u/El-Vertabreako

"Ozark Shark" (aka "Summer Shark Attack") (2015) - This Syfy original is the second of four low budget shark movies Misty Talley directed for the channel over three short years. The others she churned out being "Shark Island" (aka "Zombie Shark") (2015) [stay tuned for a review of that], "Mississippi River Sharks" (2017), and the very enjoyable "Santa Jaws" (2018). Having now seen two of these I can say that I am looking forward to seeing the rest. "Santa Jaws" is especially fun to throw on around the holidays, and like this movie, has plenty of so-bad-it's-good moments to make the whole thing worth it.

Now as far as this movies plot goes we follow a family vacationing in the Ozarks that end up having to deal with some very adventurous, and very hungry bull sharks. As there are no official, verified records of a bull shark ever being in any river or lake in the entire state of Arkansas, there presence is a tad surprising to say the least. Location aside, the real issue is most of the rivers in this movie are waist deep at best. This means that often full grown sharks will be leaping out of near ankle deep water to bite people. It's admittedly hilarious every time it happens but obviously it stretches the believability a bit, to say the least.

The titular sharks might be the best part of this movie but the characters (though nothing amazing) have their moments. Often these moments are when they are being attacked by or attacking the sharks with various absurd weapons but still. The plot also occasionally requires the characters to say and do some really dumb stuff so that's also fun too. So if you want to watch a movie where someone harpoons a shark into a woodchipper and another person blows a shark up with fireworks then you need to check this movie out. Gather your bad movie buddies and some brews and enjoy.

2.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1I6rArRQAc

“Wizard So So: Fun Magical Adventure” (2008) - This fever dream of supposed 'kids movie' is so batshit insane, and poorly made, that it requires a child's mind or powerful narcotics to get through it. Children are likely just happy about all the bright colors and frequent singing, whereas anyone able to (at least attempt to) comprehend what they are seeing knowns how truly horrible everything is. Even the relatively short runtime provides little reprieve as 58 minutes ends up feeling a lot longer thanks to a combination of borderline disturbing visuals and mind numbing repetition (specifically the band of giant rats). The questionable storytelling and tacked-on messages only add even more layers to the madness that is this, whatever it is.

I am hesitant to even call this a movie, as it's more just two different short films with the titular magic user as the common thread between them. The first story, which is by far the longest, involves a cat named Kitty trying desperately to get rid of three R.O.U.S.s (Rodents of Unusual Size) from Farmer Fred's barn and somehow failing despite getting the hep a wizard and you know being the animals nature predator. The giant rodents have a band for some reason, and things just kinda spiral from there. The second story is even weirder as it involves a dragonfly who gets turned into an actually dragon thanks to some magical pills and becomes an asshole. Both story are beyond so-bad-it's-good and into the so-weird-it's-funny zone so if you are going to watch them bring plenty of friends and strong intoxicants as you will need both.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxsxTUdBVPY&t=6s

“Headsome” (2013) - I found this movie thanks to the channel Bad Movie Reaction! so thank him for this. In this movie a scientist keeps the severed head of his identical twin alive via tubes and a special fluids, eventually killing for a replacement body. If that sounds vaguely familiar that's because it's incredibly similar to the plot of 1962s "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", a bad movie cult classic that appeared on Mystery Science Theater 3000. In that movie a doctor experimenting with transplant techniques keeps his girlfriend's head alive, then goes hunting for a new body for her. Both films even have the beheading occur due to a car accidents, so clearly some inspiration was going on. They make an interesting double feature, that's for sure.

Now the two movies aren't identical mind you, each has it's (shall we say) 'unique' elements. The car accident in this movie, for example, is a lot funnier than the older film as it's really just a slight loss of control that somehow ends in a guys neck getting cut (you have to see it). The whole twin brothers thing also differentiate the films, but clearly was only added to this plot so the one brother could have a scene where he sleep with his sister-in-law (his excuse is he needs to maintain the illusion that his brother is still fine till he can find him a new body). The severed head in this also eventually gets a motorized cart with robot arms he can control (via a microchip in his neck) so he's a lot more mobile than his inspiration as well. And yes the cart only makes things funnier.

