u/EfficiencyFull5242

Hey everyone, I need some advice because I’m honestly feeling anxious.
I’m currently 7 months pregnant, and my in laws will be visiting us in the U.S. for the very first time. They’ll arrive about 25 days before my due date. My FIL will stay only for a short period, but my MIL will be staying with us for around three months.

The thing is, I’m not extremely close to my in laws, and over the years I’ve had some experiences that have made me uncomfortable, especially with my FIL.

I’ve noticed a pattern where he puts me in awkward situations or says things just to “test my reaction.”

For example, years ago, I wanted to buy a small property with my own savings. During that discussion, he suggested that I put the property in my name and also add my MIL’s name to it. I was shocked because it would have been my investment with my own money and why would I add my MIL name to it?

Another time, when my husband and I bought a property together, he apparently suggested to my husband alone that he should joke about keeping the property only in his own name just to “see my reaction.” My husband refused and later told me about it.

There have also been comments comparing me to my MIL because she spent most of her life cooking and taking care of everyone. I come from a household where both my parents worked and shared responsibilities, so I’ve never believed that being a good DIL means spending all day in the kitchen. Thankfully, my husband has always supported me and has always stood up for me.

Even recently, during a casual conversation, my FIL joked, “What if your wife throws us out of your house one day?” and then looked at my husband as if he expected a reaction. My husband immediately shut it down and said that I’m family and why I do such a thing and it was in middle of a normal conversation which completely weirded me out!

Individually, these comments may sound small, but when they keep happening, they start making you uncomfortable. It feels like I’m constantly being tested or judged, and I don’t understand why.

My husband and I had a love marriage, and I come from a financially independent and highly educated family. Both of my parents had successful careers, my siblings are doctors and engineers, and my parents invested heavily in my education and career, even sending me to the U.S. for my master’s degree.

So it feels strange when comments are made that indirectly make me feel like I’m after my husband’s money or have some ulterior motive. That’s simply not the environment I come from or the values I was raised with.
What hurts even more is that my husband has always been the one supporting his family whenever there’s a major expense like my SIL’s education, emergencies, or other financial needs. So being judged or viewed with suspicion just because I’m his wife feels unfair and honestly very hurtful!

What makes it harder is that my mother-in-law never corrects him. She either stays silent or defends him, which makes me feel like she agrees with these comments.

Now that they’re coming to stay with us especially with me being heavily pregnant and then entering postpartum. I’m feeling nervous and overwhelmed. I want peace during this phase of my life, not unnecessary stress.

Has anyone dealt with a FIL or in laws who constantly make these kinds of comments or try to provoke reactions? How did you handle it? And how did you protect your peace, especially during pregnancy and postpartum?

I genuinely want to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of dynamic with their MIL, because over the years I’ve started feeling that mine has a quiet sense of jealousy and resentment toward me, even though outwardly she presents herself as extremely sweet, submissive, and caring.

For context, I come from a very outspoken and educated family. The women in my family are highly independent, expressive, and taught to set boundaries. My mother worked as a lecturer, we lived in a nuclear family, and if we disagreed with something, we openly discussed it instead of silently tolerating it.

My husband’s family dynamic is very different. His mother spent most of her life adjusting to a highly controlling household where her own MIL dominated everything and still does. She was expected to sacrifice constantly, prioritize everyone else, and basically revolve her life around the house and family by cooking and cleaning! Initially, I had a lot of sympathy for her because I could see she had gone through a lot emotionally.

But after marriage, I slowly started noticing manipulative patterns directed toward me.

One major issue started when there were indirect expectations for me to become the “ideal daughter-in-law” who cooks elaborate meals for the entire family multiple times a day during my visit to India. I respectfully explained that I’m happy to help, but I’ve never been someone who spends all day cooking, and even in my own marriage abroad, my husband and I share responsibilities equally. Instead of openly discussing it, I started noticing indirect taunts and comparisons with my mother-in-law done by my FIL, as if I was somehow lacking because I didn’t fit into that traditional role.

At one point, my FIL even sat my husband down and compared me to his mother, saying things like, “Your mom would always take care of everyone and cook when someone was sick.” Thankfully, my husband completely shut it down and defended me, saying they had no right to judge our relationship or assume I don’t care for him just because I don’t want to spend my life in the kitchen.

