to school with a whole mustache

I decided to just lie to people and say I’m a lesbian becaude like. its all the same to cishets if u don’t consistently pass anyways I’d rather be known as the dyke then the tranny But fuck bro idc even getting misgendered at the school but out and about is absolutely soul crusbing cus it hasn’t happened in so long

it also pisses me off the most for my hair to be treated like I’m trying to make some fucking political statement. I’m not fucking ‘brave’ for having short hair but you’re brave as hell for opening your shit ass fucking mouth around me, how about you suck my fucking dick instead of being like ‘omg you’re such a brave lesbians female homosexual feminist for having your hair that way🥹’ I have a bomb and it’s gonna go off in five minutes

i wanna clarify there is nothing wrong with being a masc or queer woman I’m just. I’m not. it makes me feel like fuckign shit to be seen that way. I’m also a feminist because I have a functioning brain LMAO but I’m not like. dedicating my life to it dude.

I’m gonna at least hit up a gay bar around here before I get this shit changed to see how they react cus I’m curious but oh my god bruhhhhhhhhh this is actually my worst nightmare I fucking hate standing out i hate being seen as a walking political statement. god it feels like my life sometimes is just one giant humiliation ritual fr fr

I feel pathetic af posting this, I’m about to smoke a bowl, I’m basically asking for validation, ok? I’ve been getting misgendered so much and it’s really getting to me.

i just. I don’t know. I want to remind myself that im me. that my actions and choices do matter. that I’m not ‘doomed’ to be female forever. I was originally gonna just post a mopey vent but honestly? those don’t make me feel better, if anything I stew in misery. so, I don’t know. I’m just gonna talk about myself and try to ground myself.

my names Em, I’m gonna be 21 tomorrow, yes I’m going out and drinking lol. Im more excited about weed though, I’m a huge stoner. I use he/him, they/them, and it/its pronouns. I’m sadly still pre t but I’ve speculated if I have PCOS or not, I’m really hairy and can pass even without hrt.

its hard to label my gender and sexuality, because I really don’t like labels. I want to socially pass as a man because it’s just easier due to the area I live in. I think I would call myself transmasc nonbinary + hetero(?). Ive liked and have been attracted to women my whole life, but feel very disconnected and dysphoric about calling my attraction ‘lesbian’. It feels like I have to chose so between the two I would rather call myself a straight man.

im autistic, and struggle with black and white thinking, so I think this includes my gender for me. I have started barber school and I just find I don’t really relate to the men in here. I was originally in a different program but I couldn’t relate to the women either. I find it easier to get along with women then men though, but this doesn’t make me dysphoric surprisingly. because my dad is the same way and dudes a ex marine lol. he tells me he just couldn’t make friends with men his whole life and he’s hetero + masculine too.

I say im nonbinary, or gender ambivalent because overall I’m just not attached to the idea of being a man or a woman. I just know I’m masculine, and I really hate being seen as a masc or queer woman, and I’d rather just be seen as a guy. But internally I don’t really care. I really hope in my life time there is a socially acceptable way to be nonbinary and public about it without being the laughing stock. I feel internally genderless but on the outside I perform, does that make sense? I especially like it/it’s because of the dehumanization aspect.

I am attempting to learn how to socialize more as a man though, and it’s been fun. I am sadly closeted by choice but I really don’t care, I have noticed sadly it’s better to pass off as a butch lesbian in my experience because they’ll actually treat me like a dude and I just have to stomach she/her pronouns. Whilst coming out as a trans makes me the most ’feminine‘ in the room in their eyes.

I have loved Pokemon my whole life, after I post this I’m gonna play some Pokemon champions. it helped me be able to express my gender at a small age, like choosing the male avatars instead. something in me just felt right when I played explorers of sky as a kid, my favorite pokemon at the time was lucario, and its guy only to get riolu.. it felt so good being referred to as he/him.i also love deltarune/undertale, i have been fixtated on it since the new chapters released almost a year ago.

its hard for me to say i have interests because im just. kinda always tired and low energy. I used to draw art but I’ve been burnt out so I’m giving it a break. at some point I want to get an iPad because I think it would help me learn to love it again. I’ve been enjoying barbering and learning how to do it but I wouldn’t say I’m passionate, I just wanna pay my bills.

saying weed is my interest feels weird but.. to be frank this shit saved my life. It’s the only way I can cope with dysphoria without hormones.

