u/Eibhlin_Andronicus

Fiance and I are grappling with the registry question. We are fortunate enough to not need gifts (cash or physical). We're fine financially, and have also been together for 10 years, and lived together for 7. We don't really want/need anything. I mean it when I say we are fine with literally zero gifts. We're also sensitive to the fact that 90% of our guests will be traveling in from quite far away, which certainly isn't free. This isn't a major financial burden for most of our friends + my side of the family, but it is a larger expense for his side of the family.

Recognizing that people will still be looking for a registry, we'd like to use the registry to offer guests the option (not expectation) to donate to 1-2 charities we care about. We're both on board with that. Where my fiance and I aren't aligned is whether or not we should also include a honeymoon fund option.

1. I'm leaning towards also including a honeymoon fund option on the registry. My rationale for this is that I just know deep down that my extended family will not "stop" at the charity donation option (and I also think that some of them will be kind of... put-off by it, maybe? like, they'll be fine to donate, but they'll still want to actually gift something). I'm worried that if we don't provide an alternative, they'll just show up with physical gifts, which is a) not something we want/need, and b) not something we're logistically prepared to handle on our wedding day.
2. Partner's concern is that if we present a honeymoon fund option, people will give money to it, even if we don't want or expect that of them. Essentially, he's concerned that people will see the honeymoon option and feel presure (like, societal expectation-type pressure) to give to it, even if we state upfront that no gifts are expected. For this reason he'd rather that option simply not be there at all. Also (and there is truth to this) putting a honeymoon fund in there will likely "water down/lessen" the amount of money that goes towards the charity (because people will choose to give to the honeymoon fund instead).

But as I've been looking into things more, apparently a lack of a registry is often interpreted as a "give cash" request? (I didn't know that) Even though a honeymoon fund is pretty much also just a "give cash" request I do think it feels a bit more like gift giving, in the sense that it's helping fund the couple's experience.

If you were invited to a wedding, went to a registry, and only saw charity options, would you still feel compelled to provide a gift to the couple (physical or money)? If you saw charity options and a honeymoon fund option, would you give to both? Transparently, when I've gone to weddings with both charity + honeymoon fund options, I personally did give to both. But it wasn't because I felt a societal expectation or anything, it's because that's what I wanted to do for the couple.

Separate note: I've only ever been to one other wedding that had a physical registry (but that wedding also had a honeymoon fund, which is what I chose to gift to). All the other weddings I've attended have only had honeymoon, house fund, or charity donation options. I just bring that up because I believe there might be some regional/cultural differences regarding "physical gift" registries vs "fund" registries. My experience as a guest has almost exclusively been the latter.

I think it would be great to have some friends get there early to help me get ready, enjoy mimosas, etc. Wedding is at a botanical garden and we'll probably do couples pics before the wedding, so anyone who gets there early could just kill time/enjoy themselves at the gardens between the "getting ready" time and the "ceremony" time--the venue fee comes with free admission to the garden for everyone.

I'm not opposed to the notion of people standing up there with me during the ceremony in the more traditional "wedding party" sense, but I just don't really feel like I have a strong need for that, and it's certainly not something I ever dreamed of, per se. Plus, a whole wedding party suddenly feels like I'm making things more complicated than they need to be for what will be a pretty casual wedding. (my partner and I have been together for 9 years and I'm in my mid-30s so honestly I'm kinda just "wedding'd out" at this point, if that makes sense)

But I'm also not sure if I'm missing something that would indicate a reason to not take this approach. Like, obviously I could invite 10 people to come hang early, but without the "wedding party" impetus/obligation, many may choose not to come early. And that's totally fine, I'm not trying to set any sort of attendance obligation here. Just thought it would be a way to make the getting ready part a bit more fun without establishing formal "roles." If you've taken this approach, has it worked? How did you communicate this to folks you'd like to ask to arrive early? Is this idea just generally ass?

Note: My partner has also expressed that it would be fun to have people to get ready with, but also that "that's kinda just the whole point of the wedding party, right?" So we're both on the same page regarding thinking that sounds fun. idk if we're both mutually off our rockers, though.