r/polyamorous

I'm in a long-term relationship that was open for over eight years. A few months ago, we had a very bad experience with a connection and decided to close the relationship. My partner confessed that he had actually felt insecure/jealous from the beginning but couldn't identify it and repressed it, reasoning that it was to allow me to explore.

Several months have passed since then, and we've talked a couple of times about how we've been feeling. I've talked about how frustrating it is to feel the need to deepen my relationship with specific individuals and then stop doing so. I understand it's a complicated process, and I'm doing it out of love for my partner. He understands, however, I no longer feel safe talking about it.

I feel like every time I talk about, I hurt him.

I can't stop feeling guilt and frustration about this. But ending the relationship isn't an option for me.

My bf (m22) and I (m23) are both bisexual, and recent news has me immensely hurt. Early in our relationship, he stopped talking to two of our mutual friends (former for me) because I had a falling out where they were super mean to me. I told him many times I didn't mind if he stayed their friend but he insisted on cutting them off to stick up for me.

I found out for the past 5 months (we've been dating for almost a year) he's been talking to them and hanging out behind my back. These friends are also gay/bi and flirt with him often. It feels disrespectful he let them back in his life without telling me, and his reasoning hurt deep. He said something to the effect of "I am not going to stop talking to people for someone I don't love. I don't regret it at all"

I asked him why he is still with me, and he said "I was hoping to fall for you again but I haven't." On one hand, at least he is honest, on the other, I don't get why he had to do all this stuff behind my back if he knew he didn't love me. And for him to say it so bluntly and cold is breaking my heart. I don't know why he never communicates his feelings until way after :(

I’ve been seeing someone for a short time. I asked them how they feel about monogamy/non-monogamy on the second date. They said they’re quite monogamous, but didn’t seem closed to other ideas. I said that I think I see myself having one primary life partner, but that I’d be interested in an open relationship / having other play partners. In terms of what I ideally want for myself in the future, I’m not set on monogamy or non-monogamy. But right now, I don’t feel ready to commit to a monogamous relationship. I told them I don’t want to rush commitment. Yesterday, I told them about someone I met once (before I met them), who has asked me to meet her again, and who I want to see again, because it came up in conversation, and because even though we haven’t agreed to be exclusive yet, I want to be transparent right from the start. I said I’d give them time to think, but I get the feeling they’re not comfortable with the idea. Any tips or ideas for how I should proceed? I was thinking of talking it through with them, breaking down what they are & aren’t comfortable with and why, what their fears & expectations are. Thoughts?

Im not sure where to start... my girlfriend and I are both queer. We've been together for 3 and a half years. In the very beginning i asked her about monogamy vs poly, and she let me know straight up she was monogamous. Thats been okay with me, i love her and want to build a life with her. This whole time we've been in a happy healthy relationship. There was this friend we shared though, it started out as a joke. One of her friends said she shipped the three of us or whatever. We get along great with this person who ill call P. It was a " joke' for over a year, which was just confusing. It's all felt very natural this whole time. I was fed up with the tension you could cut with a knife anytime the three of us hung out alone. I finally told my girlfriend to text them and ask them if its really just a joke or if there's actually something there. They were very honest. Anyways P has always considered themselves as a lesbian. My partner is a woman and i am a nonbinary man. (Afab) P also is asexual. I knew the dynamic would be different between each person. P told my girlfriend that they couldn't be in a romantic relationship with me, but instead it would be more of a queer platonic relationship situation. Which im fine with as im not physically attracted to P, but it did through me off a little bit, because i would describe my feelings for them as romantic. The way P described what the relationship would look like between us, to me also sounded romantic, and is what i was wanting the dynamic to be like... i guess im just confused because we have different definitions of romantic attraction. I dont know if i should tell P that or if it would freak them out. Im also not sure what the relationship between P and my girlfriend is going to look like and i am nervous. I trust boh of them, we've talked about boundaries, the conversation couldn't have gone better. I am a little nervous though. Im the type of person who needs a lot of reassurance but i have a hard time asking for it. Im worried that i might end up feeling like im competing with P for my girlfriend and i dont want that to happen. Ive never really heard about this specific dynamic anywhere and ive been looking. I guess im looking for advise or something. Maybe some kind words to make me feel less crazy. This is all still very new.