I love listening to music, though, I kinda wanna learn how to make my own, but I feel too intimidated I guess. It’s hard to say my absolute favorite music is, but my favorite band of all time is modest mouse. I’d say the genres I listen to most though are nu metal and hip hop.

i consider myself alt, but I feel a bit like a poser, because I really hate sticking out, and Im already forced to because Im visibly queer. I want this to be a positive post but to be frank I really dont get how people are insecure about not looking queer enough. maybe it’s because I’m in a red area, but it’s not really a good experience. I genuienly wouldnt recommend it at all unless if you’re like me and don’t really have a choice. I can’t really pass as a cis woman either because I’m so hairy. i only know how to be masculine, ive never been feminine in my life. peace for me would be hormones + top surgery + passing as cishet.

I only dress alternative if I’m around other people because I don’t want the attention. I really am happy with how I dress though. I dress in lots of plaids, cargos, combat boots, belts, and when I’m alternative it’s the same but black lol. my favorite clothing item is my ballcap, I think it helps me pass the most.

to be frank, I don’t really like being queer, I’m not trying to sympathy farm but I’m a survivor of abuse. for 2 and a half years my mother and half brother. tortured my disabled father + me. we are both safe now away from them, and i never have to talk to either again. bank accounts were drained, money was stolen from me, my childhood memorabilia was sold for drugs.. we we’re both thrown out and had to live in a barn house for a few months. I hate Appalachia but it’s a beautiful place.

she’s a serial cheater who hid it for years. my relationship with my dad isn’t perfect, but i love him but i thank god everyday he is away from these evil fucking people. he suffers from agoraphobia + schizophrenia + ocd and she weaponized it all. because of her I do truly believe that evil people exist.

I would describe myself as Christian because it’s how I grew up, to be frank I have to believe in some type of god, because the idea of something not watching over me scares me I think. throughout my life, the only reason I’ve seemed to escape the brunt of abuse is because of other people. its like they were guardian angels sent out to protect me.

despite being autistic, I have tons of friends, people who have saved my life. I honestly wouldn’t be alive right now if it wasnt for them. there was nights where I was truly convinced my very existence harmed the world. I wouldn’t be here and be able to celebrate my 21st birthday tomorrow. I truly was convinced I would die at 16, and that’s how I would be free from dysphoria and abuse.

but, im here today.

I’ve had my life on the line because of being seen as queer, so it’s hard to derive joy. I am learning just to see it as a neutral aspect. I am happy for others but it’s hard to see it as something good, especially when a lot of tones i struggle to feel I even relate, really. like, I don’t really feel gay when i like women, I just try to copy how cis hetero men here look. I feel like I was amab instead, I would still be nonbinary though. just, I would still use he/they and not consider myself trans?

im sorry if anything I said was rude or poor in tastes. I’m still not entirely sure what my goal is of posting this. maybe I am just trying to farm sympathy idk bro. I guess I just wanna shout in the void that I exist. it just feels like sometimes my entire existence is forever ‘doomed’ to be seen as innately female. my dad is Gen X and he isn’t even ok with me being a lesbian. he seems to think or ( hope) im bisexual at least, but at the same time has told me no one could ever love me or want to be my friend with the way i look lol. so, i wonder what men he thinks could apparently be into me. cus idk how to break it to him the only men who’ve been into me are gay or bi..

he would never accept me as trans, but as long as I don’t say the words ‘ I am transgender’ and ask him to call me anything else, he has told me he is willing to live in ignorance. idk how that’ll work once I start hrt + surgery. but. I dont know. I just see this bond more as a function and me taking care of him at this point. but him specifically he makes my dysphoria so bad because to him somehow everything I do relates back to being female somehow. Like, he’s honestly more obsessed with my gender than me.

just talking about this though kinda makes me feel worse, because all the shit he says just plays through my head and makes me go crazy. So I think I’ll end this here.

so, before I say more I want to clarify, that i am aware t ends up being pretty notice-able, this is why people tend to advice not starting it in ‘secret’ and then trying to hide it.

