Am I Wrong for Feeling Like My MIL Is Secretly Jealous of Me?
I genuinely want to know if anyone else has experienced this kind of dynamic with their MIL, because over the years I’ve started feeling that mine has a quiet sense of jealousy and resentment toward me, even though outwardly she presents herself as extremely sweet, submissive, and caring.
For context, I come from a very outspoken and educated family. The women in my family are highly independent, expressive, and taught to set boundaries. My mother worked as a lecturer, we lived in a nuclear family, and if we disagreed with something, we openly discussed it instead of silently tolerating it.
My husband’s family dynamic is very different. His mother spent most of her life adjusting to a highly controlling household where her own MIL dominated everything and still does. She was expected to sacrifice constantly, prioritize everyone else, and basically revolve her life around the house and family by cooking and cleaning! Initially, I had a lot of sympathy for her because I could see she had gone through a lot emotionally.
But after marriage, I slowly started noticing manipulative patterns directed toward me.
One major issue started when there were indirect expectations for me to become the “ideal daughter-in-law” who cooks elaborate meals for the entire family multiple times a day during my visit to India. I respectfully explained that I’m happy to help, but I’ve never been someone who spends all day cooking, and even in my own marriage abroad, my husband and I share responsibilities equally. Instead of openly discussing it, I started noticing indirect taunts and comparisons with my mother-in-law done by my FIL, as if I was somehow lacking because I didn’t fit into that traditional role.
At one point, my FIL even sat my husband down and compared me to his mother, saying things like, “Your mom would always take care of everyone and cook when someone was sick.” Thankfully, my husband completely shut it down and defended me, saying they had no right to judge our relationship or assume I don’t care for him just because I don’t want to spend my life in the kitchen.
Over time, I also noticed that my MIL rarely says things directly. Instead, she subtly feeds things to my FIL, who then becomes the one making comments.
Another example was when I was temporarily between jobs while applying for a new one. During a visa discussion, my father-in-law repeatedly asked my husband, “What if they ask what your wife does? Should I say she’s a housewife?” He kept emphasizing the word “housewife” multiple times despite knowing I was actively job searching and highly educated. It honestly felt less like concern and more like an attempt to reduce my identity to fit a narrative they were comfortable with to show I’m equivalent to my MIL!
There have been many smaller incidents too passive aggressive comments about me sleeping later during pregnancy, subtle competitiveness, unnecessary lectures, and weird comments that reveal underlying insecurity despite constantly claiming “boys and girls are equal” or “we don’t differentiate.”
The strange part is that she doesn’t behave this way with her own daughter, who also lives abroad and also has a modern lifestyle. That’s why sometimes I feel this isn’t really about values, it’s more about seeing another woman live with freedoms and boundaries she herself never had.
At this point, I’ve emotionally distanced myself because every interaction feels emotionally draining. I keep things respectful, but I no longer share much personally with her.
Has anyone else experienced this kind of subtle competitiveness or hidden resentment from a MIL who outwardly appears very sweet and harmless?