u/El-Vertabreako

"Evil Sister 2: Bound by Blood" (2001) - Produced by David S. Sterling (creator of the "Camp Blood" franchise) this no budget follow up to "Evil Sister" (1996) takes the general idea and sees what else they can wring out of it. We again have a succubus possessed sister, but the twist this time around is the sisters are psychically connected for some reason. This means they can use the one sister to track the other, but it also means the sex demon occasionally tries to make the other sister bang her dad (or at least he thinks so). Mostly we get the possessed sister luring men to an abandon house in the desert, getting nude, then killing them. Just like with the first "Evil Sister" if you enjoy blood squirting on boobs you might enjoy this, but everyone else should avoid it as it's mostly a cheap, confusing, boring, mess.

5 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0267479/

"Evil Sister" (1996) - If you are familiar with the term 'Skin-A-Max' you basically already know what kind of movie this is. For those unfamiliar just think of something that would air on late night cable in the days before the internet put boobies just a click away. In other words this movie has as much nudity as it does plot and is somewhere just this side of a softcore porn. The one sex scene between the male lead and his wife (who he dreams is his sister-in-law at one point) in front of the fireplace is almost as long as an actual sex scene would be. And that's ignoring the fact that clips of the movie (mostly the nudity) are shown during the opening and closing credits, thus tripling the amount of skin in the film.

The story is about a young lady who is unexpectedly released from a mental institution under suspicious circumstances. She's picked up by her jacked little sister and her husband who let her stay with them for awhile, only for her to immediately start throwing herself at her brother-in-law. We eventually find out one of the nurses at the mental institution was randomly doing a black mass to conjure a spirt for advice (you know as one does) and a demon named Succubus ended up possessing the sister. They must do another black mass to fix everything for some reason, but people keep turning up dead so who knowns. A lot of people get busy, a lot of boobs get bloody, and if that is your thing check this out, if not best avoid it.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0420610/

"Born A Ninja" (1988) - Despite the titles suggesting otherwise, this movie is the sequel to the film "American Commando Ninja" (1988). Both films were released the same year due to them being made of re-edited footage from a low budget Taiwanese TV series that just so happened to feature ninjas. Joseph Lai, the director of this film, would go on to refine this style of cut-and-paste (aka "Frankenstein") filmmaking into it's own little subgenre. He would eventually teach his protégé Godfrey Ho the technique who would go on to arguable prefect it with his horde of neon ninja films. So with that said don't except much in the way of narrative consistency.

As far as the story goes Ninja Master David and Hokus Pokus Master Larry (I am serious) continue their hunt for a WW2 Japanese scientist and his formula for bacterial warfare. Throw in a bunch of ninjas, some very 80's fashion choices, hilariously bad dubbing, and random hokus pokus (i.e. magic) and you get this movie. You also basically get "American Commando Ninja" as both movies are very similar even containing the same re-used footage multiple times throughout the run time. If all of that sounds like something you might be interested in I highly suggest checking both films out when you get a chance. Both movies make for a fun riff with friends and your favorite intoxicants, so enjoy.

4 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jeul6BeOrhc

"Terror Squad" (1987) - If the name Chuck Connors doesn't ring a bell just ask your dad who he is. If that doesn't work try your grandad. One of them will tell you that he was a TV actor in the late 50's and early 60's, most notably in "The Rifleman" and later "Branded" series. He's also apparently one of only 13 athletes in the history of American professional sports to have played in both the National Basketball Association and Major League Baseball, which is something I just found out. Well almost 30 years after his prime someone thought the then 65 year old would make a great lead in a low budget action flick (i.e. this movie).

Action is the key word here as the entire first act of this movie is one long, and admittedly pretty fun, chase scene. This is started when a handful of Libyan terrorists arrive in the city of Kokomo, Indiana (of all places) trying to destroy a nuclear power plant. They fail almost immediately and then flee shooting everyone they come across with the cops in hot pursuit. Many exploded cars and dead people later the two surviving terrorist take a high school detention class hostage and everything slows down to a crawl. More people end up getting shot and eventually they try to escape in a bus of indeterminate size (IYKYK).

The hilarious part of all this is that despite chasing the terrorist, and being the star, Connors does nothing during the movie to actually stop the terrorists. In fact at one point during the chase he runs over an old man that the terrorist had hit, guaranteeing his death. Horror icon Ken Foree plays his deputy but doesn't do much either. The movie is kinda bookended with action and filled to the brim with hilarious continuity errors, visible crew/equipment and movie mistakes. It's got plenty to riff with friends so gather yours, along with your favorite intoxicants, and check it out.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7h7UAlIlNg

“Plum” (2013) - As with all her movies Deuandra T. Brown wrote, directed, edited, produced, and stars in this. She also is credited as the composer, sound editor/mixer, choreographer, production designer, camera operator/gaffer/cinematographer, casting director, and the entire digital/visual effects department which is again true of her other films. She is of course horrible at literally all of these roles which, as you may have guessed, is yet again something common throughout her filmography. This may not be the worst of hers films, nor the most incomprehensible, or even the cheapest, but it most assuredly is incredibly bad on every conceivable level.

With that said it should come to no surprise to you that as far as the plot goes, it’s mostly guess work. An SUV full of Deaundra’s friends go on a road trip to Vegas but on the way they have an encounter with a CGI UFO. The titular ‘Plum’ being a famous pop star they all love played by Brown (of course) who somehow gets involved. There’s an alien guy named Jack, some doctor, a scientist or two, and they all try to save the world. The whole thing is pure pain and should be left for the most hardcore bad movie masochist.