Over time, I also noticed that my MIL rarely says things directly. Instead, she subtly feeds things to my FIL, who then becomes the one making comments.

Another example was when I was temporarily between jobs while applying for a new one. During a visa discussion, my father-in-law repeatedly asked my husband, “What if they ask what your wife does? Should I say she’s a housewife?” He kept emphasizing the word “housewife” multiple times despite knowing I was actively job searching and highly educated. It honestly felt less like concern and more like an attempt to reduce my identity to fit a narrative they were comfortable with to show I’m equivalent to my MIL!

There have been many smaller incidents too passive aggressive comments about me sleeping later during pregnancy, subtle competitiveness, unnecessary lectures, and weird comments that reveal underlying insecurity despite constantly claiming “boys and girls are equal” or “we don’t differentiate.”

The strange part is that she doesn’t behave this way with her own daughter, who also lives abroad and also has a modern lifestyle. That’s why sometimes I feel this isn’t really about values, it’s more about seeing another woman live with freedoms and boundaries she herself never had.

At this point, I’ve emotionally distanced myself because every interaction feels emotionally draining. I keep things respectful, but I no longer share much personally with her.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of subtle competitiveness or hidden resentment from a MIL who outwardly appears very sweet and harmless?

I genuinely want to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of dynamic with their MIL, because over the years I’ve started feeling that mine has a quiet sense of jealousy and resentment toward me, even though outwardly she presents herself as extremely sweet, submissive, and caring.

For context, I come from a very outspoken and educated family. The women in my family are highly independent, expressive, and taught to set boundaries. My mother worked as a lecturer, we lived in a nuclear family, and if we disagreed with something, we openly discussed it instead of silently tolerating it.

My husband’s family dynamic is very different. His mother spent most of her life adjusting to a highly controlling household where her own MIL dominated everything and still does. She was expected to sacrifice constantly, prioritize everyone else, and basically revolve her life around the house and family by cooking and cleaning! Initially, I had a lot of sympathy for her because I could see she had gone through a lot emotionally.

But after marriage, I slowly started noticing manipulative patterns directed toward me.

One major issue started when there were indirect expectations for me to become the “ideal daughter-in-law” who cooks elaborate meals for the entire family multiple times a day during my visit to India. I respectfully explained that I’m happy to help, but I’ve never been someone who spends all day cooking, and even in my own marriage abroad, my husband and I share responsibilities equally. Instead of openly discussing it, I started noticing indirect taunts and comparisons with my mother-in-law done by my FIL, as if I was somehow lacking because I didn’t fit into that traditional role.

At one point, my FIL even sat my husband down and compared me to his mother, saying things like, “Your mom would always take care of everyone and cook when someone was sick.” Thankfully, my husband completely shut it down and defended me, saying they had no right to judge our relationship or assume I don’t care for him just because I don’t want to spend my life in the kitchen.

Over time, I also noticed that my MIL rarely says things directly. Instead, she subtly feeds things to my FIL, who then becomes the one making comments.

Another example was when I was temporarily between jobs while applying for a new one. During a visa discussion, my father-in-law repeatedly asked my husband, “What if they ask what your wife does? Should I say she’s a housewife?” He kept emphasizing the word “housewife” multiple times despite knowing I was actively job searching and highly educated. It honestly felt less like concern and more like an attempt to reduce my identity to fit a narrative they were comfortable with to show I’m equivalent to my MIL!

There have been many smaller incidents too passive aggressive comments about me sleeping later during pregnancy, subtle competitiveness, unnecessary lectures, and weird comments that reveal underlying insecurity despite constantly claiming “boys and girls are equal” or “we don’t differentiate.”

The strange part is that she doesn’t behave this way with her own daughter, who also lives abroad and also has a modern lifestyle. That’s why sometimes I feel this isn’t really about values, it’s more about seeing another woman live with freedoms and boundaries she herself never had.

At this point, I’ve emotionally distanced myself because every interaction feels emotionally draining. I keep things respectful, but I no longer share much personally with her.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of subtle competitiveness or hidden resentment from a MIL who outwardly appears very sweet and harmless?