Does anyone else feel completely trapped between quitting and keeping going?
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can do this.
I keep going back and forth in my head all day. Like okay, maybe I should stop. I’m exhausted. I don’t want to do another session. Then the next thought is, no, just keep going a little longer. And then I’m pumping again anyway.
It feels like I’m always waiting for the next session. I’ll finish one and think okay, I have some time now, and then somehow I’m checking the clock again.
Last night I finished a session and just sat there looking at all the pump parts in the sink. I was so tired I actually started crying because I did not want to wash them. It was such a stupid little thing but I just couldn't do one more task.
And I feel guilty because there are days when I’m proud of myself for keeping up with it, and then there are days where I’m honestly just angry at the whole situation.
I miss having a normal day where I don't have to constantly think about when I need to pump. I miss being able to make plans without doing the mental math first. I’m tired of looking at the clock.
I don't even know what I want right now. I don't know if I want to stop or if I just want a break from thinking about it all the time.
I think I just needed to complain somewhere where people actually understand why this is so exhausting.