I'm 21M

Fair, tall and good looking

I'm also a Loverboy and I have alot of qualities like you can say I'm perfect but the only problem is that I have a cuck fetish I want to be in a relationship with someone and I'm the type of guy. I get over 100+ matches on dating apps easily and I tried talking but I got humiliated like "wtf is wrong with you and all". Well I'm sexually good tbh I can make a women swuirt nd all t's just I have this cuck fetish which no women is saying yes to. Idk what should I do help me out here

me and my partner had been through a while of a rough patch after 9ish months together and recently decided on having a 3rd person seeming as how we both feel a 3rd partner would make things interesting and improve the relationship. now, i’ve seen my posts on looking for advice on finding a 3rd flagged as unicorn hunting and i would appreciate any information on what that is to avoid being perceived as a terrible kind of person and by extension my partner.

edit; i’ve learnt that apparently 3 person relationships (searching for the 3rd person) are unicorn hunting and that’s apparently a harmful kind of relationship. even though i’ve seen plenty of posts saying that 3 person relationships work? any info on that would be appreciated.

further context for people who think the relationship i have with my partner is fucked still; no, it is not, we have been working on it as the rough patch has already ended. we were working on making the relationship a better one which is where the 3 person relationship comes in. as we think the relationship has gotten good enough the 3rd would be one of the steps in the right direction. i understand if this seems dumb in the long run, but hey. thanks for the info anyway, cool strangers.

further edit; it is NOT to spice up the relationship.

final edit, thank you all for your input/info. 💖

Hey all,
I’m (M 40s) considering moving in with my partner (NB 30s). They spend most nights at my place, have many belongings here. We’re considering moving in together around our 2 year anniversary. I’ve only lived with one partner before in a long mono relationship. My partner hasn’t lived with a romantic partner before.

We’re non monogamous. I have another long distance partner and occasional dates with more casual folks a few times a month. My partner is Demi/ace and is in theory interested in being with other people but rarely acts on it.

Our big concern about living together is how to handle when my out of town partner is visiting or if I want to host a casual partner. We’re assuming we’d get a place where each of us has our own bedroom, but even with that hearing things would be non-ideal.

Any one have suggestions or relevant experience?

I need some advice... just on how to handle things I guess and if things will work out maybe?

I (34f) have a nesting partner (34m) who is amazing never has a problem with me spending time with my other partner (35m) who has a nesting partner (34f).

This is where we run into the problems my partners nesting partner always says she never has a issue or anything and is fine BUT when we have a phone call or date or anything she suddenly will have some backhanded comment to make if she is around for even 10 minutes of it.

I am struggling to wrap my head around it as my nesting partner is so chill I guess. I always say thank you for my partners time to her if it somehow goes 10 mins into hers as its only polite. I just kinda dont get her issue.

The major issue is its starting to cause me real fears of abandonment. Im starting to feel she will never accept him being emotionally connected to someone else and will one day just tell him to leave me. He has assured me no matter what he would tell her it isn't happening and instead communication would need to happen but damn its messing with me.

For context my partner and his nesting partner have been poly for 10 years, me and my nesting partner around a year. Both nesting partners mentioned have relationships outside of this dynamic.

UPDATE: After speaking to my partner and explaining everything and using the "I" phrasing he spoke to his NP. It turns out she sees me as a threat. He apparently in the 10 years of poly has never had a meta he has had such a strong relationship with and it makes her extremly uncomfortable. Im unsure where to go from here and if I could offer her any reassurance as I honestly do not want to "take him away" I want to share his love with her. Should I maybe try and speak to her myself and convey my feelings? Maybe a letter? Or is this all down to him as the hinge to navigate?

i am in my first relationship which is polyamory/non-monogamous.

it’s all going well so far, however there is one thing which i cannot stop getting upset/frustrated over and would appreciate some advice.

my partner has these close friends (the two close friends date and are poly) who she used to be sexually and romantically involved with in the past.

however, i cannot stop getting pissed off every time they are mentioned. i guess i’m finding it difficult to understand a friendship with this dynamic of having used to sleep with each other and also with somewhat of a romantic connection. i think i’m reacting to this as tho my partner is bffs with her like actual ex. but as she never dated this couple, i don’t think i have the right to be upset. she’s starting to pick up on that i get upset when they’re mentioned, and i don’t want her to see it as me being controlling. i just cannot regulate my emotions when it comes to this situation.