I just believe there is some context about how my body-works, and how it already looks quite masculine + the people around me may not even notice.

if I do get some eyebrow raises, I wouldnt necessarily mind just quitting and waiting till I move out 🤷 or maybe just stop binding in public. I have a lot of dysphoria but I can cope with it enough, and the worst that happens is my body masculinized a little bit more, because it already slowly does that?

I am not sure what it is, but I seem to have a hormonal imbalance, multiple people in the medical field ( just people I know, not necessarily a doctor. Though I get I probably should go and learn) have said it’s probably PCOS, so I guess we can use that as a fill in for extra context? just, I’m not self diagnosing or anything, but what I’m trying to say is I also do know starting t + pcos will speed up the process.

I am very short, 4’11, but I have a lot of body hair, it’s otherwise very feminine and curvy, I have big ( ish) breasts, especially for my height. i dont know my cup size, but I’ve been binding for a few years anyways, their shape has changed and ’molded’ if that makes sense to be flat. even when I haven’t been binding I’ve been called sir before.

I have a square face shape, a dirt stache, and chin hair. I also have a masculine hair cut. so, I think the best way to describe it: I have a very feminine body, but a lot of body hair ( legs, arms, stomach, facial, etc) but I wear clothing to hide it, but even then clothes can only do so much? but, I don’t think people are paying that much attention to me. but my face is very masculine, my voice is also deep, I’ve always just naturally spoke from my chest LOL. I have also learned to have male body language, crossing arms, man spreading.

i don’t want to say ‘I act like a man’ because that’s just. weird, men can be any way, women can be any way, I REALLY am not trying to say something shitty here, but yknow what I’m saying? it’s just more easier for me, and it helps me blend in a bit I think.

I wear what other men wear in my area, mens jeans/cargos, plain t shirts ( occasionally graphic, but not a lot), polos, boots or vans, plaids. when I wear shorts I especially get gendered as male due to my leg hair.

but, when I’m feeling more bold.. I like to dress alternative, I feel as if I’m a ‘poser’ though, because I kinda am insecure about standing out, I really don’t like it. i dress that way anyways, and I’ve been used to standing out for years due to being masculine..but only if I’m with a group of people, because I feel like if I’m with other people then even if someone has an issue with it, they’ll just piss off. I dress alternative + masculine though, I wear more black, black graphic ts, spikes, chains, plaids ( my black one usually) i think i get gendered more as A woman though, because this clothing in my area is probably considered more queer, and since I’m on a 50/50 cusp here that may lean more towards woman.

I kinda already due, because I am visibly queer. even when people have assumed I’m a guy, they though I was a gay man. which, I don’t mind at all, but I’m not into guys..

someone I know has said I look like a ‘pretty boy now’ since my hormonal condition kicked in, which I’m not exactly sure what that means, I mean I’ve watched some shows/movies where someone gets called ‘pretty boy’ in a rude context, I think it’s just a man who looks kinda pretty? I know it’s VERY vague and people probably mean something more positive and vague as of now. I know that person meant it in a good context, I think I kinda fuck with it honestly. I’m just trying to describe my appearance without showing a photo of myself becuz I don’t wanna do that 😭 there’s creeps on here hell no..

but, I also get I probably more or less look like a lesbian. which, isn’t a bad thing, but not really my thing, but due to my area it’s probably harder to tell.

