u/Elcorae

I've been on hormones for a few years now, and early on I fell into that way of thinking that transitioning wouldn't work out for me, so I would just live as a guy and continue taking hormones. This is something I'm working on in therapy.

So I went out a few nights ago and was talking to a couple women, and one of them asked me directly if I had ever been mistaken for a trans woman. I told her no because as far as I've known, the answer has always been no. Later, she also said that she wasn't sure if I was a trans woman or a pretty cis man.

I haven't come out to anyone in my life other than my therapist, including friends or family, but there are a few other trans people I see semi-regularly (that I'm also not out to). I've told them about what happened with this woman and asked them if I had ever registered as being trans to them. Apparently I had and I had no idea. I guess it makes sense that trans people would be able to look at me and guess that I take hormones, but even some cis people seemed surprised to hear me say that I wasn't.

And now, for the past few days I've been stuck in this state of being confused and frustrated with myself because I clearly can't see what other people evidently can see. I can understand seeing me as a more effeminate guy, which is fine, and it doesn't necessarily bother me that I'm being read as a trans woman, but I'm so upset at myself for not being able to see it. I've just been screaming internally, asking why am I being seen as a trans woman, and why is pretty the word people have used to describe me because I. Can't. Fucking. See. It.