similarly, the couple is now moving closer aka will be spending way more time with my partner. this means i either have to not associate with them at all or become fine with their presence. i keep telling myself that once i get to know them then i won’t see them as such a threat, because right now, i feel as though i do. this is just my first polyamorous relationship and i’m finding it so silly that out of everything this is the thing i’m struggling with. is it normal for polyamorous people to have friendships with this dynamic or similar? i’m aware the dating pool is small but damn

i think also it may be a bit of jealousy as my partner has been poly for a while, and is very involved in these circles with other poly people. as this is my first time experiencing it, i do not have the same “resources” and i guess i feel as though im at a disadvantage (not in a competitive way) just more so that im new to this, and know nobody personally who is poly. i have my partner but i don’t want her to take all my questions (shes very fine w me asking questions) but i don’t think its fair if im depending on only her to answer stuff. i just don’t have the same support system yet, hopefully that will change as i get out there more.

i think i’m just overthinking this whole situation, some advice would be needed. would also appreciate brutal honestly if i am just being pathetic with my emotions haha.

EDIT: I am a 33m , partner is a 23f to clarify

Me and my girl have been together a year , I knew her a year prior casually and we became friends

She’s amazing, incredibly supportive and genuine . She has made sacrifices for me ( and I her ) and we are at the phase of moving in together recently . We are getting serious about our future and communicate often .

Even before dating I knew how sexual she was and the fact she was very experienced in all sorts of ways that I am not . She is 23f I am 33m and she has over 100 partners , to my 30-50. She also is queer and has had sexual partners of all genders / sexual orientations / much older partners / trans /bondage and orgy situations etc .

I knew all of this going in and none of it bothers me , I actually think it’s really hot how open she is because she matches my freak more than any partner I’ve had , but I’m realizing to her that our ssx life might be relatively vanilla .

She has a lot of friends in poly relationships as well. We have been fully monogamous thru our relationship and she recently hinted ( pretty directly ) at a MFM threesome .

I should start by saying the early months were confusing for me , as she is naturally very flirtatious and provocative . I used to get blind sided by ways she would interact with people in public / events parties etc . She always understood , always admitted it was something she’s never really had to think about and she has made changes . Long story short , It was getting to the point I was starting to feel controlling
She has not crossed any lines of what I see as a “normal” committed relationship . no cheating , nothing malicious or sneaky at all . Anything inappropriate was always right in front of me , and she was always caught off guard and apologetic when it did bother me .

Recently something clicked . She is who she is , and I was aware of who she was . I was ignorant , and she’s young and I do believe she is in love with me like no other person she’s experienced this far in her life ( same with me ).

I’m worried that the expectation of a monogamous relationship may be what breaks us in the long run . I want her to be satisfied and happy and herself . She even said we will always be a package deal in any poly situation as we talked a bit more about it . I have never even breached the thought of a poly relationship , but with her it doesn’t seem like a “bad” thing to me because of how much I love her .

She had a very long roster of sexual partners before we committed , I’m not insecure about her loyalty . She chose me , after a year of knowing her causally and seeing how often she ended things with people due to their need for commitment .

How do I navigate this in my head and heart? I can’t figure out how I feel , but it’s less about her and more about me . Do I try this out , and if I can’t handle it then maybe letting her go is the right thing to do anyway so she does not have to minimize herself and her sexuality ?

Sorry I know this is terribly written . Spiralling a bit

I [50M] was in a serious monogamous marriage for 13 years. My, now ex-wife went hard-core Christian on me and felt I wasn't spiritual enough and disappeared one day.

These monogamous relationships are not working for me. I've been single a lot. That's not for me. I am a provider and stable. But I meet someone and ask about their thoughts on poly relationships that immediately ends the dating thing.

So how does one, myself, approach the topic of polyamorous relationships?

How does one find someone best suited for that lifestyle without getting the drink in the face? I'm at a loss. Any help is appreciated.

Me and my partner are together for 11 years and poly, and for about 5 wonderful years we formed an amazing throuple. We lived, sleep, eat together with 3 like any other couple would do.
Things went great, there was trust and connection…

Until it changed, the woman who we formed a throuple with her mother was diagnosed with a brain tumor that is non operative and she wanted to go back to her home country, something that we all understood.

We tried long distance for a while ( we are expats ) but everyone quickly agreed that it doesn’t bring no value to everyone his life so we jointly agreed to end the relationship.

Now 1 year later we still feel the gap, being in a throuple relationship just makes us complete. So we tried to find someone again. We fairly quickly learned that that isn’t that easy 😅 things change so fast apparently.

So poly people here, how would you find someone if you where us ?

I'm in a situation that's somewhat new to me, and that I'm partially responsible for creating, and I am hoping to get some advice from others in the community, if that's allowed.

The short version: GF has made plans to hook up with someone I'm REALLY not comfortable with. But it's kinda my fault?

