i feel so disillusioned with life right now
reading back on this im really just too tired to edit it and make it coherent, i have tons of schoolwork to do and my family is gonna come home to me crying and scold me when im not comfortable talking about how im upset about way too many things we cant do anything about. this is just visceral ranting about everything wrong with me and my life. please dont read if you dont want to. im sad and stupid and pathetic and upset with the very structure of life, fish doesnt like water, dunk me in apple juice
i feel stupid for posting something like this, im definitely not the first angsty teenager to feel this way, we probably all do deep down, i think we do, but it really just feels so pointless, im so jealous of people that are happy in this world if its really how i think they feel
im not sure if im neurodivergent or just wasnt properly socialized when i was little, but recently ive realized that ever since i can remember ive been constantly excluded and made fun of to my face by my peers, making it extremely hard for me to make friends and turning me into a pretty defensive and unpleasant person. even if at the moment i didnt recognize it by the exact term of bullying, it had an effect of me, it crushes you
i recently overheard someone saying "shes not ugly i guess but shes weird" and that has been repeating in my mind, no matter how many environments i cycle through, people will think that of me. ((((yes, i shouldnt care, im "perfect"))))no im not, i hate how any advice or attempt to help is just telling me that the issue doesnt exist. it clearly does when i have had less than 5 friendships that lasted a year in my entire life and have everyone treating me like im not even smart enough to understand the human language theyre using to make fun of me, im not even human to them
im extremely lucky to have a group of friends that doesnt treat me like shit and who i really love, but i hate how pretty much all of my relationships now just lack so much closeness. i would never even dream of telling them how i feel because itd make me a burden, no one likes me enough to carry that weight and i cant force anyone to do so, thats not how human connection should be
even if i looked for other people who could give me that, most cant stand me in real life, online too and the people that do would probably groom me or hurt me in another way. i struggled so much to make just a couple of friends who like me, its not so easy
were all busy and tired and its gonna get worse and it will never really end until were too sick and old to not have the conditions for that, im so scared life is just gonna be about being artificially deprived of anything of value to the soul so that its the only thing that feels meaningful at all other than the crappy dopamine bombs capitalism tries to sell you as happiness, i want human connection more than anything but something about me makes it so that im unsettling and weird and scary to others and i dont know how to fix it, i dont know whats missing
some disorders or ways of being can be romanticized if theyre of any benefit to others because we arent really wired to like traits in others that dont help connection, but when you do have those traits, youre selfish, mean, standoffish, unsociable and weird. i have some of those traits and people interpret it as me being malicious or creepy, and i really would do anything to have a name for it even if it doesnt change how people treat me because in a way it would make me feel like the way ive been treated and the constant sadness and anger ive felt all of my life had a biological reason for existing that people can acknowledge
i wont lie and say i dont sabotage myself in trying to connect with others, im also terrified of being vulnerable because ive been taught to feel shame firstmost, im not ever open with my family about how i feel other than when im offended, but still, i hate it, i hate how hard connection is to start and maintain and how stupid we are for ending it for such dumb reasons and i know i would do it too, im not excluded from the we
thinking about my current situation, the reasons for the way that im living could get better, but no matter how many trite beaten dead positive ideas i punch into my head, the trends in this society wont change, we wont get any less absorbed into just trying to stay alive and live tired and bitter, we wont
i dont know
i feel like we lie to ourselves alot because thats the only way that we can live peacefully, maturing to me looks like just twisting yourself all up to make yourself believe that things are something other than what they are, and if it works to keep someone happy thats great but my cynicism is too great to uphold it. my situation has been a sort of pendullum where ive just kept going back and forth from living in that delusion and then feeling that gaping hole come back, i dont see the point in continuing to watch it swing back and forth and feeling mania and despair periodically, its so stupid
ill keep living, i dont doubt that i wont for any reasons within my control, but it makes me wonder if its just because thats the passive result. i wouldnt want my parents to cry over me either i guess
ive already completely distorted my reality before and assumed a fake identity in my head to just get away from all of the mockery and everything shitty in my life and it was terrible, i lost so much time and everything before that period of my life is blurry. i only ever feel ok when i forget about everything and i really dont want escapism to be the only good thing in my life, i atleast want it to be the euphoria of being with people, not shows and books and music and stupid tweets. i want to laugh with my friends always but thats only temporary, everything good is except the stuff that fucks you up, life sucks