Am I wrong for this?
My husband and I started out as swingers and ended up with friends who are more formally poly. When we started talking about being poly, I didn't want to do it. I liked our secret night life. Made me feel like superheroes of the night. We had set boundaries for safety (use condoms, don't say "I love you".) When we started hanging with the polys, both boundaries were violated immediately. It freaked me out because I wouldn't have tried the lifestyle at all if I hadn't been trusting the security of the boundaries. I tried to overlook it and let it go. We kept hanging out.They kept trying to invite us to poly events and somehow we wound up a "quad". I remember distinctly saying I didn't identify as poly but my husband was more on board I guess. He's not so much into the hunt of swinging anymore and I love him so I went along.
I keep just "going along". I didn't want to go on a trip but went and was miserable to "go along". Anyway, I wanted to keep things friendly but now Girlfriend and Hubby keeps pushing for no-condom usage again. Now, she's free spirited and dates randomly.
There have been cases of her catching throat/gum infections and giving it to us. And while that's no big deal, I feel it's enough reason to remain condom-positive. She's a wild child.
There was also an intimacy issue: before the lifestyle, hubby and I did everything we could so he could experience skin-on-skin freely.
To me, skin on skin had meaning. It was something special we shared.
He recently told me it means nothing. It would "make his life easier" if I just quit expecting him to put meaning behind something he finds meaningless. But at this point I feel like I've already let so many other of my own feelings go just away to get along. When am I supposed to be taken seriously here?
I thought we had something special. I guess I'm more interested in emotional monogamy than he is. I wanted to stay a swinger with him as my King of the Night.
He never felt any of that. I thought he did.
So Ive been researching boundaries and learned that I can't tell them what to do. I don't have the right to "enforce" condom usage.
I'm wrong for expecting him to feel the same way.
BUT...Many people who offer advice say that my feelings should count, too, right? And maybe the truth of the matter is that our marriage isn't strong anymore.
Maybe it's died...? I don't want it to die! I want things to be the way they were: us two wild creatures in the night, who find solace in one another forever.
That wasn't the reality. I was deluding myself.
We may end up divorcing. And if we do, I can at least feel better knowing the poly people will take care of him.
I fell in love with a fantasy. Did polyamory ruin us?