5.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://youtu.be/t68K5kkORkc?si=XYUmuIBQbjOjHztO

“Murderbot” (aka “Killbots”) (2023) - Before directing this movie Jim Wynorski studied under the tutelage of the late great Roger Corman. The King of B-Movies taught Wynorski how to make a film fast and how to make it cheap. Wynorski would use what he learned to one day film; “Scream Queen Hot Tub Party” (1991) in only one day. Given that it was only 45 minutes long and since this movie is a whole minute longer, I’m assuming it took him at least two days to film it.

Anyone familiar with Wynorski career knows he stopped trying a long time ago and this is so-called movie is yet another example of that fact. The script is crap, the acting is poor, the direction is basic, the shooting locations were likely free, the effects are cheap, there’s no nudity, and based on the numerous flubbed lines I bet they only did one take. As far as the story goes a sentient big breasted android (who walks like she’s got a pipe up her butt) goes on a killing spree at a remote ghost town the same time a group of 30 year old idiotic college kids get stranded there. The whole thing feels like nobody cared enough to even try, so best know that before considering checking it out. For my money/time there are simply better options of movies to watch.

4.5 / 5 Burnt Kernels

https://youtu.be/bNqj5mew6xM?si=L1q1d-K7yw7XcYmS

“Big Ass Spider!” (aka “Biggest Spider”) (aka “Mega Spider”) (aka “Alien Spider”) (2013) - With a title like that you kinda know what you’re getting into with this one. There’s a huge alien spider wreaking havoc and killing people. Equally unsurprising is the fact that it premiered on the SyFy channel and was made for only about $600,000. The effects, specifically the CGI, is admittedly descent given the budget, but best to keep expectations reasonable. This premiered on the SyFy channel need I remind you.

As far as the story goes the titular alien arachnid escapes from a military lab and heads towards Los Angeles. It grows larger each time it kills and eats someone, eventually reaching kaiju proportions. Our hero, an exterminator who hits on every woman he meets (played by Greg Grunberg), and his security guard sidekick team up to save the girl and kill the spider. Sprinkle in cameos from Lin Shaye and Ray Wise, surprisingly fun dialogue, along with some solid kills, and you have an enjoyable dumb monster movie. If that’s your thing check it out.

1 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://youtu.be/stmdFP6gK2o?si=L2d8KDrcd-wqOqtk

"Showdown In Manila" (2016) - To many Mark Dacascos is perhaps best known for his tenure as 'The Chairman' on Food Network's "Iron Chef America". To others he is half of the Lee brothers in one of the very first fighting game movies; "Double Dragon" (1994). Fans of high school gang based capoeira movies will of course remember his turn as Louis Stevens, the ex-special forces capoeira enthusiast teacher, in "Only the Strong (1993). What is less well known is his singular film standing mostly behind the camera. Dacascos not only directed this movie but also executive produced, has a story credit, and even features in a small role.

Starring alongside our Saturn Award for Best Supporting Actor nominee (Mani in "Brotherhood of the Wolf" 2001) is a veritable cornucopia of other aging action stars. We get Don 'the Dragon' Wilson, Cynthia Rothrock, Olivier Gruner, Matthias Hues, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, and even Casper Van Dien along with Tia Carrere in various roles throughout the run time. We also get Russian bodybuilder and painfully wooden actor Alexander Nevsky along with a random girl named 'Kiki'. Though not a true 'vanity project' Dacascos did hire his own daughter Venice Dacascoss to provide songs for the soundtrack. Let's just say I don't she had a successful career beyond this film and leave it at that.

As far as the story goes an odd couple of private detectives (Van Dien and Nevsky) in Manila get hired to investigate a murder. The case leads them to the jungle camp of an international terrorist called 'The Wrath' (Tagawa). They assemble a crack team (Wilson, Rothrock, Gruner) to assault the camp and capture 'The Wrath'. As you can imagine all hell breaks loose, guns never need reloading, cover is an after thought, and it's hilariously entertaining. So if you're looking for a so bad it's good action movie to riff with friends give this a try.

3 / 5 Burnt Kernels with Free Refills

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rvlD0DVP0Bs

"Elixir The Queen of Lost Island" (aka "The Queen of Lost Island") (aka "The Devil's Pet") (1994) - I am going to keep this short for multiple reason, not the least of which is my own sanity. Per the opening this is a Donald G. Jackson directed 'Zen film' presented by Scott Shaw which means that there was no script. I have found some contradictory evidence suggesting there was a script but after watching it doubt most people had a copy. There is no real plot it's just a series of somewhat unrelated scenes of Robert Z'Dar taking pictures of a topless Julie Strain, a guy named Pan banging chicks, women running in the woods, a random cave women dancing in place, and other different footage of Julie Strain running around topless with a sword. All of which was filmed in the same scrub brush forested valley Jackson and Shaw have used for previous works. This is truly only for the most hardcore bad movie buckaroos out there (or just massive fans of Julie Strains boobs) and even then there are better options as this is pure pain, and you have been warned.

Side Note: The copy on YouTube (link below) has a sex scene blurred out with the text "EDITED FOR YOUTUBE" despite the rest of the movie being wall to wall boobs.

6 / 5 Burnt Kernels with a lot of Butter

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkXLoKNupcU&t=3s