The real selling point of this, and "The Brain That Wouldn't Die", is of course the severed head effect. To that end let's just say having a lady stick her head thru a hole in a table with some mirrors is a lot more consistent of an effect than using CGI, composite shots, and a mannequins head. Once the head in this movie becomes mobile thanks to the cart things instantly become even more hilariously bad. Hell some of the time they don't even bother and it's just clearly a mannequins head on cart with robot arms flailing around and it's just as hilarious as that sounds. So if any of that sounds like your type of bad movie, gather your bad movies buddies, plenty of intoxicants, and check this out.

3.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/h1mLi8zDZes?is=dInyypa0YNWMduKx

“Sheborg Massacre” (aka “SheBorg”) (2016) - This Australian, micro-budgeted, punk rock, sci-fi, horror film is far better than it has any right to be. Despite a tiny budget of only $20,000 the film is able to pull off some rather impressive visuals all things considered. The acting, stunts, and especially cinematography (Rom Anthonis and Brendan O'Shea) also deserve to be praised as going above and beyond what one would expect. The films writer, director, editor, and executive producer; Daniel Armstrong, does excellent work and I look forward to seeing more of his movies.

As far as the actual story goes it’s the usual tale of an alien cyborg virus crash landing in Australia. The techno-infected extraterrestrial (looking rather Star Trek Borg-esque) just so happens to land near a local puppy farm that just so happens to be being broken into by animal rights activists the very same night. Soon people start turning into cyborg zombies that feed on puppy flesh and everything goes sideways. Our unlikely heroes must figure out how to put an end to the robotic zombie apocalypse or humanity is doomed.

As mentioned previously the movie is just solid, especially given the budgetary constraints. You can tell everyone involved was trying their best, and having fun doing it (which is always nice). My bad movie group throughly enjoyed the films surprising energy, solid soundtrack, and darkly comedic script, and I bet you will too. So with all that said gather your bad movie buddies, and your cheesy sci-fi horror pals, and check this movie out. You won’t be disappointed.

2 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/BLtbbSF0K2Y?is=BZXzeNW62THaP7WO

"R.O.T.O.R." (aka “Blue Steel”) (1987) - This so-bad-it's-good cult classic is one of the many films made infamous by the folks over at Rifftrax. Since they riffed it back in October of 2014 the film has grown into one of the more memorable ones covered by the former Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew. A member of my bad movie group enjoyed the film so much in fact that he provided a PowerPoint presentation on it before we rewatched it to begin our weekly bad movie marathon. The presentation provided some interesting insights into the film but ultimately was more a reflection of the unintentionally hilarious aspects that make it so much fun (and his love of the film) than anything. The addition of an ‘in memoriam’ after the credits displaying the characters who died during the story, accompanied by tender music, was the icing-on-the-cake to the whole experience.

For those who have somehow yet to see this movie it is perhaps best described as a low budget ripoff of “The Terminator” (1984) with elements of “RoboCop” (1987). A prototype crime-fighting android goes on a rampage after being accidentally activated early, punishing even minor traffic violations with death. The only thing that can stop the mechanical killer cop is his creators; rancher and the head of the police robotics lab Captain Barrett C. Coldyron (Richard Gesswein) and female bodybuilder Dr. Corrine R. Steele (Jayne Smith) who designed R.O.T.O.R.'s robotic chassis. These two provide the film with most of its most hilarious moments thanks to their (shall I say) unique acting choices and the odd dialogue. The other characters are almost as memorable mind you, but at least not in my eyes.

