2 months and counting
I want to start this by saying it does get better. Not in some coherent linear way but in the way that after the dust settles you do get some clarity on what you’ve been through. Nevertheless it is one hell of an ordeal and i still get wrapped up in it every once in a while. I’ve cycled through the stages of grief like a fucking merry go round. Please understand that’s normal. When you don’t get a real mutual ending it’s not strange for your mind to look under every unturned stone. I guess when someone stonewalls you long enough you tend to look to the very things that hurt you for meaning and cohesion.
Please be very cautious of reopening wounds by looking at old chats and pictures. I can’t say I’m not guilty of this very thing but please move with awareness of why exactly you’re doing it. I feel as though sometimes old chats can be helpful as it’s proof of both sides of the coin (the good and the bad). Sometimes it’s good to observe the contrast of their character. To see them clearly after the heightened emotional states have tapered off along with the push and pull. That way the patterns and hooks become clear as day.
Please take care of yourself as hard as that is. As much as I know you gave your all, give some of that love back to yourself. I think you guys have more than earned that.
Something that has helped me a lot is creative outlets like
poetry and music. Really anything you enjoy doing is good though like gym, running, gaming etc. I think preferencing something in which you’re productive might be the most beneficial though as you’ll see the progress you make. Progress is power. I feel as though this makes it pretty important as these kinda situations can make you feel very powerLESS so it makes sense that you have to ADD new habits and systems to counter that deficit.
Also give yourself a lot of grace. There will be days you can’t maintain these new habits. There will be days you’re drowning in the absence of them or those old routines or the memories you made. That’s just how this goes. You’re human after all. Don’t think you’ve failed just because you loved someone deep enough to experience loss. Probably my favourite quote to pair with this experience is from Robin Williams in the film Good Will Hunting which I would highly recommend if you haven’t seen it already. He says, and I quote, ‘You don’t know about real loss, ’cause it only occurs when you’ve loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much.’
I hope that sinks in for you as the character he’s speaking to has avoidant tendencies, specifically fearful avoidance. You’re very brave and courageous for loving someone with such unwavering compassion.
Later in the Monologue Robin Williams’ character says, and I quote, ‘And look at you… I don’t see an intelligent, confident man… I see a cocky, scared shitless kid.’ I’m not quoting this part to give you some kind of superiority complex. I’m just bringing attention to the fact that you saw through their defences. You showed love to the parts of them that struggled to receive it. Don’t you DARE ever let someone convince you that was stupid or irrational. By all means learn and grow from this experience and hold better boundaries and standards for yourself within relational dynamics but don’t you DARE let them harden your heart.
I love you guys <3