7 Months of Freedom. The highs of returning to society and the lows of a recovering nervous system.
Hi all. I'm 7 months (day 213) sober from all substances today.
Lets start with the positives!
I've been back at work as a mail carrier for nearly two months now. The daily structure this brought has been an immense help. The feeling of being a contributing member of society too.
Cognitively I'm doing much better. Even started doing sudoku again, something I really liked as a kid. This makes me hopeful my brain might be healed enough by september to go back to college for a 3 year applied psychology degree.
I tried going out on an online date for a drink two weeks ago. Last weekend I took her on a second date to a local zoo I wanted to visit for a long time.
Even though it was nice to spend time with her I didn't feel the spark or attraction as much as I hoped. Im still not sure if this is just my dopamine system being out of whack or she just really isn't my type. Nevertheless it was nice having the experience and having that second date proving to myself I'm not unlovable and won't die alone as my post acutely withdawing brain tried to convince me for months.
Still those experiences left me completely emotionally and mentally exhausted for days and made me stop a few of my self care routines like a small journalling session in the evening. Because of this I decided to not pursue it for the time being and focus on me.
With that I guess we're transitioning to the "negatives" or at least more challenging parts.
Since going through paws and struggling with dopamine I regained most (if not more) of the weight I lost the first months of my sobriety. Back then all I did in a day was go to the gym. I am clearly trying to find my dopamine from food more and more (my original addiction, back when I was an obese teen). I will say I'm still physically stronger than I've ever been, but the progress is hidden because I'm not as sharp as I was two, three months ago. I'm one month away from turning 30 today and want to use this month to get back into a leaner state.
I still get painful tension in my upper back, between my shoulder blades. (Rhomboide muscles) because I'm still very often hunched forward in a protective stance because of anxiety and generally feeling unsafe. It feels like subconsciously constantly being in 'fight or flight' mode. Doing chest stretches in an opened door creates a bit more space in the upper back and relieves tension, but it still comes back pretty quick. This can be a somatic manifestation of the prolonged stress associated with PAWS.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you cope?
Despite these challenges I'm only becoming more committed to my sobriety and am so thankful to myself for finally taking the plunge.
Choose yourself. It will only get better!
Take care
Q