So if you are one of the few bad movie fans who has yet to see this I highly suggest you do so at your earliest convenience. It's got everything you could want in a so-bad-it’s-good flick from a plot full of holes to next level funny quotes. Whether you watch it covered by RiffTrax or decide to make fun of it with your friends it’s well worth it. And if you’ve already seen it, maybe it’s time to give it a rewatch.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YyF4aHI7Svss

"Last House on Hell Street" (2002) - I'm going to be honest with you folks. I had basically no idea what was going on at pretty much any point during this movie. The combination of a no budget amateur production with seemingly untrained actors and a script that works (at least somewhat) on dream logic had me guessing what was happening moment to moment. A more astute member of my bad movie group claimed to understand the film, so it might just be me but brace yourself if you decide to check it out.

Not being able to follow the plot means I had to look it up on IMDB. This is what they say it's about; "Within this small house, hidden in the deep, dark woods, is an evil force. It can infect one's soul and drive men to madness. Kyle falls victim to this entity from the house. Now possessed, he turns on his lover, Jessica. He abducts her and drags her into this house. He tortures her mind and brutalizes her flesh. The ghost of Kyle's mother, a spirit fueled by love and mercy, is needed to help Jessica escape." That kinda explains it but trust me it's far worse than you think, so consider this a warning.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0311422/?ref_=nv_sr_srsg_0_tt_8_nm_0_in_0_q_Last%20House%20on%20Hell%20Street%202002

"Black Mamba" (2016) - With most vanity projects the ego behind it writes their character to be the hero, but not always. In this movie the writer, director, and executive producer plays one of the films antagonist. He is still a champion demon in the fighting pits of hell named Cassius Rexx, but he's not the main character so that's something. The main character is actual played by Evette France, an actress who doesn't even list the film among her IMDb credits. So that's not a good sign.

As far as the plot goes the movie starts with Mrs. France being told by her dying grandma that a spiritual reckoning is coming. Soon thereafter she and her family are killed by corrupt cops and she is then resurrected as an assassin from the afterlife to seek revenge. The rest of the movie is basically her attacking demons disguised as people with her ability to never get shot, infinite ammo guns, and cheap katanas. Dawna Lee Heising (and her plastic everything) shows up to play Esmeralda Van Loft the wife of the devil, the acting across the board is dinner theater level, the script is painful, the editing a mess, and the effects are hilariously bad. As with most vanity projects, this needs to be seen by more people so check it out (but bring a lot of friends and intoxicants to get through it).

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9x0pSrrrRU&t=3055s

"Arachnado" (2020) - Listen, that title pretty much tells you everything you need to know about this movie; i.e. spiders in a tornado. The movie is obviously attempting to ride the coattails of a made-for-television Asylum movie that debuted on the Syfy channel, so keep your expectation low. Produced by the even more discount production company Wild Eye Releasing, this movie is cheap, poorly made, quickly produced, throw together, and seemingly devoid of both talent and second takes. Directed and edited by prolific schlock director Dustin Ferguson you can tell he had no money, no real script, almost no trained actors, and cared a lot more about getting footage than what footage he got.

The chaotic story, so much as there is one, follows a freak cyclone full of experimental poisonous spiders that threatens the greater Los Angeles area. This particular natural disaster is somehow completely silent, oddly persistent, can sneak up on people, contains a seemingly endless supply of gigantic spiders, and is entirely made of some the cheapest CGI available. It turns out that the military is involved, Mel Novak, Brinkie Stevens, Shawn C. Phillips, and Mike Ferguson make cameos and no one really cared. There are definitely some hilariously bad moments, but mostly it's just a lot of crappy actors saying shitty dialogue, shot poorly, and edited worse. This is best left for those looking for some really bad flicks, and not so much your average so-bad-it's-good fan.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1CmAJQvkRc

"The Birthday" (2004) - Erratic former child star, musical dynamo, and one half of 80s teen idol duo 'The Two Coreys', Corey Feldman stars in (and executive produces) this odd little dark comedy / horror mystery film. Filmed entirely in Spain but set in a fancy hotel in Baltimore Maryland on November 24th, 1987, the film begins with some oddly specific information. Along with the location and date we are informed that it is exactly 8:17pm and that the next 117 minutes will be the most amazing of Norman Forrest's life. As you might have guessed Norman Forrest is played by founding member of 'the Goonies', Mr. Feldman. What you definitely won't have guessed however is the accent he uses.

