Dead bedroom
A little background…I’ve been married for twenty years. I found out a year ago my husband had been using porn since he was a teen. I had zero clue, as our sex life had been great, and he left no evidence.
About two years ago I felt like something was off, and he started to want less sex and I felt we were becoming disconnected. I brought it up three times that something was wrong, and every time he blamed our age. Then I discovered the porn use because I found a second phone.
I confronted him and he admitted it, and said he was exposed as a teen with his older brother’s magazine. He was ashamed, and was glad it was brought to the light. He said he was so mad at himself for letting himself fall into the porn trap basically. He said he stopped at one point for a couple of years. He said he has zero desire to go back to it. I believe that’s true, because he feels disgusted with himself.
I had known about his use for about six months before I confronted him, so I had time to research a lot about it. I know the best chance at recovery is getting into therapy and group work and all that. He does not want to go to therapy. He thinks because he stopped for a couple of years before, he can do it permanently now. He says he doesn’t want me to worry, and that knowing it causes me pain is enough to stop. I know that’s not realistic.
So it’s been seven months since d day. I am seeing a csat and he has listened to one pbse podcast. I have listened to hours and hours of podcasts and read about six books on porn addiction and betrayal trauma. From day one he was fine with truple accountability app being put on every device we have. I do not believe he had viewed porn since. I did have concerns about self pleasuring and whether he was doing that or not. My csat advised me to bring it up to him and I did and he said he is not doing that, because he literally has lost all desire and feels like he broke something down there. After reading up on it more, I believe this is a flat line. We have not had sex since one month before d day. Zero. In the past two months, he is starting to initiate, but he is now suffering from PE, so it literally isn’t going to happen. I know this is common after porn use, as well as pied, but this long after?! I feel so undesired and lonely in my marriage. I have been very understanding of his pe because he is making an effort towards be intimate, and I don’t want to make it worse by getting upset and giving him anxiety about it and possibly making it worse. But, I am upset. The last time he attempted was last week and I told him it was normal after that many years of using, but he should probably read up on it and see how to fix it. I’m upset because he spends so much time researching politics and world events, but there is zero attempt at all about reading up on PE so we can be intimate again. I did flat out ask him if he wants to get back to being intimate and he said of course.
I guess I don’t even know what I’m asking. Is this normal? I know a lot of you will think he is back to using, but I am pretty certain he isn’t. How can I restore intimacy in my marriage if he is unwilling to try to figure out what’s going on. I mean I know he should be in therapy, but this is where we are at. I feel like I am willing to forgive this massive secret he hid, but I also feel like he should be putting in effort to repair the marriage. I have also done a ton of research on what the lack of intimacy does to a marriage, and I fear we are heading in a bad direction. Besides the zero sex, we are actually in a good place given the circumstances. But, resentment is definitely building. I want to scream at him to do something to fix this before it’s too late. I do not want to be roommates with my husband. I want to feel loved and desired. Every time I bring it up, I feel okay for a few weeks and have hope that something will change, then nothing does. I will have the realization that I have not even gotten more than a peck on the lips from my husband for eight months. Depressing.