Need perspective because I’m genuinely sad and confused
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I (34F) became really close to a guy friend over time. We were never officially together, but we became emotionally very close and at one point physically involved too.
I invested a lot into this friendship emotionally, financially, and time-wise because I genuinely cared about him and wanted to see him do well in life. I’m naturally someone who supports people I care about, so over time I helped him in different ways, including helping financially when he needed it (trip expenses, helping him out, even contributing towards things like class fees when he was struggling). I never did it expecting anything back or thinking anyone owed me.
Earlier this year he visited and I later found out that his ex (who he had told me was basically no longer in the picture) was also around and he had hidden that from me. That really hurt because suddenly I started questioning everything why he came, whether I mattered as a friend, whether I was being used emotionally, or whether I had misunderstood the closeness between us. We got physically close during the trip and I was told that girl was someone he was casually with , but he still had her on his socials.
We spoke about it for days. He apologized and said he didn’t want to lose me and wanted me in his life.
I tried to move past it.
But later I found out more things that didn’t add up again and started feeling like there were more lies. At the same time, whenever I genuinely needed emotional support and tried reaching out, I started feeling ignored or dismissed. One time I called while upset and got told he was busy with clients and asked if I was crazy for calling and I called him only 2 times. That embarrassed me more than made me angry.
I was upset because I felt like I had been showing up at one level emotionally and receiving something very different back.
What confuses me is this: someone can say they appreciate you, don’t want to lose you, accept your support, time, money, care and still make you feel emotionally unsafe and unimportant.
Now I’ve stepped back and said goodbye.
I’m sad because I feel like I lost what could have been a really good friendship, not because I wanted romance.
Am I expecting too much from a close friendship? Or did I stay too long because I kept hoping someone would eventually care the way I cared?