The film follows Norman Forrest, and his accent, as he awkwardly deals with meeting his girlfriends rich father for the very first time while also seemingly recovering from alcohol addiction. The situation being only slightly worsened by the fact that it is also the mans birthday party, and that his wife recently died after a long battle with breast cancer. Oh and Norman most certainly wasn't invited as his girlfriend told everyone she was bringing an old friend they already knew. The fact that Norman is shy, meek, neurotic, not rich, and speak with an accent that sound like what I can only assume is Feldman trying to do a James Cagney impression from memory but with a slight lisp doesn't exactly help things. The accent really is, beyond pretty much everything else about this movie, the thing that you will most likely remember about it.

As the story continues things begin to spiral as the evening goes from bad to worse for Norman and his relationship. Eventually the booze starts flowing, some people go missing, suddenly there is a cult, what the fuck is that monster, and through it all Feldman and his accent is there getting more and more unhinged. This really is Coreys movie, I'll give him that. Like I said before, despite a cast containing low budget 70s European exploitation favorite Jack Taylor ("Pieces" 1982, "The Ghost Galleon" 1974), a lot of attention grabbing background characters, some decent cinematography, typical bad writing, and decent effects the thing you will likely remember about this movie is Coreys accent. I highly suggest checking this bizarre flick out with your bad movie buddies and some intoxicants of choice, if only for to experience Corey's performance (specifically again his accent).

1.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZQibvkP63M&t=59s

"American Terror Tales 3" (2024) - Put quite simply this is just a collection of seven, unrelated, no budget, short form, horror films. There is no wrap-around story to provide a framework for the individual stories so they just play one right after the other. As with all anthologies some stories are better than others (the stop motion sloth is a personal favorite), but most are just cheap, amateur, and poorly written (if written at all). This (dare I say) 'collection' is best left for hardcore bad movie buckaroos and horror anthology completionist out there, and not really anyone else. It's a rough watch even with a group of friends helping you riff your way through its 58 minute run time.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with butter

https://youtu.be/6KSOY1sLRGM?si=JBv_WzySdc3vl-sm

"Ninja, Phantom Heroes USA" (aka "Ninja Phantom Heroes") (aka "The Ninja Empire") (aka "Ninja Empire. Thunder Fox") (aka "Ninja Thunderbolt II: Thunder Fox") (aka "Ninja Made in USA... Delta Squad") (1987) - Despite what at least one of those various titles suggest, this movie doesn't really have anything to do with the America. It does however very much have a lot to do with ninjas. This is actually one of the countless ninja chop jobs made by the legendary Godfrey Ho (under one of his favorite pseudonyms Bruce Lambert). It is also one of the one he made that was produced by his frequent collaborator Tomas Tang, under his Filmark International Ltd. company (allegedly a front for the triad).

As far as the story goes, this movie is the usual chaotic mess of ninja edited into a fairly unrelated story. The dubbing is terrible, the plot doesn't really work, the pacing is all over the place, and the acting is of course next level bad. This is the kind of movie where your enjoyment will likely come down to how much you and whoever is watching it with you can make it through the slow parts. When it get's going it's hilariously insane, but it definitely has it's slows parts as well. Fans of Godfrey Ho movies will of course find enough to enjoy, but for all others make sure to bring friends and strong intoxicants to get through it.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pD_UqU4FaI

"USA Ninja" (aka "Ninja U.S.A.") (aka "Killers Contrat") (aka "The Ninja City") (1985) - Directed by Godfrey Ho frequent collaborator Kuo-Ren Wu, this is yet another 'cut-and-paste' ninja flick. In these Mr. Wu would direct original martial arts action scenes in Taiwan or Hong Kong and then turn over the footage to Mr. Ho. He would then take the footage, write a completely disconnected English-dubbed script, and insert newly filmed scenes with Western actors wearing brightly colored ninja costumes (and often labeled headbands) into it. The resulting frankenstein-esque film often being a chaotic mess of hilariously insanity and this is yet another example of such a thing.

