Appreciated if someone would read - nostalgia
I am almost a year into ifs therapy. In short: Parents divorced at 3, dad moved out and I lived with mom, seeing dad on weekends. Always been protecting. I dissociate, compare to others. Had so many “phases.”
Now I’m 26 and last few years but especially now I’m a nostalgia junkie. Movies and tv shows, Beatles and other old music, certain colognes, videos games ps2 and wii. And found vhs videos of me as a baby playing. When I watch them I sob like crazy and hyperventilate and feel pressure in my chest. I’m mourning. I love that little boy SOOOOOO much. most of the nostalgias I binge on are what i associate with my dad but not exclusively. I have a good relationship with him but it’s very surface level. As I got older I realized his failings as a parent and lack of deep emotional connection outside of special fun memories we’ve had together. I never opened up with him.
Any way, I met with my therapist last night. I told him how I really wanna understand why I’m (or why a part of me) is obsessed with childhood nostalgias. He said he doesn’t think that I’m actually curious about it, but rather another part of me has an anxious agenda to fix the nostalgia part and figure it out so I can stop this “weird” behavior it thinks is weird and so I’ll become happy, like, I need to just get to the bottom of this. He said instead to notice that part, and then ask the nostalgia craving part after session on my own, with love, patience and curiosity what it needs? And I did. and the part replied and told me a lot of deep stuff. I was crying and squeezing my body for like 15 minutes. Here’s the conversation:
What does nostalgia do for you? What would happen if you didn’t do it?
I’ll forget
I’ll forget what it felt like to be myself
I’ll lose myself
I’ll lose Josh (me)
I’ll forget what it felt like to be connected with my Dad
I’ll forget my innocence
I’ll forget my source of self compassion
I’ll lose my source of innocence and playfulness
I’ll lose part of my connection with mom
Nobody will remember me
Nobody will know the real me
I’ll be alone
I’ll lose Grammy
I’ll lose my family
I’ll loose kid Josh. Middle school Josh. High school Josh. College Josh . I want them all here with me.
I won’t remember them
I’ll forget those memories, those places
What do you need?
I … I …
I don’t knowwwww … 😭
It’s okay. There’s no wrong answer.
I need connection.
I need my dad to hold me
I need the volume turned down. Quiet.
I need my daddy 😭😭😭😭😭😭
OMG
AHHHHH!!!!!
Woahh …
I need to be told I’m a good boy
And my Dad to say again how much he loves but not by sending me YouTube videos and offering to pay for things. I need him to hold me. If he’s gonna send me old photos of us, I need it for him to not be about “hey remember this! That was fun! So special” but instead about “I still love you this much, just as I did then.” and “my love never ceases to grow deeper for you all these years and every day” and “I cant be happy if you’re not happy” and I need him to know, to FULLY feel and understand in his heart how much pain I’ve always held from all the pain and emotions and anxieties and difficult memories surrounding all this, and with that, to understand how much those pictures and fun memories with him REALLY mean to me now. I need him to know everything I’ve always kept from him. My resentment for him. My jealousy of him and his comfortable lifestyle now. All the tears I’ve cried. Crying myself to sleep and feeling like that fuzzy static ball. How he makes me uncomfortable when he kisses me. How I wish he’d get a haircut. And brush his fucking teeth. How he wasn’t there for me emotionally, and I also never opened up because I wasn’t comfortable. So partly it’s not his fault because he didn’t know. And I didn’t either. But clearly I needed him at the time. I didn’t know how to express what I was holding inside and he wasn’t even able to perceive on his own, to understand, to provide the need, because the drugs make him not fully aware of things. A person who doesn’t really “get it.” I grew up seeing mom do everything important. All the real parenting. And I need also to know how special he is to me and how much I deeply love him and care about him. And it can’t be in a text or on the phone.
Maybe that stuff about dad was another part that got trigger by the convo with the nostalgic part because they’re al connected I’m sure.
I want to go back to that time. It was better than today. I want the today to feel like back then.
I need to play. I don’t play enough in my life. True play, where I let go of thinking about deep stuff. Things feels so serious.
It said ALL that. Maybe it was multiple parts talking. But now idk what to do. “Be” with the part? Ugh I just wanna understand.