I also live in a red area, I think this is the only reason I even can pass. there really isn’t a lot of other trans or gnc people here, I’m not saying NO ONE here isn’t, but I kinda tend to be the only one I know. so, what I’m trying to say is people don’t tend to know what a butch lesbian for instance could look like, so then I just end up being seen as a guy.

when people don’t know me, I don’t get gendered at all, but recently the few times I’ve had it’s been ‘sir’.

even in situations where I’ve tried to pass off as female, and use my feminine birth name, like at my beauty/barber school, I’ve had people use he/him for me. like, even someone who knows me and isn’t just guessing. I also bind though, if I stopped binding I would have a visible chest and that probably would help. I don’t really ever wanna do this, but I am not sure of the reaction that may cause.. I think pcos could work though? That’ll be my most common answer throughout this post if someone asks about it LOL

with all this in mind, what I’m trying to say, is, I think if I low dosed on t for a bit, i could maybe get away with it for a bit? I’m not out as trans at school, but I really wanted people to just think I’m a lesbian instead, because i assume with the state of everything being seen as trans seems really scary right now, and when I was younger, I was a out trans kid who didn’t pass at all and it really sucked.. I was seen as a quirky teen girl who used he/him pronouns, if I’m gonna be seen as a woman, id rather them just think I’m a masc lesbian woman.

i am also just very talkative, and like chatting with people, so when it does inevitably come up, like idk dating i just say im a lesbian.. it’s not. really my favorite thing, but I’m neutral on it. I have ways to cope with dysphoria so it doesnt really bother me. idk i just wanna be closeted at school.. and once I pass, whenever I start working somewhere I just present as a guy. I don’t like the idea of people knowing or thinking I’m trans.

my dad.. he wouldn’t like it if I started hrt, but ultimately, as long as I don’t ever ask him to stop calling me female terminology, I think he’ll also just keep thinking I’m a lesbian. I never told him, but that’s what he thinks.

dont take this the wrong way.. but he’s just always in his own world, he doesn’t really notice small changes, he is stoned 24/7 basically. which, again, I think low dosing t may be just that, he’s high most the time, and.. again I think his ’issue’ would be more or less if I officially say the words ‘I am transgender’ as long as he can still call me his daughter, she/her, etc I don’t think he would care, and I could also just use the pcos excuse. it’s also not my favorite thing ever, but I’ve accepted it is what it is.

he is Gen X and I think how he thinks about gayness or transness is just what he’s gonna think about it. we have come to the conclusion we will have a bond, but to ignore my sexuality/gender, that I don’t wish to talk about it, but that I only date women and I dress masculine and that’s final. that I don’t want anymore comments on my appearance or becoming more feminine and’normal’.

he also thought I was doing ‘testosterone as a drug’ in highschool, because to be frank, as I’ve stated, he isn’t good at paying attention to things, I have been hairy since I was 12 years old. He used to be very Fox News crazy, but hes very much calmed down, and a lot better about queerness since then. But he’s not really good, but an improvement is all I could ask for. but, what I’m saying is I think he very well may think this? but doesn’t seem to care anymore? so, even if I did just straight up tell him he wouldn’t care.

to be blunt, I don’t even think he would notice or care if I got top surgery. or would chose not to comment on it to hold the peace, or, again I could say pcos in reference to t

once I finish schooling, I want to continue to live with him for a few years, and let my income build up, it is dirt cheap to live here, so I could accumulate cash fast. I have options if I wanna move out sooner, and I sincerely doubt even if the absolute worst happens ( found out I’m on t) he wouldnt throw me out. if I could do this, and especially if I combine income with a friend or some shit, I probably could be lower middle class, I’m tired of being poor, it fucking sucks.

just… thoughts? ultimately, once I get income I think I will just start t anyways and take the risks, I just wanna pass more consistently and have a masculine body. i understand my physique won’t change for likely even 5+ years if I’m doing low dose. but, I could always start working out again. and I think clothing does most the job. but I really want the effects of t. especially bottom growth and body hair. I think having even more body hair would help me hate my body less. I also don’t think it would even take that long for me to start passing..

I also know clinic I don’t even need to go to therapy for, so it would be really easy too. I also don’t wanna keep waiting.. I’ve wanted this since I was 12 years old.