The fact that the base movie features the legitimate martial arts talents of Alexander Rei Lo and Eugene Thomas greatly benefits the film. The movie is easily at it's best when they are on screen. This is particularly true for Mr. Thomas as whoever they got to voice him made a BOLD decision regarding his accent that you really need to hear (and won't likely forget). In truth most of the dubbing is comedy gold, combined with the script and visuals the whole thing is a must watch. The soundtrack is also interesting, as it seems not to have just been stolen from other movies (as is usually the case).

As far as the story itself goes we follow two different cops who are investigating a drug ring that may be led by an jacked American man. The issue is the American saved them when they were kids, so they are conflicted about arresting him. Things change a bit when the American kidnaps one of their wives, so they of course must fight through an army of ninjas to save her. We get a Gucci ninja, forest ninjas, anti-gravity ninjas, a ninja star boomerang, ninjas exploding into colored dust when teleporting, water fall ninjas, and a lot of reverse shot ninja action. If you enjoy these type of ninja flicks, or just absurd action you likely will enjoy this one.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbsIuwWd0O8&t=2s

"Independents' Day" (2016) - Yes, the title really is spelled like that. I'm assuming our friends over at The Asylum were trying to avoid a copyright from Roland Emmerich. This was made to cash in on his film; "Independence Day: Resurgence" released the same year after all. The plot of course has little to nothing to do with what inspired it, which may or may not be a good thing depending on your opinion of Emmerichs film. The budget, acting, directing, effects, and everything else of course are obviously far, far worse.

As far as the story goes it's basically a slight retelling of the "To Serve Man" episode from classic 'The Twilight Zone'. For the uninitiated, basically aliens invade Earth and give us an ultimatum involving evacuating all the humans off the planet on their spaceships. They first destroyed all the worlds political capitals and neutralized all nukes, as such we follow the Vice President (turned President) as she deals with the aliens and sovereign citizen revolt. Perhaps the most interesting thing about this movie is that political podcaster Brian Tyler Cohen features as a minor character. Not Asylums best, but far from their worst, if any of what you have just read sounds interesting check this flick out.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLpOMSG0a7g

"Ravage" (1997) - This micro budget, ultra-violent, S.O.V., crime thriller is one of only three films ever made by Springfield, Missouri based independent filmmaker Ronnie Sortor. He directs, writes, produces, edits, is the production manager, sound effects editor, lighting technician, location scout, and handles (at least some of) the films special effects. I'd call it a vanity project but given Mr. Sortor does not appear in front of the camera his high credit count likely comes down to simply cost saving more than ego. What little money he did have was clearly used on blanks, squibs, and a lot of fake blood as this movie is full of gun fights and bleeding.

Beyond all the bullets and blood, the rest of the movie is about what you would expect. The acting is at about the level of dinner theater, the direction is simplistic, the writing is fairly basic, and as such the story only kinda makes sense. Speaking of the story, it involves a criminal psychologist who is stalked by the deranged serial killer that killed his daughter in front of him (after his wife already died) and eventually goes on to seek bloody revenge. If you enjoy low budget practical gore, Tarantino inspired violence and (attempts at) storytelling, and just some S.O.V. madness, then you need to check this movie out. Assemble your bad movie buddies who might like this type of flick, along with your favorite intoxicants, and give it a try.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EjZCV7fElw

"The Misty Green Sky" (2016) - This is going to be a fairly short review as I am not sure how I could possible summarize this movie as it simply needs to be experienced. Made for an estimated $50,000, and entirely using uncanny valley level CGI, the visual alone make this worth at least checking out. It's not the worst animated thing I have ever seen, but that's only due to the sheer quantity of horrible movies I have seen in my life than anything else. For most people this movie could easily be the worst animated film they have ever seen.

