Admission
I'm 38. I've been doing blow since I was in my late teens. Even now I find myself unable to escape. I'm sliding back into bad old habits, buying time with people on of... shameful.
My relationships have suffered under the weight of my addiction. I've not accomplished even close to a level of success and focus in any one area of my life to be properly proud of. I have given in, time and again, been late, missed work, lost jobs, lost people, lost trust and respect... from people that I trust and respect.
I'm on the comedown right now... just cracked a beer... okay... this is gonna get nsfw... space break
I get so unbelievably horny when I'm high, and meanwhile this vasoconstrictor bitch is taking away my ability to perform. The only time I would engage with escorts is when I'm high, I also fucking can't fuck them 💀 I get high and show off pictures from five years ago... mostly I get zero response and sometimes its kinda fun. The fact that its almost entirely men I speak with seems counterproductive... since in practice I'm pretty straight. If I have to pay for the company of women... that crushes me. This fantasy la la land I slide into is deeply problematic.
I need to stop.
I need to live.
I'm so fucking tired of wasting what little precious time I might be granted. I wanted kids... like. . Fuck...
I hate how intertwined drug use, sex, and desire have become. Shit you not, I lived with one of my great loves for a couple of years. 5'2" 100lbs and triple d's... ridiculous. We gradually stopped having sex... like wtf... am I defective in some fundamental way? She was so enthusiastic, experimental and exquisite... bad bad bad bad bad fuck your girlfriend!!! Why no sex, question? Oh thats right... you're looking at other women on your phone.. and sending dick pics to guys...
Jesus what am I doing...
Well
Thanks... if you've read all this, you are a saint.
Wish me luck