The long version: GF and I started dating a few months ago, relationship is ENM/open at my suggestion. I've done the poly thing before, and it feels right for us, imo. GF has been mono her whole life and was previously in a very controlling/abuse relationship.

I've been encouraging her to have experiences outside of our relationship and explore herself. She loves the flirting and attention but has been hesitant to really pull the trigger and date or sleep with anyone. From what she's told me, she's afraid that I'll judge her for it once it actually happens and doesn't want things to change between us. I've reassured her the best I can and have continued to encourage her.

Fast forward to yesterday, and she matches some guy on Twitter. He's HOT. He's also a huge jerk, based on what what's she's shown me from their conversations. He's got some other red flags too. I'm uncomfortable with him. Most importantly, he strikes me as someone who will not respect her wishes/boundaries and won't be discreet. But also, if I'm being honest, I just don't *like* him, and the thought of them being together is unpleasant for me.

She's made plans to meet him tonight. I'm trying to decide whether to discourage this particular meet up. I'm worried that if I do so on her *very first* ENM experience, she'll go back into her shell and not trust me to me to be okay with future experiences. I also feel like objecting would make me a hypocrite b/c I've always told her that only she controls her own body and who she chooses to share herself with. I also don't want to do/say anything that's going to make her see me the way she saw her controlling ex.

Edit: Thanks for the responses. You have all given me a lot to think about. I realize now that a lot of my turmoil about this situation is based on how I view myself in her life. I've been thinking of myself as her "guide" into the ENM lifestyle, and therefore responsible for making sure sure its a good experience for her. That may or may not be how she views our relationship. Probably time for a talk.

To give an update: one of her friends knows the guy in question guy, and he is, allegedly, a literal rapist. She chose not to meet up with him after all.

I’m new to polyamory and would love some book recommendations on how to do it without hurting people due to miscommunication. Or any other resources you recommend. TIA!

Hi All,

Recently I met my current girlfriend early last year. everything was going well throughout, and I actually saw a potential future. We were planning to get married and settle down.

Only recently of this year, whereby I noticed less attention from her. Less update about her life, less text and everything just felt stale.

We had this conversation about this. Initially, it was established that I was not her ideal type financially and ambitious, and it was agreed that we work harder to have a comfortable life. She proposed to have an open relationship to explore further before settling down.

We had another conversation a month in. This time she mentioned she was actually being chased by another guy awhile back already, went for drinks occasionally but assured there was no intimacy.

The reason she is telling me this now, was because she wants to progress with him more intimately (FWB) and don’t want to go behind my back cheating and feeling guilty.

To be fair, i did told her that I am open to the idea of open relationship, but only if she update me the process.

Now that she told me, I feel that I am losing my ownself and personal values if I attempt to stay together while being in an open relationship.

While I appreciate the honesty, and I think i might have felt better if she tell me she is looking to explore and start exploring together. But she is already seeing someone before, and telling me this now. So idk, kinda feels sucky.

I don’t want to dive into details on the thing, but basically she feels that there are somethings I cannot offer her and she wants to seek it elsewhere.

To be fair, we met on a FWB dating platform. She mentioned that it was very lucky that we managed to progress into a relationship. Foolish me thinking that there could be a chance this might work out together.

Just looking for some honest thoughts. Somehow Reddit users give the best advice

EDIT: To all that replied, I truly value your inputs. It has really helped me see the bigger picture during this tough time. I ended this amicably, wished her the best and stopped contact. I think is for the best for both.

I need advice from people in relationships with non-monogamous partners.

My wife went on her first date with a mutual friend last week. I thought I was going to be ok with it. I wasn't.

They have kissed, but not had sex. They know I'm uncomfortable and are holding off on doing anything else out of respect for me (thanks everyone), but it almost doesn't matter.

The physical stuff was never what was scary to me. The scary part is that my wife's heart is not 100% mine anymore. And I know love is not a zero-sum game. Our connection is strong, I know she loves me more than anyone, and we both want to spend the rest of our lives together. I know, intellectually, that her feelings towards this other person do not threaten my present or my future with her... so why is it so fucking scary?

I keep working on this thought like a loose tooth, "my wife is in love with someone else," it feels terrible, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. They could never kiss again, they could never fuck, and it wouldn't make "my wife is in love with someone else" any less true.

My feelings are not her responsibility. All she can control is her actions, but I have a lot I need to figure out just to survive the present, ya know?

What does one do in these situations? When your worst enemy is your own fear and insecurity?