As far as the story goes, I had to look it up if that tells you anything. From what IMDB says; 'a young girl in another solar system asks an innocent question that sets off a chain reaction of adventure, destruction and tragedy'. That really does not in anyway describe what I saw when I watched this movie with my bad movie group, but like I said it really is difficult (if not impossible) to describe. All I do know is that there are dead-eyed digital characters, zero-g bouncing breasts, questionable walk cycles, fairly constant t-posing, mouth movements completely disconnected from dialogue, and a near constant stream of visual insanity. If all that peaked your interest gather your most dedicated bad movie buddies, and your strongest intoxicants, and check this movie out.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with CGI Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8GbMo_5DYc

“The Match-Stick Flame 3: Red Mafia” (2026) - Husband and wife vanity project power couple Craig Robert Bruss and Vineeta Prasad did it again! The dynamic duo managed to cap off their unlikely trilogy with yet another so-bad-it's-good banger. Craig again directs, writes, executive produces, receives a credit for 'stunt fighter / choreography / coordinator' and of course is the titular character of Dalton Match-Stick (yes that is his character actual name). Vineeta also returns as assistant director, executive producer, stunt actress / choreographer, and her character DEA Agent Prasad (reminder that is her actual last name). Despite having made the previous films neither of them have gotten any better at literally anything.

As far as the story goes Dalton is now a bounty hunter and he is working for Agent Prasad to take down the remaining Lunada Bay Gang members from the last movie (and yes that was the gangs actual name). They make sure to remind us that Dalton is a ex-Navy Seal with PTSD and moderately impressive nunchaku skill. Eventual Agent Prasad gets kidnapped by the Russian mob (aka the titular 'Red Mafia') and Dalton teams up with characters from the previous films to save her. Along the way Dalton attacks a bunch of guys in prison, including fighting a man in a wheelchair in a fight scene that simply has to be seen. In the end we even get a happy, if kinda cringe, ending.

So if you're already aware of the previous films you obviously need to watch this as soon as possible. If you've yet to see any of the Match-Stick Flame movies, and are intrigued by what you've read so far, check them out (they are currently all free on YouTube). For everyone else I don't know what to tell you as these movies are hilariously bad in all the right ways. They definitely border of the 'intentionally bad', but at least seem to simply be genuinely, hilariously, incompetent.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with free Refills

https://youtu.be/VVzJ7cIFbhQ?is=m2hOf2TNwpH6cmi2

"Showgirls 2: Penny's from Heaven" (2011) - Yeah that's right, someone made a sequel to Paul Verhoeven's much bemoaned 1995 controversial cult classic "Showgirls". That someone specifically was actress Rena Riffel, who had actually played the minor character of 'Penny' in the first movie. Somehow (and for some reason) she got the rights to the name and made herself a sequel, centered around her character of course. She wrote, directed, produced, edited, sang at one point, and starred in this movie all without seemingly much if any actual training in how to do any of it.

I can not properly express to you just how insane this 2 hour and 25 minute long movie truly is. The story follow Penny Slots (yes I am serious) as she basically redoes the events of the first movie, except with way less money, talent, and narrative cohesive but with much more murder, snuff films, and cults. The script, acting, direction, camera work, editing, musical choices, and just about everything else is so bizarrely bad that comparisons to Tommy Wiseau legendary "The Room" come to mind. The movie is also obviously much cheaper but also sleazier than the first was, which is kinda saying something if you know that notorious film. Truly only to be viewed in large groups with plenty of friends and strong intoxicants to help you get through it, this movie is never the less a must watch.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBgFJy77atk&t=2s

"Black Devil Doll From Hell" (1984) - This no budget, DIY, SOV, underground cult classic tells the tale of a virginal church women whose entire life changes after buying a doll at an antique shop. The shopkeeper mentions that the doll keeps magically returning to the shop after being bought, but the lady ignores the warning and takes it home anyway. Turns out the few foot tall titular doll is possessed by a ravenous demon and it ends up raping her! Now 'rape' might not be the correct term as she ends up loving the experience and completely changes into a sex maniac (astonishingly), but still it needs mentioning.

This feels more like a pilot for a public broadcasting networks late night erotic "Tales from the Crypt" show that didn't get picked up. Writer, director, producer, editor, composer (special sound effects and incidental music) Chester Novell Turner obviously wanted to push some boundaries, but how exactly successfully he was is up for debate. Literally every single aspect of the movie is both amateur and awkwardly resulting in a seemingly endless steam of hilariously uncomfortable moments throughout it's 70 minute run time. A run time that due to the solid 6 minutes of opening credits is actually closer to 64 minutes, and that's ignoring all the padding in the movie.

To summarize (and to put it as plainly as I possibly can), this is a movie in which a women fucks a doll and loves it. That fact alone means it's not a movie for everyone. There is more than enough 'so-bad-it's-good' things to be found in this movie for sure, but again best know what exactly you're getting into. The acting is untrained, the script is in desperate need of a second draft, the sex scenes are uncomfortable, the sound track is just presets from a Casio keyboard, and the whole thing is a utter mess. It's also just insane enough to be worth check it out, if you can deal with it.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter and Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9_JwYFCY3os

"Dragon: The Weapon of God" (2022) - The topic of racism is an incredibly serious one, sadly as relevant today as ever. Racism invokes strong emotions and requiring a subtle and skillful degree of care and delicacy when used in storytelling. Writer, director, producer, and star Alexander Bok didn't know or care about any of that, so he just beat the audience over the head with it instead. The premise of this movie is that the mayor of New York City and the police force begins implementing more and more racist laws resulting in the deaths of many African Americans within the city itself. Bok plays a superhero (don't ask) who joins an underground rebel group formed to bring down the establishment, and find some friends. This is the kind of movie best left for hardcore bad movie buckaroos, and even then only in large groups with plenty of strong intoxicants, so be warned.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNjvkaqiRPU

"God City Da Movie" (2020) - This is not so much a movie as it is a series of low budget rap videos shot on a cell phone and connected by a loose plot. It is best to know that fact upfront as it is this movies most defining characteristic. As such your enjoyment of the experience is going to boil down to how much you can stand that fact. You can either bob your head along with them, laugh at the absurdity of it all, or go insane trying to get through what you're slowly realizing is technically a musical.

The very concept of a movie where people break out in song about every 10 minutes or so is an odd one for sure. Somehow the addition of rap just makes it so much more odd. The fact that the rapping is diegetic and the other characters are aware that people are singing is even more insane. Several times character mention how odd it is that one character will just start rapping out loud and everyone will just kind stand around and wait for them to stop, so it is even weird to them in universe. The oddest part of all perhaps, is that I am not even totally sure they are playing this idea as a joke. It is truly baffling and I choose not to think about it.

As it pertains to the story, our plot is a classic coke deal gone bad tale. Our leads steal some coke, immediately get caught because they are idiots, then are forced to sell more coke for the dealer they stole from just to pay off the debt, which of course only furthers there problems. This is all in service of making sure that every character is holding plenty of fake money, guns, and cocaine when it's their time to have a rap music video. The fact that one of these videos is functionally just a tutorial on how to make crack cocaine seems almost not worth mentioning. And don't even get me started on the police captains office.

.

This was obviously filmed entirely in peoples apartments, public parks, and friends hair salons when and whenever they could. Combined with the rapping, means this movie is technically a mixtape. As such it is worth a listen, but just know that you are about to experience something purely unique. (Note I didn't say good.) If you are a going to try to make it through this, I highly suggest bringing as many buds as you can (friends, beers, and weed). Perhaps best described as an experience, this lyrical maelstrom of WTFery is something else, so good luck.

Also once you experience this you will finally understand the term; "hot potato with the yammamites", or will you?

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzszV2NFsjM